Day 57: Lover

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” - Morrie Schwartz

I am a lover, not a fighter.

I am empty. I don't have my heart, and I wish I did. I want to know how to love. I want to be able to love again. I want to be able to feel again. I am tired of hurting.

I know I've been in-love twice, and know it was real; but I often feel that I wasn't giving enough of myself either time. That I wasn't good enough. When you fall in-love with someone, and you give yourself to them, you need to share your wholeself with that person. You have to let go of your fears, and doubts; you have to just be yourself, and let love happen.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4

I don't think I ever truly understood this Bible verse. That I ever really applied it to my love, to my relationships, to my life. It is very true. I've been impatient, unkind, self-seeking, easily angered, jealous, selfish, and untrusting. That's not what love is at all. That's me being immature, selfish, arrogant, and ignorant.
I don't think I've ever completely let go of myself, my pride, and my ego; and given my wholeself to someone. I've been selfish, and I've held on to my insecurities. I've given all of myself some of the time, but not all myself all of the time, like it should be. You have to put your significant other before yourself, 100% of the time, while not losing yourself in the process. Lovers should compliment each other well.

I want to have that passionate, fantasy, fairy-tale like love. I want to have love like Johnny and June. I want to have passionate love like Noah and Allie in The Notebook. I want it to be real. True love is real, although I know it's rare. I consider myself lucky, to have experienced true love.

I know my heart is not ready to be consumed with love again. My mind is not ready to be consumed. I am not ready.

I can't give myself to anyone, when I still have feelings and pain from previous love. I'm still hurting. It would not be fair. It wouldn't be right, or appropriate. I do not want a rebound. I want something real, when the time is right. I want to love like I've never been hurt. I want to dance like no one is watching. I want to live like I've never lived before.

I can't give myself to someone, when I'm unhappy with myself, and who I am. I can't love someone, when I don't love myself. I can't be with someone when I have these insecurities, and frustrations with myself. I have to overcome these things, and work on me. I have to be happy with me, and who I am; independently. If I can't be happy single, how can I ever maintain happiness in a relationship?

I need to focus on me. I don't know if I'll ever find love again, and I have to accept that. Right now I need to keep myself as my number one priority. Work on me, and become a better me. This is a good life. I need to enjoy it.

Day 45: Wants

I know exactly what I want. Everything. Calm, peace, tranquility,
freedom, fun, happiness. If I could make all that one word, I would - a
many-syllabled word. - Johnny Depp

We all have wants within us we hope to fulfill. Our true hart desires. The things we ware most passionate about. The things that fill our thoughts and time. Sometimes these wants overwhelm us, and it kills our productivity. It kills our soul, and we begin to focus too much on what we do not have and only on what we want. We begin to think that our wants are our needs, and that our needs are just given rights. That is foolish and naive.

There is nothing wrong with having wants, desires, but you must know that they are wants. That you don't need them. That in not having them, you're not going to die. Once you know this, you can work towards your goals, and achieving your wants appropriately. Follow your heart. Do not deceive yourself what your true desires are. Never give up what you want most, for what you want at the moment. Trust your heart.

My Wants:

• To Become a Nurse
• Happiness
• Good friends
• True love
• To Always have fun.
• To Laugh often.
• Become a better photographer
• My own family some day.
• To be wanted.

Those are my wants in this world. It's true as the line goes, the best things in life are free. Nearly everyone shares these same desires. Who doesn't want success? Happiness? Love? Family? To be wanted? Most people would agree that they want some or all of these same things.

Wants do not outweigh needs, but they are important in life as well. Just always remember your needs being fulfilled are more important, and that your wants are not necessities in life. Don't make someone feel like you need them, no one wants to feel needed. They want to feel wanted. Don't focus too much on your career that you forget to have fun, and enjoy life. Don't focus only on having fun either. Evenly direct your focus on your goals so you can achieve them, in the proper fashion. Don't let anything stop you from getting what you want in life.

Don't ever forget what you truly want in life.