Day 69: No Tomorrow

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” - Mahatma Gandhi

Live every day as if there is no tomorrow. Don't worry so much about the future, and stress about the unknowns. Live every day as if it were your last. If you died tonight in your sleep, would you die happy, knowing you lived your last day as your best day?

You can only plan, and work so much for tomorrow; but in the end it is the unknown. You can't predict everything that is going to happen. We don't know what the future holds for any of us. You can only live each day, one day at a time, and make today what you want it to be. Make the right choices, the right decisions, and be happy with who you are today.

Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. As cheesey and cliche as that line is, it is the truth. We need to be thankful for today, and hopeful for tomorrow. There is no promise of tomorrow. We're lucky to have today, and we're lucky we had yesterday and the days before that.

Take what you've learned from yesterday, your mistakes, failures, achievements and successes. Apply them to your life today, and make today even better than yesterday.

Only you have the power to change your life. Only you can decide how you're going to live. You have to make the choice on your own.

I have to make these choices on my own. To be a better person, to live each day as if it were my last. To not regret my past, but be thankful for it. The past made me who I am today. Without it, I wouldn't be me. I've made a lot of mistakes, done a lot of shameful things, but in the end I'm only me. The past can't define who I am today, or who I am in the future. The past is only a part of the story. I'm writing the story, I can change it at any time. I am in control of my future.

I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul

Day 66: Subconscious

“We must realize that the subconscious mind is the law of action and always expresses what the conscious mind has impressed on it. What we regularly entertain in our mind creates a conception of self. What we conceive ourselves to be, we become.” - Grace Speare

What is in your subconscious mind? What are your thoughts, memories, dreams, goals, regrets, hopes, failures; that your mind is holding on to?

Our mind is made of up 2 parts, the conscious and the subconscious. The subconscious is much greater than the conscious mind. The conscious mind you can control directly, while the subconscious mind is programmed and filled with information gradually over time from the conscious mind.

Sometimes you need to realize what is in your subconscious and sort through the information, and clean it up. Remove the negative, and organize the positive. The subconscious mind is not able to tell the difference from reality and imaginary, so be handle it with care. Your deepest feelings, dreams, views, goals, behaviors, emotions and instincts, all lie within your subconscious mind. Keep yourself in check with your subconscious mind. Know what your subconscious mind wants, and determine if that is what your true heart desire are.

Don't allow your subconscious mind to control you. Your subconscious mind is your reality check litmus paper for your desires, emotions, actions, and instincts. Your subconscious mind, is filled with things from your past. Some memories, and feelings are buried so deep, that you have nearly forgotten them, yet they are controlling your thoughts and actions.

Don't allow your past to determine your future. Who you were, is not who you have to be. Who you are today, is what is most important. Wake up each day, be positive, and be who you want to be. Take every day one step at a time. Every day, live life to the fullest. Be the person you want to be, and don't let your past failures, pitfalls, and lapses of judgement, define who you are.

Day 64: Think

Think like a man of action, and act like a man of thought. - Henri Bergson

This is something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I don't think before I act. Don't think before I speak. Don't think before I do. It leads me to making irrational decisions, and saying things in the wrong way. My behavior, actions and words, they come out very bluntly.

I've never learned to think, then act, think, then speak, think, then respond. I need to learn how to do this, it needs to be second nature. Think first, then act. Think first then speak. Think first then respond.

Instead I've always done it in reverse of act then think, speak then think, and respond then think. It leads to many angry moments, many tempers lost, and many sorry's said. So many sorry's that the word has little meaning left. Empty apologies, that no one finds sincere, that stab others right in their chest.

It's time to grow up, behave, act, and talk like an adult. To treat others with the kindness and respect that all people deserve. To stay calm, and be a rational thinking person. To live life to the fullest. To not hold grudges, and to let go of anger and resentment. To forgive myself for my past failures, and regrets. To learn new things each day. To learn from my mistakes, and always strive to be better. To think, always think, without over thinking everything.

Be considerate. Be kind. Think always. Think often. Never act without thinking first.

I could blame my ADD for my lack of thinking before I act, but in the end it's all about maturity, and accepting personal responsibility. I can't just always use my ADD as a scapegoat for my immaturity, and being irresponsible. It's not an excuse. It's not acceptable.

There comes a point where your excuses are just excuses. Excuses don't excuse anything. They're just a way to push off the blame, and to avoid responsibility.

Take responsibility, and think before I act.

Day 50: Discretion

Discretion -
1 : the quality of being discreet : circumspection; especially : cautious reserve in speech
2 : ability to make responsible decisions
3 a : individual choice or judgment b : power of free decision or latitude of choice within certain legal bounds
4 : the result of separating or distinguishing


Nothing is more dangerous than a friend without discretion; even a prudent enemy is preferable. - Jean de La Fontaine


Discretion. What an important word, that can be applied to life in so many ways. Words are so important. I need to expand my vocabulary, and communication skills. We all should practice more discretion in our lives. Today with the internet, and social networking communities, we often lose our discretion, and put our lives out there too much. Not everyone needs to know every last little detail of your life.

Discretion also applies to your conversations, and your behaviors. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. I need to practice filtering what I say more often, thinking about what I'm saying before I say it. I need to behave this way as well, thinking about what I'm doing before I'm doing it. Have some discretion, some self control. Make responsible, mature decisions. I'm an adult, I need to talk like one, and behave like one, at all times.

No one wants to be around someone who has no discretion over what he says or does. It's annoying, immature, and child like. Irresponsible. Everyone doesn't want to hear every little problem I have, or every emotion I'm feeling. They don't want to know everything about me. They don't need to know everything about me. At least I had discretion enough to only share this blog with a select few people that I actually know.

Every day is a new day, with a small step forward. One step at a time I'm getting to where I want to be.

Day 39: Frustrations

The fear really hits you. That's what you feel first. And then it's the anger and frustration. Part of the problem is how little we understand about the ultimate betrayal of the body when it rebels against itself. - Charles Bronson

Frustration. Anger. Disappointment. Failure.

Sometimes I lose my lid, and I explode. Unexplainable outbursts. Inexcusable. Irrational. Embarrassing. Rude. Ignorant. Child like. Temper.

I'm not an angry person, I'm not a violent person. Sometimes I just lose my head, and I yell. I raise my voice to decibels unknown to most ears. It's uncalled for, immature, and very irresponsible. It's happened time and time again throughout my life. It's not something I'm proud of. It's my worst trait. It's humiliating. Embarrassing to me, and all of those around me when it happens. It's almost like I have an out of body experience, and I don't even realize what I'm doing, or how ridiculous I'm behaving. Makes me wonder what it looks like, to others, since I can't really see it myself. It's disgusting. It's ugly. 

It's as if a demon lives inside of me, and takes control. I must learn to tame this demon, and over come this evil.

I am no longer a child, there is no excuse for throwing a temper tantrum. Life is not going to always go my way. Sometimes things will upset me. Sometimes people will disappoint me. Sometimes I will upset myself. Sometimes I will disappoint myself, as I often have. Sometimes everyone around me will fail me. I have to learn to be the strong, and control my emotions, and not lose my head.

Apologies don't work anymore. They no longer mean anything. "Sorry I lost it, but hey it WILL happen again in 5 minutes"......that just doesn't work. People do not make me angry, I LET myself get angry. I have to control myself. I cannot control anyone else. No one is out to get me, no one is out to piss me off. It's ME making me angry. It's ME not letting things go. It's ME being an asshole.

Pain is only temporary. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Stop getting angry. Stop losing my head. Focus, focus, focus. There is no reason to ever yell, at anyone or anything. Treat people with some common decency and respect. Always stay calm. Remember what doesn't matter. Remember what matters.

Day 33: Mind

Mind over Matter.

Everything in life comes down to Mind over Matter. Your mind, controls what you do, and what you don't do. You can control your own behavior.
It's all just a matter of self control, and focus. Mind over matter.

You can't blame your actions on anything or anyone else. You're responsible for your own actions, and only yours.

Take control of your mind, take control of your life.

I must focus my mind over matter. I need to stop blaming outside things, and those around me. Personal responsibility is important. If you truly respect and trust yourself, you'll hold yourself accountable.

In order to be a good mate, you need to be self responsible, accountable, and trust worthy.

Trust in yourself, and hold yourself accountable.

Day 16: Confession

Why is the person we disappoint the most in life, always ourself?

This is a public confession, of something I did yesterday, that I am not proud of. Something that was very rude, and definitely crossed the line. It was border line crazy, and stalker like.

Yesterday morning, I hacked into her cell phone account online. I did it, because I know she texts that other guy, and jealousy over came me, and I went a bit crazy about it, and I had to see how much they were texting. I got nothing out of it, and it actually made me feel worse after doing it, because then I really could see clearly how often they text. Sometimes for hours on end, sometimes just a few texts back and forth. Not every day, like she said. She had already told me everything that I could see here.

Why did I have to go in, and violate her trust like that? Why did I allow my jealousy to overcome me and make such an impulsive decision?

I then told her friend what I had done, and told her I was going to tell her later in the day after she got out of work. I told her friend, that I was going to stop asking 'her' about him, as it is honestly none of my business, and it doesn't do many any good. Her friend got a hold of her before me, and told her what I did. I should have known that her friend would do that; any true friend would, and should. I don't blame her friend for telling her. I wish I would have gotten to tell her first though.

She trusted me with her passwords, and personal information. I abused that trust. I violated her privacy, for what? To find out, what she'd already told me. What a jerk. What she does, who she talks to, where she goes; is honestly none of my business anymore. We are not together; she is not my girlfriend, and she's not even my best friend anymore; so it is definitely not my business. An apology wouldn't even be suffice. What I did was wrong, and I knew it.

I haven't talked to her since yesterday. Today has been a pretty silent day to me. Silence is good. I need to learn to be silent, and to not do impulsive crazy/stalker like things.

Why do I always let myself down, and those around me; just when I think I'm doing so well and trying to focus on me? I'm a failure. Can people ever really change? I've tried it so many times, and failed at it; that I'm not sure if I really believe we can or not. I'm such a mess. I can clearly see why she's not my girlfriend, and why I lack close friendships.

I have a long, long road ahead of me.

Anger

I have one major problem. My anger. It envelopes me. I have to attack the source of my anger.

It is deep down within me. It is not the situations that I get in to, or what other people do that makes me angry. It is my own self. I let myself get angry. It is often fueled by my emotions, and jealousy. I'm too sensitive. I let myself get angry. Anger is just an unacceptable excuse to be rude, and take things out on people, when I'm really just trying to make myself feel better. Making myself feel better, by making you feel like dirt. Real mature, real nice. I often blame my ADD, for my anger, and I'm sure it is part of the source of my anger as well, but it is not an excuse. I cannot continue to look for something to blame. I am the source of my problems.

I'm not happy with who I am. I'm not happy with my career. I'm not happy with my life. I take this out on other people, and blame them for it, by masking myself with anger. You looked at me the wrong way, you don't agree with me, you don't want the same things I want, you don't want to hang out with me (why would you, I'm an agry asshole?), so I'm angry at you. This means I get to scream at you, and treat you like dirt. I'm broke, I'm under a lot of stress, I hate my job, I hate that I'm on a wait list for Nursing school, and so I take it out on you.

I must learn to accept myself, and to be happy with where I'm at in life right now. I can't take it out on others, that I'm unhappy, and I shouldn't be unhappy. My life is not where I ultimately want to be, but I am working on getting there, and I have a plan. I just need to be patient. Things will work themself out. Once I'm in the Nursing program, things will go much better, and then once I'm actually a Nurse it'll get even better.

Let's now get to specifics, about what sets my anger off.

• When people are critical of me. I get my feelings hurt. I take it out as anger.
• When someone doesn't do what I want, I get selfish, and then my anger comes out.
• When you don't want to hang out with me, I get jealous of what you're doing, which is very selfish, and obsessive, and then I get angry.
• When I feel that my feelings are being betrayed. I'm being overly sensitive most of the time, and then I get angry.
• When someone breaks plans with me. I get selfish, and expect too much out of people. I get angry and take it out on them.
• When someone lies to me, or hides something from me. My trust is broken, and I get angry.

Most of these reasons are NOT rational reasons to get angry at all. 99% of the time, I'm over reacting, being irrational and too sensitive. Jealousy and feelings are two things that often fuel my rage, and if I can stop being so sensitive ALL the time, it would really help resolve this irrational rage that I go into.

These are all just excuses for my anger. Unacceptable excuses. Anger is not acceptable. Jealousy is not acceptable. If I dont' get my anger, jealousy and sensitivity under control, I'll never be able to be in a relationship again.

My anger is the biggest reason that she left me. It's cost me what I love most in this world. My love. My everything. It was too much for her, and far too often.

The rare times that it is rational to get angry about something, I must learn to control how I channel it. I must learn to talk calmly and express my feelings approrpriately. No screaming. No name calling. No swearing. No putting the other person down. And this must be done in private, directly with the person involved, no one else around.

Challenging myself to learn to limit my anger, jealousy, sensitivy, and selfishness. If it is a rational time to be angry, or jealous, or sensitive, learn to channel it appropriately. Focus on self control, and personal responsibility for my actions. Acting rational. Thinking  of others before I act.