Day 39: Frustrations

The fear really hits you. That's what you feel first. And then it's the anger and frustration. Part of the problem is how little we understand about the ultimate betrayal of the body when it rebels against itself. - Charles Bronson

Frustration. Anger. Disappointment. Failure.

Sometimes I lose my lid, and I explode. Unexplainable outbursts. Inexcusable. Irrational. Embarrassing. Rude. Ignorant. Child like. Temper.

I'm not an angry person, I'm not a violent person. Sometimes I just lose my head, and I yell. I raise my voice to decibels unknown to most ears. It's uncalled for, immature, and very irresponsible. It's happened time and time again throughout my life. It's not something I'm proud of. It's my worst trait. It's humiliating. Embarrassing to me, and all of those around me when it happens. It's almost like I have an out of body experience, and I don't even realize what I'm doing, or how ridiculous I'm behaving. Makes me wonder what it looks like, to others, since I can't really see it myself. It's disgusting. It's ugly. 

It's as if a demon lives inside of me, and takes control. I must learn to tame this demon, and over come this evil.

I am no longer a child, there is no excuse for throwing a temper tantrum. Life is not going to always go my way. Sometimes things will upset me. Sometimes people will disappoint me. Sometimes I will upset myself. Sometimes I will disappoint myself, as I often have. Sometimes everyone around me will fail me. I have to learn to be the strong, and control my emotions, and not lose my head.

Apologies don't work anymore. They no longer mean anything. "Sorry I lost it, but hey it WILL happen again in 5 minutes"......that just doesn't work. People do not make me angry, I LET myself get angry. I have to control myself. I cannot control anyone else. No one is out to get me, no one is out to piss me off. It's ME making me angry. It's ME not letting things go. It's ME being an asshole.

Pain is only temporary. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Stop getting angry. Stop losing my head. Focus, focus, focus. There is no reason to ever yell, at anyone or anything. Treat people with some common decency and respect. Always stay calm. Remember what doesn't matter. Remember what matters.

Day 31: Apologies

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive. - Mignon McLaughlin

This is a lesson for life.

Apologies, they must not be taken lightly. This is serious business. When you apologize to someone, it must be sincere. To be sincere, you must mean it. You cannot just say sorry, because someone is mad, or the consequences of your actions. You must truly feel remorseful for whatever you did, or said; and truly intend to not repeat said action.

This is something, I have never been good at. I apologize often, and I do mean it when I apologize, and am sincere; but I often then repeat whatever said action was. That then cancels out the apology in my eyes, and makes it meaningless. At that point, it becomes too late to apologize. You can't repeat an apology. An apology is an all or nothing moment. You either mean it or you don't. If you mean it, you have to show it. Actions speak louder than words.

When you apologize, and then your re-nig on it, you're only making yourself look like a liar. I am not a liar. You make your apologies empty, meaningless words, that no one should accept. Make your apologies worthy of being accepted. Make them real. Make them sincere, from your heart to theirs.

Lesson for life....make apologies real, in your heart, in your actions, in your words.

Day 3: The Epitome

Have you ever woken up and realized you're the epitome of everything you hate in this world? Your own arch nemesis? That's where I am this morning.
I am disgusted with myself. I hate who I am. I am an ugly person.

I don't know when I became this person, was I always this person? Was this my fate and destiny? Can a person really truly change anything about themself? Is personal will strong enough to change? I'd like to believe that I can. I've been trying for the longest time, but it doesn't seem I'm trying hard enough.

Last night I asked her if she thought she's noticed a change in my behaviors and actions. Her response was No that she hasn't noticed a change, but that she can tell that I'm making an effort to try. I have to agree with her. I wish I had a camera recording my behavior, so I could really see how I act sometimes. I wish I could put myself in to her shoes and see what I've done. Is it out of my control? Can a person realy control who they are? I believe they can.

It comes down to personal responsibility. I have to be responsible for my own actions, every single action. Every breath, every second, every minute, hour and day, my actions are mine, and I control them. I have to take control of me. I cannot let emotions or hormones control me. I have to grow up. There are no more excuses or explanations, there never were.

My anger is the biggest problem. I lose control too easily. Anger is a normal emotion, that we all feel, but it is how we respond to it and channel it that makes the difference. I haven't ever learned how to channel it properly. I am an embarassment to be around. If you hang out with me long enough, I'll probably scream at you, and then apologize 2 seconds later when you're mad.Yelling, swearing, arguing, and putting people down is not EVER appropriate. It is not excusable.

I am sick of hearing myself say the word's "I'm sorry". While I know I genuinely mean it from my heart when I say it, it's like a broken record at this point. The word's have completely lost their meaning. Having to say "I'm sorry" repeatedly to those I care about most, is sickening. That's really the person I've become.

I am a fake. I put on a nice front that I am a good, kind, calm and considerate person. In reality though, that's what I want to be, that's who I was raised to be, but that is not who I am.  It's time for REAL change, not tomorrow, not next week. Right now