Day 76: Before I Die

“Every man dies - Not every man really lives.” - William Ross Wallace

What do you want to do before you die?

That's a question I'm sure we all think about time and time again. I know I've thought about it most of my life, adding things to it, and sometimes revising previous items I had in my head of what I wanted to do. Our plans change. Our lives change.

What we want most, and what we want to achieve usually doesn't change much throughout our lives. What want to do most, what we want to achieve; this is our bucket list.

Most of us want a lot of the same things. We want happiness, love, family, and success. But then there are the little things we want to achieve. The fun places we want to go. The dumb things we want to say we experienced. The life we want to live. What is it that you want to do? What is that I want to do?

I want to feel alive. When I look back at life, I want to know that I lived, and I did the things I wanted to. I want to feel like I accomplished and achieved. I want to live every day like it's my last, and be proud of who I am.

Live before I die.

I want to live, and love. I want a family. I want a career that I enjoy. I want to travel. I want to do things, I want to see things. I want to experience life. I want to smile, laugh, and have fun.

I'm working on my bucket list. What's on your bucket list? Are you really living?

Day 70: Confidence

“When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun. And when you have fun, you can do amazing things.”

I know who I am.

I need to have more pride and confidence in myself. Confidence is attractive.

I am a pretty awesome person. I am fun to be around. I'm kind, giving, and considerate. Those that I care about, I'm always here for, no matter what. Treat me with respect, and I'll treat you with respect. I am a handsome guy, and I have a baby face.

I'm not perfect, and I have made my fair share of mistakes, some of them repeatedly. In the end I learned, and grew from my mistakes. It's all you can do. You fix what you can, leave the things be that you can't, and learn from all of it. Life is a roller coaster. You have to hold on tight, and prepare yourself for the next drop.

I know who I am, and I know what I want in life. I know I am a good person. I know that I am not perfect. I know I will make mistakes in the future. I know I have good morals, and good judgement. I know I will be a great boyfriend, husband, and father some day. I know I am going to be a great Nurse some day. I can't wait for that.

I know I am a great son, brother, and friend to those in my life.

I have no regrets in this life. I've lived, and learned. The things I've done and said and done in the past, do not represent who I am. They are a part of who I am. Every day is a learning experience, preparing me for tomorrow. I live each day to the best of my ability, the way that I want to live it, with no regrets.

I am who I am, and that's all I can be. Like me, love me, or hate me. I'm real. I'm genuine. I am me, that's all I'll ever be. I'm a sinner, I'm not a saint. Don't judge me. I am only me, and that's who I want to be.

Live life, and love it.

Day 69: No Tomorrow

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” - Mahatma Gandhi

Live every day as if there is no tomorrow. Don't worry so much about the future, and stress about the unknowns. Live every day as if it were your last. If you died tonight in your sleep, would you die happy, knowing you lived your last day as your best day?

You can only plan, and work so much for tomorrow; but in the end it is the unknown. You can't predict everything that is going to happen. We don't know what the future holds for any of us. You can only live each day, one day at a time, and make today what you want it to be. Make the right choices, the right decisions, and be happy with who you are today.

Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. As cheesey and cliche as that line is, it is the truth. We need to be thankful for today, and hopeful for tomorrow. There is no promise of tomorrow. We're lucky to have today, and we're lucky we had yesterday and the days before that.

Take what you've learned from yesterday, your mistakes, failures, achievements and successes. Apply them to your life today, and make today even better than yesterday.

Only you have the power to change your life. Only you can decide how you're going to live. You have to make the choice on your own.

I have to make these choices on my own. To be a better person, to live each day as if it were my last. To not regret my past, but be thankful for it. The past made me who I am today. Without it, I wouldn't be me. I've made a lot of mistakes, done a lot of shameful things, but in the end I'm only me. The past can't define who I am today, or who I am in the future. The past is only a part of the story. I'm writing the story, I can change it at any time. I am in control of my future.

I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul

Day 67: Exams

“Why Study For Exams.... Are they not about what you know, not about how much you can cram into your head the night before?”

Took 2 exams tonight. Got an 80% on the first one, and not sure how I did on the 2nd one. Second one was a lab exam, with only 25 questions. Professor gave us 3 of the answers on the lab exam, so I know I've got at least 3 right. Hopefully got a lot more than 3 right.

Life is like one big exam. You face challenges, and learn new things every day, and then some days you take exams. You face those big challenges, those big decisions, and you have to use what you've learned in the past, to make the best choices. The choices you make, decide your future. Make the choices that you desire, and your heart desires, and you'll be headed in the right direction toward your happiness and success. Make bad choices, without thinking things through; and you'll be headed for failure.

Always think things through. Try your hardest. Use what you've experienced, what you've been through, what you've learned, to help you make the right choices. Listen to what your heart and mind are telling you to do. Which one is speaking louder? Which one do you trust more? Which one is smarter?

Sometimes you need to reflect back on your past, and think about decisions you've made. You need to look at the mistakes you've made, and the successes you've had. Learn from the mistakes, and from the successes. See where you can improve, and what you're best at. Don't get discouraged by your mistakes, and failures. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. You just have to get up, brush your knees off, and keep on going. The journey is long, but it is worth it. Keep running.

Don't just cram the night before. You need to retain the information. Retain your memories, retain your knowledge. Think strong. Live strong. Be confident in the choices you make. Be confident in the life you live. Learn something new every day, and apply it to your life.

Day 64: Think

Think like a man of action, and act like a man of thought. - Henri Bergson

This is something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I don't think before I act. Don't think before I speak. Don't think before I do. It leads me to making irrational decisions, and saying things in the wrong way. My behavior, actions and words, they come out very bluntly.

I've never learned to think, then act, think, then speak, think, then respond. I need to learn how to do this, it needs to be second nature. Think first, then act. Think first then speak. Think first then respond.

Instead I've always done it in reverse of act then think, speak then think, and respond then think. It leads to many angry moments, many tempers lost, and many sorry's said. So many sorry's that the word has little meaning left. Empty apologies, that no one finds sincere, that stab others right in their chest.

It's time to grow up, behave, act, and talk like an adult. To treat others with the kindness and respect that all people deserve. To stay calm, and be a rational thinking person. To live life to the fullest. To not hold grudges, and to let go of anger and resentment. To forgive myself for my past failures, and regrets. To learn new things each day. To learn from my mistakes, and always strive to be better. To think, always think, without over thinking everything.

Be considerate. Be kind. Think always. Think often. Never act without thinking first.

I could blame my ADD for my lack of thinking before I act, but in the end it's all about maturity, and accepting personal responsibility. I can't just always use my ADD as a scapegoat for my immaturity, and being irresponsible. It's not an excuse. It's not acceptable.

There comes a point where your excuses are just excuses. Excuses don't excuse anything. They're just a way to push off the blame, and to avoid responsibility.

Take responsibility, and think before I act.

Day 62: Organization

“Organize your life around your dreams - and watch them come true.” - Unknown

I need to get my life my organized. Organize and sort my belongings. Remove the clutter. Remove the unnecessary. Remember what it is important, and place it as such in my life.

I need to organize my mind, and life; and focus on attaining my goals. Remove the stress. Keep things organized, neat, and tidy. Let things be. Be more responsible. Be an adult. Grow up.

I need to stop postponing removing the trash in my life. The thoughts. The ideas. The ignorance. I need to just remove them, and move forward head first. Face my battles on my own. Overcome my fears on my own. Overcome my insecurities, weaknesses, and frustrations on my own. I need to be proud of who I am, but recognize my faults, and my failures. I need to better myself, and continue to work harder to be who I want to be. Organize my thoughts, and my goals. Retain my focus, and keep it where it belongs, on the the future.

I need to remove the bad habits in my life, the bad behaviors, the irrational decisions and reactions. I need to create new, good habits, good behaviors, and be more rational with my decisions and reactions. I need to be a  kinder person. I need to be more considerate. I need to stop being so serious all the time. I need to learn to take a joke, and not take everything so personally. I'm too sensitive.

Organize my thoughts, my life, my mind, my goals, my achievements, my failures. Work towards my future with organization, good intentions, good actions, and focus.

Day 61: Work

“It's going to be tough, but I honestly think that if you're truly extraordinary, you're going to be OK. I'm clinging to that good feeling I get from people. Having that career momentum, the sky's the limit.” Joseph Wright

I really do not enjoy my current job. It's monotonous. It's boring. It's extremely repetitive. The management system is horrible. The company runs everything backwards. The pay sucks. But it gets me through the day, and one day at a time I'm working towards my future.

I cannot wait to start my career as a Nurse. It's still a distance off, but I am getting there slowly but surely. I also want to start a side job business of doing computer repairs, upgrades, and builds. Extra income.

 I want to explore my photography hobby, take more classes, and try to get some side work doing that as well. In January I had my first ever paying photo shoot, of my Niece for her birth announcements.

My current job, is not the best job, and it's definitely not the worst job. I need to really start looking for a better job though, of any sort, that I can work, while I continue my education. It's a catch twenty-two though, because my current job, while it doesn't pay the best, and is very dull; I have great benefits, and tuition reimbursement for my classes. Part of me thinks, I need to just stick it out here and deal with this job. I'm lucky and fortunate to have a full time job in Michigan given the current state of the economy.

Sometimes I just need to be more thankful for my job, and that while I'm not making a lot of money, I'm able to live on my own, and take care of myself.

Work harder. Continue to focus on my career, and securing better employment for my future. Don't stress about my current situation, but focus on my future.

Day 60: Studying

“Get over the idea that only children should spend their time in study. Be a student so long as you still have something to learn, and this will mean all your life.” Henry L. Doherty

Study, study, study. I need to learn to study more, and more effectively.

I'm trying to attain a Nursing degree, while I'm also working full time, and enjoying life. I need to study harder, and more often. I must get good grades. Failure is not an option. I need to devote more time each week to studying for my classes. Luckily this semester I only have one class, but it is a very challenging course.

I need to dedicate at least 3 times a week to studying for my class, reviewing the material, and reading the text book. I need to review the information, and be sure I retain the knowledge, as I will need it for my future courses. I need to determine better study habits for myself, and learn what works best for me. Flash cards, reading, note taking, and reviewing.

I have to pass my class this semester. Failure is not an option. I must get good grades on the remaining exams. I must study, and prepare for them. I cannot go into them nervous, and stressed. I need to be relaxed, and know that I know the information. The instructor I have has given us the direct information, passing the class should not be difficult.

I only have one class this semester, there is no reason for me to be struggling with it. There is no reason for me to be stressed about it. I must work harder, and focus.

Study harder, and review all the information regularly.

Day 56: Expectations

“Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality.” - Ralph Marston

Do your expectations align with your reality? Do you expect too much? Do you challenge yourself to perform at a higher level, in order to meet your expectations? Do your best, always try harder, and don't expect anything.

Expectations will always fail you. Your expectations are usually not your reality. Do not expect to much. Do not expect to little. Be balanced. It's like a teeter totter of life, your expectations on one side, your reality on the other.

If you expect too much, you'll be let down, and feel miserable. If you expect to little, you won't challenge yourself enough to achieve greatness; and you'll be settling with mediocrity. Do not settle. Don't accept failure. Don't accept being miserable. Don't accept anything less than true happiness. Failure is not an option.

Don't hold others to your expectations, they will fail you and let you down. You can only rely on yourself. You are you, and they are they. Be who you want to be, the best that you can be. Let others be who they want to be, and do not judge them. Do not hold them to your standards. Do not expect them to be the same as you. Do not expect them to make the same choices as you. Do not expect them to understand you.

You can only control one person in this world, and it is yourself.  Only expect things of yourself, not of others.

Do not accept failures. Do not disappoint yourself by failing to perform to your best ability. Set goals, and reach for them, go after them with full focus. Don't go into a day expecting things to happen that are left up to others. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. Life is purely coincidental, that is all.

Everything happens, you can only control yourself in any given situation. Don't let yourself down. Don't forget who you are. Don't forget what you stand for, or what you believe in.

Day 55: Relaxing

“Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.” - Ashleigh Brilliant

Life isn't easy. Everything doesn't always go the way you plan, and that's good and bad. It's life. It's how everything is meant to be.

Sometimes you just have to sit back, and relax, and let life be. That's what weekends are for, to enjoy, breathe in, and relax. Enjoy life. Enjoy your day. Enjoy doing absolutely nothing.

What if you could have a relax button in your life? You're under stress, you hate your job, you're frustrated with everything around you; and you just want to crumble and break. Push the relax button, and make it all go away.

Sit back, and get a new perspective on things. Take everything a little less seriously. Life is too short to be serious all the time. Life is too short to have regrets. Life is too short to be stressed out. Change what you can, and accept what you can't. Understand that things you can change, usually take work, and aren't going to change over night. You have to wait things out, and sometimes you just have to smile and fight your way through it.

If it was easy would it really be worth it?

I need to take more time to relax and destress my life. Stop worry about the things I can't change right now, and know things in the future will be better. Change what I can change. Focus on my goals, and don't let stress and doubts prevent me from achieving them.

Failure is not an option. Stress is a choice. Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. Smile. Repeat.

Day 51: Regrets

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” - Fulton Oursler

Often in life I've said I've regretted things I have done, said, and things I haven't done. It's time to live without regrets. Life happens. Things happen. Lessons happen. You live you learn, you grow. You can't just bottle up your life and hold it inside regretting every mistake, and failure you've made. Make the things right that you can, learn from everything, and work towards your future. That's all you can do.

Mistakes are only mistakes if you learn from them, and change how you react to the situations in the future. It's not a mistake if you'll continuously repeat it over and over again. Insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different outcome. If you continue to do what you've been doing all along, how do you ever expect anything to change?

You have to do things differently to get a different outcome. You have to learn from your mistakes. You have to behave differently. A mistake that's continuously repeated, is not a mistake, it's a natural behavior. That's where my problem lies. Many of my actions, are not mistakes, as I've repeated them so many times in my life; that they're second nature, natural behaviors.

I can't ever regret anything, as everything I've done, is what I wanted to do at the moment. Be it good or bad, it's obviously what I wanted at the moment. Living in the moment will often bite you in the ass. You have to keep focused on your ultimate goals, and not sacrifice anything to reach them. Every mistake, failure, and mis-step that I have made, was made for a reason. They were made by the choices I make, and my own behavior. Be it right or wrong. I am who I am. It's time to better myself, for me, now.

Day 48: Laughter

Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.  - Josh Billings

Laugh often. Have fun. Always smile.

Laughter is the best medicine. It's such a stress reliever, and very relaxing. Had a lot of fun this weekend, after having a very long work week. Worked 10 days in a row, and it seemed like it was never going to end. Finally the weekend arrived.

Don't let a day go by without laughing. Life is too short to be serious all the time. Sometimes you have to have fun, kick back, and laugh. I love the feelings of laughing. I love when I laugh so hard my stomach hurts, and I can't breath, even if it is slightly painful.

It's amazing how quickly you can laugh, and forget everything else. Stress just disappears. A smile comes to your face. I laugh really easily about the silliest things which helps a lot. I love to laugh. I can't count how many times I've laughed so hard I've spit my drink out, often embarrassing, but entirely hilarious.

Sometimes the best thing you can do in a difficult situation, is to just laugh it off and move on. Let it be. You can't control everything, you can't fix everything. Just let it go, and laugh it off. Laugh off the excessive seriousness. Laugh off the stress. Laugh off your depression. Laugh off your tears.

Live, love and laugh.

Day 44: Needs

“Keep high aspirations, moderate expectations, and small needs” - William Howard Stein

Often in life, we get distracted, and we lose focus on our ultimate desires. We begin to confuse wants with needs, using them as one in the same; when they are completely different. We get greedy, and weak. We begin to think we need everything, and want even more.

You begin to convince yourself, that your wants are your needs, and that they're one in the same. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I know I've often fell guilty of this as well. I get ungrateful for what I have, and that my needs are fulfilled in life, and that my wants are truly wants; and not necessities.

Here are my needs.

• Water
• Food
• Shelter
• Career
• Happiness

If I have those 5 needs, my life is complete. That is all that is necessary to live a successful and happy life. We all need to learn a more simplistic life, and be grateful for what we have. We do not need everything under the sun. We do not need to be consumed with greed, and wanting desires.

We must maintain our needs, and fulfill them. Do not confuse your wants, with your needs. The next time you think you need something, just think to yourself, can you live without it; in most cases you can. There are very few necessities in this world, that you absolutely have to have. 

There is nothing wrong with having wants, but you must keep them separate from your needs, and never confuse the too. 

We do not need relationships. We do not need love. We want love. We do not need girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives. We want them, and they are amazing, when the time is right, but it is not a need. It may feel like a need, and it will help complete the need of happiness, but it cannot be the key to your happiness. There are many wants that will help fulfill your needs, but they are not needs. You must learn to be independently happy, and to enjoy life; and fulfill your needs on your own, before you can truly love.

Never confuse wants with needs.

Day 43: Intention

"It is not good enough for things to be planned - they still have to be done; for the intention to become a reality, energy has to be launched into operation.” - Walt Kelly

I've been thinking a lot about my intentions lately. As the character of a man, can be judged by his intentions. Are your intentions where they should be? Are you intentions in line with your goals? Intention to change is not change. You have to actually make the changes, but the first step is the intention to change. After you have your intentions correct, then you can begin to make steps forward towards your goals.

Thinking about changing, and continuously talking about changing, is just a waste of time and breath. It gets you no where. Sometimes talking helps, and is needed; but it's not action. It's not productive. Change has to be made in your heart, your mind, and your soul. You have to focus on your ultimate goals, and make a straight line for them. The shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line. Taking any other route would be a waste of time. Live to your maximum potential.

Keep the correct intentions in your mind in your heart; and put your intentions in to your behaviors and your actions. Keep your word. Be honest. Be real, and face reality. Accept the things you cannot change, and have courage to change the things that you can.

Do not accept anything less than your best. Do not settle for anything less than your ultimate desires. Nothing worth while is achieved easily. Do the hard thing, and get what you want. Create yourself. Self-justification: Making yourself right in your own eyes.

Day 42: Crying

Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry.  So unless you have been very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.  ~Lemony Snicket

Some days I still come home, and just curl up in bed or on the couch and just cry. Cry until my head hearts, cry until my eyes hurt. Cry until I'm numb and can't feel anything anymore. Sometimes I feel better after crying, sometimes I feel worse. Either way, sometimes it just has to happen.

I hate that it has to be like this right now. I hate that I'm weak, and emotional. Nights are the hardest. Sitting here at home alone, just makes me think. Cooking dinner alone is often depressing. Trying to sleep at night is always a challenge. My mind just drives me to stay awake too much. I need to learn to let things go, and forget them.

Sometimes it feels great to just let it all out, and to get it out. Just as it does every day writing in this blog. It's a build up and a release. That's how crying starts, something hits me, and it slowly builds up, until I can't take it anymore and my eyes just overflow with tears, and I weep like a baby. I barely can breath. It hurts. It's real. It's everything that it should be.

Crying sometimes feels amazing, and sometimes it's the worst feeling in the world. Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of happiness. A release. Sometimes they all come at once. 

I need to stop crying, and to live my life. Be happy that the past happened, learn from it, live from it, and move on for me. One step forward. One foot in front of the other. Slowly getting to my destiny.