Day 42: Crying

Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry.  So unless you have been very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.  ~Lemony Snicket

Some days I still come home, and just curl up in bed or on the couch and just cry. Cry until my head hearts, cry until my eyes hurt. Cry until I'm numb and can't feel anything anymore. Sometimes I feel better after crying, sometimes I feel worse. Either way, sometimes it just has to happen.

I hate that it has to be like this right now. I hate that I'm weak, and emotional. Nights are the hardest. Sitting here at home alone, just makes me think. Cooking dinner alone is often depressing. Trying to sleep at night is always a challenge. My mind just drives me to stay awake too much. I need to learn to let things go, and forget them.

Sometimes it feels great to just let it all out, and to get it out. Just as it does every day writing in this blog. It's a build up and a release. That's how crying starts, something hits me, and it slowly builds up, until I can't take it anymore and my eyes just overflow with tears, and I weep like a baby. I barely can breath. It hurts. It's real. It's everything that it should be.

Crying sometimes feels amazing, and sometimes it's the worst feeling in the world. Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of happiness. A release. Sometimes they all come at once. 

I need to stop crying, and to live my life. Be happy that the past happened, learn from it, live from it, and move on for me. One step forward. One foot in front of the other. Slowly getting to my destiny.

Day 41: Forgiveness

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” - Sara Paddison

Forgiveness, is never easy, but always necessary. The hardest person to forgive is yourself. Everyone disappoints them self, and lets them self down at one point or another, but you must learn to forgive yourself, and continue to move forward. You must also learn to forgive others. Be quick to forgive, but not to forget.

If you cant forgive, you're only holding your own self captive. The anger, resentment, frustration, and hate will only build up in you, making you bitter; and a prisoner in your own soul. Be strong, be the better person, and forgive, and let it go. Learn from your own mistakes and failures, as well as others. Forgive. Do not forget, but always forgive.

Feelings of anger, frustration and hate are normal. People will disappoint you time and time again. You will disappoint yourself time and time again. You will fail. You must continue forward. You cannot stay angry at yourself or others. It's a waste of time and energy to not forgive. It is not easy to forgive, but it's something you must do if you want to be happy. Don't let others bring you down. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and let it go.

I've always struggled with forgiveness. I hold grudges, I bring the past up, I say things are okay, when really inside they're not okay. I need to work on my forgiveness. There are many things I still haven't forgiven myself for, and people in my life I haven't forgiven either. Carrying anger, frustration, and bitterness with me everywhere I go. Not forgiving does not help you, it doesn't make you stronger, it doesn't make you smarter. It makes you ignorant, and shows your weakness.

Forgive but do not forget.

Day 40: Smile

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.  - W.C. Fields

Every day remember to smile. It's easier to smile than it is to frown, and it feels a whole lot better.

Happiness starts with a smile, and it's contagious to those around you. Laugh. Smile. Repeat. Everyday.

Appreciate the little things in life. Wake up and smile, and be thankful, and happy for everything that you have. Be thankful for those around you. Make them smile with you. Make them laugh.

Don't let a day pass without smiling. Life is far too short to not smile. Enjoy life. Do something every day that makes you smile. Do something everyday that challenges you. Laugh every day.

Forget your frustrations, your stresses and all the other nonsense; just smile. It'll make your day a lot brighter. I need to remember this, every day. Let life be, enjoy life. Smile. Life is happening, whether you want it to or not. You can't stop it. Don't try to. Just enjoy it. Cherish the moments you have. Smile and laugh often. Cry and frown only when appropriate. Don't dwell on your sorrows. Remember the most important thing in life, is to be happy. A smile is the quickest way to get there. Share a smile with someone every day. Make someone laugh.

Day 39: Frustrations

The fear really hits you. That's what you feel first. And then it's the anger and frustration. Part of the problem is how little we understand about the ultimate betrayal of the body when it rebels against itself. - Charles Bronson

Frustration. Anger. Disappointment. Failure.

Sometimes I lose my lid, and I explode. Unexplainable outbursts. Inexcusable. Irrational. Embarrassing. Rude. Ignorant. Child like. Temper.

I'm not an angry person, I'm not a violent person. Sometimes I just lose my head, and I yell. I raise my voice to decibels unknown to most ears. It's uncalled for, immature, and very irresponsible. It's happened time and time again throughout my life. It's not something I'm proud of. It's my worst trait. It's humiliating. Embarrassing to me, and all of those around me when it happens. It's almost like I have an out of body experience, and I don't even realize what I'm doing, or how ridiculous I'm behaving. Makes me wonder what it looks like, to others, since I can't really see it myself. It's disgusting. It's ugly. 

It's as if a demon lives inside of me, and takes control. I must learn to tame this demon, and over come this evil.

I am no longer a child, there is no excuse for throwing a temper tantrum. Life is not going to always go my way. Sometimes things will upset me. Sometimes people will disappoint me. Sometimes I will upset myself. Sometimes I will disappoint myself, as I often have. Sometimes everyone around me will fail me. I have to learn to be the strong, and control my emotions, and not lose my head.

Apologies don't work anymore. They no longer mean anything. "Sorry I lost it, but hey it WILL happen again in 5 minutes"......that just doesn't work. People do not make me angry, I LET myself get angry. I have to control myself. I cannot control anyone else. No one is out to get me, no one is out to piss me off. It's ME making me angry. It's ME not letting things go. It's ME being an asshole.

Pain is only temporary. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Stop getting angry. Stop losing my head. Focus, focus, focus. There is no reason to ever yell, at anyone or anything. Treat people with some common decency and respect. Always stay calm. Remember what doesn't matter. Remember what matters.

Day 38: Favors

“The pleasure we derive from doing favors is partly in the feeling it gives us that we are not altogether worthless. It is a pleasant surprise to ourselves.” - Eric Hoffer

Favor's are important in life, friendships, relationships, and success. Sometimes you have to reach out and do a favor. It's not about looking for anything in return. You have to do it whole heartedly, only in the best interest of others. Be completely selfless.

It requires you to be unselfish, selfless, for you to care, and concern yourself with others happiness. Putting others before yourself, reaching out to others in their time of need, even if they cannot give you anything in return. Just like Christmas, it will always hold true, in those that are selfless, you find more happiness in giving, than receiving. It's is the graciousness, and happiness that you give to others that makes you happy. You cannot expect anything in return, or compare anything they may give in return. Just a simple, you're welcome, is all that's needed. Pay it forward. Smile.

Always be kind, and respectful when doing a favor for others. Reach out to others in their time of need, and others will reach out to you in your time of need. Do not demand anything return, or even request anything in return. Just let it be. Good Karma.

You will find more happiness in doing favors, and helping others than you can ever imagine.

Give a smile to someone at least once a day. Even a complete stranger. Hold a door for someone, say thank you to someone. Simple gestures of gratitude can go a long ways. Be selfless. Put others before yourself.

Purpose

“Purpose is what gives life a meaning.” - Charles H. Perkhurst

I'm starting to regain focus, and understand my purpose. The purpose of this year, this blog, my life, and where I'm headed.

The purpose of this blog, is not her, although she was the start of the blog, that led me to this point. I thank her for that, and I needed that. I've now started to realize, this blog is not about her, it is about me. It's about my future, my life, and the changes I want to make. For the better of me, regardless of her.

I want to make these changes for me. And for whoever I am with in the future. I want to be able to be the best boyfriend, husband, and father that I can be. Whether it's her, or someone else. I want to be happy, for me, without anyone else. I want to have a purpose, and focus in my life, without anyone else. I want to understand myself, and be able to control myself. If I cannot be happy alone, and love myself, I cannot ever offer myself to someone else. I cannot love someone else. That is the point.

I have to have an open mind, and an optimistic outlook towards the future. I do not know what the future holds. I can only live, and control the present time.  I cannot look back at the past anymore, and wonder where the mis-steps were. I already know where they were. Analyzing them anymore, is just over-kill, and distracts me from my goals. The past is in the past, it is what it is. I have to accept that I cannot change anything that happened, and even if I could, would it really have changed anything? No one will ever know. I have to continue waking up each day, living it to the fullest, and being who I want to be each day. It's baby steps, but it's getting me to where I need to be. Each day I wake up with a new focus, stronger desire, feeling new and refreshed.

365 Days for Love is about ME. Re-gaining my focus, for my future. For a new and better me. I am genuine. I am real. I am me. That is all that I can be.

Day 37: Gentleman

All I want now is to be a nice, clean gentleman. I've proved my point. Now I'm going to set an example for all the nice boys and girls. I'm through talking. - Muhammed Ali

A true gentleman, the epitome of what I want and strive to be. Sometimes I fail. Often in the past I've failed. I'm not perfect, and I know I cannot be perfect; but I do know I can be a gentleman, and be the best me that I can be. Being a gentleman is not just about being nice to someone you're interested in; but also being kind and considerate to all of those around you; even complete strangers. It's not always easy, and it's often easier to be the complete opposite, and temptingly so.

Last weekend I started talking to someone new, as a friend. I know her through a mutual friend, and we went to the same high-school. She's a very sweet girl, and I thought she'd be a nice person to talk to, and be friends with. This weekend we met. I had met her once before, several years ago; but she'd forgotten. We went out as friends, and we had a lot of fun. We met with the intention of hanging out as friends, and not a date. The night had other plans, and it turned into more of a casual date.

We were both very surprised with how comfortable we were talking to each other. It wasn't awkward at all. Prior to meeting, we hadn't even talked on the phone. We'd only been texting each other here and there, just having casual conversations.

It was nice to take someone out, and treat them like a gentleman should. I hope she had a good time.

Last night we hung out again, with some mutual friends of ours, and went and played pool for a couple hours. I was surprised when she asked if I wanted to go. Was very last minute. We had a good time. It's nice to get out, have fun, and enjoy life. I've been completely honest with her, about where I'm at right now, and she respects that.

Enjoy life, and live it, don't let it pass you by.

Day 36: Genuinity

“There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls.” - Howard Thurman


Be genuine. Be real. Be a man of you word, and your honor. Hold up your integrity, and your morals. Do not let anyone sway you. That is my desire.

I want to be 100% genuinely me, 100% of the time. I want to be 100% honest, 100% of the time. I want to hold up my integrity, and my beliefs. I want to be respected and admired. I want to be a gentleman. I do not want to be remembered for my faults, mistakes, my errors, or my regrets. I want to be remembered for being a gentleman, a good man, an honest man..

I am not an asshole, but I have had my times where I've done, said or behaved in an asshole-ish kind of way. That I am not proud of. Sometimes it makes me come off as a deuche bag, or an asshole; neither of which is who I am, or who I want to be. I don't ever want that to be questioned, EVER. Life is too short to be arrogant, ignorant, rude or angry.

Be genuine. Be real. Be a man of your word. Behave like a gentleman.

Day 35: Words

If you wish to know the mind of a man, listen to his words. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Words, they can mean so little, and mean so much. Don't let the words that leave your lips, be empty. Choose your words wisely.

Somethings are better left unsaid, and better shown in your actions. Empty statements are useless, and ignorant.

Do not allow your words to make you look ignorant. Do not over use statements, as you will look like a fool.

Speak as if you want to be heard, and use your mind to choose the specific words to day. Also remember, that it is important not only what words you say, but in how you say them. There is a time and place for everything. Do not use your words to control people. Do not use you words for evil. Do not be deceptive. Do not lie. Speak only the truth.

Remember your words are not stronger than your actions. You cannot use even the greatest words to recover from the slightest wrong action. It is true as the saying goes "actions speak louder than words." Actions will always overtake words.

Always choose the correct words, at the right moment. Only speak from the heart, with honesty. Remember that silence is often louder, and more appropriate than any word you can say. Sometimes it is best to say nothing at all, rather than waste your breath in uttering things that are meaningless. Do not speak just to speak.

English proverb : Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Such a true statement. Don't open your mouth and speak, unless it's necessary. Do not abuse the art of language, and good conversation.

Perfect the art of communication, and conversation.

Day 34: Defining Moments

When a defining moment comes along, you define the moment, or the moment defines you. - Kevin Costner

Have you ever had a defining moment?

I've had a few defining moments in my life. They are the moments that you will never forget, that you will cherish for the rest of your life. The moments, that you realize what's most important to you in this world. The moments your heart is on fire, and you feel alive.

Here are a some of my defining moments:

• When my grandfather (who had Alzheimer's) opened up a Christmas present from me, and looked up at me and said "Thank You, Josh"; and knew exactly who I was. He had his moments, where he would remember, and that was my moment with him.
• The first time I saw my niece, the day she was born in the hospital on January 5, 2010.
• The day I left for the Navy, when my dad hugged me, and said he was proud of me. Then while I was in boot camp, receiving only one letter from him, and tearing up instantly when I saw the envelope had his writing on it, and that he said he loved me in the letter....one of the few times he's ever said it.
• Driving around in Alabama with my grandfather. In his beat up pick up truck, through the Army base, with the windows down. Lee Green Wood's - God Bless the USA came on the radio, without skipping a beat we both belted it out singing it. I was probably 9 or 10.
• The day my sister graduated from High School in '96, was so proud of her. Remember giving her a bouquet of flowers that had plastic bumble bees in it. She loved the flowers.
• Riding in an ambulance for the first time, when I was about 13, after a bad car accident. One of the few times I felt like I was going to die.
• Standing at the top of the Eiffel Tower, when I was 14.
• Seeing the London Bridge in person when I was 14.
• New Years Eve 1999-2000, in Miami, Florida with high school marching band.
• Watching an episode of ER with my mom, that she told me was exactly like how my birth was. Came out with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, and I was blue. She had to be rushed in to surgery immediately afterwards due to complications. Was very surreal.
• The first time I had sex.
• Going to New York City, senior year 2003 with my mom, and seeing Ground Zero, Statue of Liberty, and Ellis Island all in one day. A lot to take in.
• My high school graduation day, graduating on time even after jumping through 3 different high schools and having to scramble.
• Going to Captain's Mast while in the Navy.
• Getting Discharged from the Navy, and having to call home and tell them I was coming home, and being discharged for 'hazing'.
• Getting fired from job.
• Getting arrested.
• The first time I broke some ones heart.
• Graduating from ITT Technical Institute, and realizing I wanted to go back to school and change careers already.
• Being with my grandfather at the hospice when he passed, and his funeral with the 16 gun salute Military procession. Watching my grandmother accept the flag from the soldier, very touching moment.
• Enrolling in HFCC to work towards a Nursing degree.
• Living alone for the first time.
• The 2 times I've fallen in love, that moment, when I've realized it, and knew it was real.
• Getting my heart broken.
• Being 25 years old, and finally going to see a Dr. about ADD.

Those are just some of my defining moments. The first three are the ones that are most important to me, and that I cherish the most. Some are just small moments, with little significance, but are incredible memories, while others are huge moments that are indescribable. 

Never let a defining moment pass, without snapping an image of it in your mind. You'll cherish it forever. Remember the moments that got you there, and that brought you to where you are today. These are the moments that will make you, and break you.

Know your Defining Moments, and use them to get to your future.

Day 33: Mind

Mind over Matter.

Everything in life comes down to Mind over Matter. Your mind, controls what you do, and what you don't do. You can control your own behavior.
It's all just a matter of self control, and focus. Mind over matter.

You can't blame your actions on anything or anyone else. You're responsible for your own actions, and only yours.

Take control of your mind, take control of your life.

I must focus my mind over matter. I need to stop blaming outside things, and those around me. Personal responsibility is important. If you truly respect and trust yourself, you'll hold yourself accountable.

In order to be a good mate, you need to be self responsible, accountable, and trust worthy.

Trust in yourself, and hold yourself accountable.

Day 32: Broken Road

Day 31: Apologies

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive. - Mignon McLaughlin

This is a lesson for life.

Apologies, they must not be taken lightly. This is serious business. When you apologize to someone, it must be sincere. To be sincere, you must mean it. You cannot just say sorry, because someone is mad, or the consequences of your actions. You must truly feel remorseful for whatever you did, or said; and truly intend to not repeat said action.

This is something, I have never been good at. I apologize often, and I do mean it when I apologize, and am sincere; but I often then repeat whatever said action was. That then cancels out the apology in my eyes, and makes it meaningless. At that point, it becomes too late to apologize. You can't repeat an apology. An apology is an all or nothing moment. You either mean it or you don't. If you mean it, you have to show it. Actions speak louder than words.

When you apologize, and then your re-nig on it, you're only making yourself look like a liar. I am not a liar. You make your apologies empty, meaningless words, that no one should accept. Make your apologies worthy of being accepted. Make them real. Make them sincere, from your heart to theirs.

Lesson for life....make apologies real, in your heart, in your actions, in your words.

Day 30: Family

Family, are the friends that God chose for you; that will always be there for you.

Sometimes I don't realize how important my family is to me, and how great my parents are to me.

I hadn't told my mom about my ADD Dr. visits I went to, until last night when I called her. I was embarrassed to tell her about it. She discussed it with me, and asked me why I went. I explained it to her, and she fully agreed and supported me. That's why I love my mom, she's always there for me when I need her most, and always supports my decisions.

My brother and I, we may not always see eye to eye about things; but he is always there for me when I need him. Same with my sister, she's quite a bit older than me, and knows a lot more about life than I do. She's great with advice, and while we don't always agree or get along, she's always there for me too. Dad's always been there for me as well, when he can be; especially now that he's on the road all the time for work. It's harder for him. He always asks my mom where I'm at when I don't stop by their house on the weekends. That's how I know he cares.

I really cherish my family, and I know that sometimes I take them for granted. I need to be more grateful, and appreciative of them. They know I"m always here for them as well. I'm excited for family time later this week, going bowling for my brothers birthday.

Taking life one day at a time. Today was a good day. I did cry again today, but I haven't been crying every day. I'm getting stronger. It's still very hard. Baby steps.

Day 29: Finances

“Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.” - Jim Rohn

Money, it's important, but it's not the most important thing in this world. It can get you a lot of things, and relieve some stress; but in the end it's all just things.

Today I finally sat down and worked out some of my money. I called Comcast, got my bill lowered, checked on cell phone to make sure I'm not on a contract, and checked my other bills. Things aren't great, but they could be much worse.

I need to gain more financial stability in my life, and be more responsible with my money. Being careless with my money is not good. Doing the right things with my money is all that matters. I know I'm not ever going to be rich, I just want to be successful, and at ease. Being financially stable will help my future, all around.

Came home and cooked dinner for myself, made a grilled chicken salad. It was really good. I really enjoy cooking, and it's a much smarter thing to do financially then eating out constantly. Eating dinner out occasionally is fine, but not every day.

Going to shop for a couch later this week. Very excited about that.

Don't over spend money, and be careful with it.
The root of all money, is evil. Don't be greedy.

Day 28: Sunday

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world—not even our troubles."
 - Charlie Chaplin

Had a very relaxing day today, and got a lot done around my apartment. It still seems kind of strange saying my apartment, as it was always our apartment.

Sunday's should be a day of relaxation, to help you regain your energy, and your focus for the new week. That is what today was. This is a new week, a week of focus. Focus on me.

It's time to focus on me, and living my life. I can't let life pass me by just because I'm single. Being single, doesn't mean I have to put my life on hold, and can't enjoy life. Let life live.

Sometimes you have to give up on the life you planned, and accept the life that you have. Accept the life that you have, and run with that; and make it the life that you want. Get through the low points, and roll with the punches. Adapt to change. Life doesn't always go the way you plan it to go, lives change, people change. With that change you must learn to adjust, and keep your happiness. Stay centered, stay focused, stay happy.

I watched Couples Retreat today, was pretty good. Love Vince Vaughn. Just reminded me that you have to fight for what you believe in, trust what your heart tells heart tells you, and that relationships take work.

Today is Valentines day, it was difficult not to dwell on the fact that I'm single. I asked her if she wanted to get dinner together, she declined. I guess it's for the best. I don't blame her, and I expected her to say no. Shouldn't have asked her. Really need to stop asking to see her.

New week, new focus. Do not ask her to hang out. Focus on me, and be happy.

Day 27: Balls

All I have in this world is my balls and my word, and I don't break them for no one. - Scarface

That quote means a lot to me, and I wish I had heard it when I was young. It's about integrity, and honesty. All you really have in this world is you, and your word. Don't damage your reputation. Don't break yourself, and don't break your word.

You only have one chance with people, to prove yourself to them, to be honest with them. It can all be changed in an instance, if you break your word with them. If you let them down, they're not going to hold you in the same esteem as they once did; or that you want them too.

You must give respect, and honesty, to earn respect and honesty from others. You cannot demand respect and honesty, if you don't first give it yourself.

Be honest with yourself, and be honest with others. Don't let yourself, or others down.

If you make your bed you lie in it, if you dig your grave you die in it.

Day 26: Money

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. - Unknown

Over the past several months I've learned some things about money. I'm not ever going to be rich, and I don't really ever want to be rich. I only want to be successful in what I do, and be able to live comfortably. Right now I'm living, and getting by but not comfortably. Once I become a Nurse that will change, but that is a long ways off at this point.

I've realized money is not the most important thing in this world. The most important things in this world are free. Money cannot buy you happiness, never has, never will. It can by you things to try to fill the void in your life, but it cannot buy you happiness.

In our relationship, I was often selfish when it came to money; and I'm sure I often used it as a way to control things. It wasn't right. She didn't have very much money, due to working part time and going to school full time. I didn't have very much money either, because my job doesn't pay much. We mostly lived on my money. She took care of her personal bills, I took care of mine and the rent. There were times where I could have helped her more, when I did sometimes have money available, and I never offered. I was selfish, and rude. She's helped me more times than I can count when I've needed a little extra money just to get through the week, or brought me groceries when my fridge was empty. She also paid for our whole Vegas trip last year, spent several thousands of dollars, we had a blast. It was a quick trip, and it's easty to forget how much money was spent.

She was going through one of the msot stressful times of her life, and I wasn't supportive of her. That's what she wanted most, was support. Instead we often ended up in fights about our finances and how tight money was. She wasn't trying to take my money from me, I wasn't trying to take her money from her. We were both just stressed out and very financially stressed. Last year was a very hard year financially for both of us.

Our rent always got paid, and we never starved. Our power never got shut off. Things got rough sometimes, but we always some how made it to the next payday.

Money is really not worth fighting over. You either have it or you don't; if you don't; there's no point in fighting about it. In a relationship you have to work together as a team, and support each other. Even when life gets stressful, and the going gets tough, you have to be strong and staycalm. Arguing about it just made the situation more stressful, tore us apart, and pitted us against each other.

I wish I had realized this sooner.

I'm trying to help and support her now as much as I can.
Luckily she's still my friend.

Money will come and money will go. Money is not everything.

Day 25: Compromise

Compromise, if not the spice of life, is its solidity. It is what makes nations great and marriages happy.

Love and relationships are not easy. They take work. They take fights, conflicts, disagreements, agreements, passion, love, fun, respect, trust and compromises. You have to pick your battles. Somethings are not worth fighting about, and most things really aren't.

Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff.

Over the past 6 months or so, I've learned a few things. One of those things, is that I've been very selfish and uncompromising about a lot of things in my life. It's arrogant and rude; and makes a relationship nearly impossible.

There are somethings in life you should never compromise on, but there are others that you can compromise on. In a relationship, you have to be able to talk things out. Sometimes you'll choose to agree to disagree. Sometimes it requires more effort. You have to meet in the middle, compromise, and find a common ground that you can agree on.

That's something I wasn't always willing to do before. I let my pride, and ignorance take control. My side is not of any more valued than her side, and vice versa. We both have the right to have our own views, and opinions, and goals. In order to make a relationship work though, we both need to be willing to discuss the conflicts, and find a resolution.

We went to dinner last night, and I explained that to her. We both really had a lot of fun. I told her the things that I was previously not willing to budge on, that I am willing to compromise on now. I was willing to compromise on them well before we broke up as well, but it just never came up, we hadn't discussed the issues in several months. She said had she known this before; that it may possibly have changed things. I doubt that it would have, and that's just something I have to live with now. It did really tear at my heart to hear her say that. I wish I would have told her long ago, and I should have.

Never wait to say something that needs to be said.
You never know how important it might be.
Always value, and respect others opinions.
Try to put yourself in their shoes.
Don't lose your values, but be willing to compromise.

Day 24: Over and Over

I don't really know what else to say today, other than listen to this song.

Day 23: Space

"She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes..." Dixie Chicks

Today it finally hit me dead in the face. I'm doing everything wrong if I ever want her in my life again.

I can't continue to smother her with love, begging, pleading, crying, or guilt tripping. It will never work that way. If she ever wants to be in my life again, it has to be her choice. That's the way it has to be. I can't change the way she feels, or make her do what I want her to do. Ultimately I only want her to do what she wants to do, and what makes her happy. I have to back off.

I have to let her know that I am here for her, but that I can live without her, and that I am fine.

I have to give her room to breathe, wide open space. To let her do what she wants to do. I can't continue to bombard her with questions, and feelings. It's only pushing her further and further away each day over and over again. That will never make her come back to me, or even want to be friends with me.

Giving her space, and also giving myself space to heal. Taking this time to focus on me, and my happiness, and bettering myself. It's been 23 days since I started this blog, and nearly 2 months since we broke up. I do feel like I'm headed in the right direction, but I'm still not where I want to be.  I want there to be a change in me, that she can see, and that anyone can see that truly knows me.

What she does every minute of her day does not concern me. I do not need to know everything, and I do not need to talk to her every day. I need to just be me, and to stop worrying and focusing so much on her; it's only distracting me from working and focusing on ME.

If there is something I need to know, or she wants to see me, or wants to talk to me; I'm sure she will let me know. She already knows how I feel about her, and that I miss her like hell. I don't need to tell her that every day. I don't need to pour my heart out to her anymore. She already knows everything, and I've told her time and time again. I don't need to ask her to hang out, I don't need to text her, I don't need to call her. The ball is in her court. I don't need to constantly bombard her, and shove everything in her face. It's only making her miserable too, and making her feel guilty. She has nothing to feel guilty for.

We all just need a little room to breathe.

I cannot be a stage 5 cling on.
Leave her be. Let her do what she wants to do.

Day 22: Death

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” - Gandhi

Life is too short. You never know when you will take your final breathe. Do not take a moment of your life for granted. Cherish and treasure the time you spend with the ones you love.

This morning, her grandfather passed away. I didn't know him very well, but I did know him, and he was a really awesome person, with tons of stories. He was a pilot, he was in the Navy. He was a father, a husband, a grandfather. An American hero. He'll surely be remembered and missed. I hope to be able to go to the funeral in the coming days.

I feel horrible for her, and her family. Especially her grandmother. My deep heartfelt condolences are with all of the family. They have a great family, and I'm sure they will carry each other through this. My thoughts and prayers go out to them.

Death always seems so unreal when it happens. It takes time to sink in. It's always shocking, no matter what the circumstances.

It just hits home, that life is short; and that I need to not take anyone in my life for granted. I need to make sure to go see my grandparents in Alabama this year. I need to make sure to go see my grandmother that lives an hour away more often. I need to go see my sister, brother-in-law and my niece more often. I need to go see my parents and brother more. I want to cherish the memories and time spent with them forever.

I haven't been to Alabama in several years, I really miss going down there. It's very relaxing and comfortable at my grandparents house. They're the only house that I've ever stayed in, where I've felt completely relaxed, as if I was at home. I don't even completely feel that way at my own parents house anymore, it's not my home.

Life is short. You get no second chances. You live once. You die once. How you live, and the impressions you leave on peoples lives; is completely up to you. How do you want to be remembered? Live as if you're going to die tomorrow. Laugh often, dance, smile, and enjoy life before it's over. Reach for your dreams, and your goals. Don't let your failures stop you, use them as encouragement to try harder. Life is too short to live it unhappy, and angry. Live much learn often, and love always. Never forget those who mean most to you.

I would not feel complete to die right now, and not rest well with how I would be remembered. While I am not a bad person, I am not a great person either. I want to be a great person. I want to be remembered as someone that people were happy to meet, and happy to have in their lives. Someone who motivated them to reach their own full potential.

That's how I remember both of my grandfathers. Luckily one of them is still alive, for me to spend more time with.

I hope to carry on their legacy, and make them proud. Hope for courage, try for honor.

Day 21: Just Breathe

"Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe."

Today was a good day. I finally got out of this apartment for most of the day, and wasn't at work.

Went and saw my parents, did my laundry and watched the Super Bowl out there. Peyton Manning sucks, and is highly over-rated. Congrats to the Saints.

Got to talk to her tonight, and hear her voice. :) I love it when she calls me. Really brightens my day. Getting out of the apartment today really helped a lot too. Sitting here alone doesn't help me. Just makes me sit here and think, and my thoughts always go back to her.

I passed her on the way home, at a stop light. She was with our doggie. We rolled down our windows and said hello. Our dog got excited seeing me too.

Haven't been able to stop listening to the songs Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick, and Over and Over by Three Days Grace.

I really need to just breathe. Breathe in, breathe out.

She's got a pretty busy week ahead with work, and she's probably going up north next weekend (snowmobiling). Really wish I could go, only got to go snowmobiling with her dad one time, and I had a blast. I probably won't see her at all this week, probably what is best for me, and for her. I need to give her the space she wants and deserves. I need to stop trying to smother her.

Have a big test on Thursday in my class that I'll be studying for the next few days. Really want to do well on it. Anatomy II is a fun and interesting course, but it is pretty tough material.

Tonight was the first time I'd really talked to her since Thursday when we went to the gym together. She asked me about this girl in my class, that I had mentioned when we hung out on Wednesday, if I got her number. I told her no. She mentioned that a friend of hers asked her to move to Florida, or North Carolina with her; and I know that inside she's kind of considering it. I don't blame her, and I wish her the best in that. If that's what she wants to do, then I'm happy for her. This world isn't that big, I'm sure I can always find her if it comes to that point.

The girl wasn't in class on Thursday, think she probably dropped the course. I wasn't disappointed at all that she wasn't there. She was in class with me 2 times, just had a random conversation together; and it wasn't anything. I know close to nothing about the girl. I had told her that I thought about asking the girl for her number, but only as a friend; because I am not looking for anything. I am single, but I am unavailable. I'm emotionally unavailable. I would like friend's though, and I thought that she might be someone I could be friends with.

I think I could be friends with a girl. As long as I'm open and honest with them; that although yes I am single, I am completely unavailable. I am not interested in anything beyond a friendship. Someone to talk to and grab a coffee with, maybe catch a movie, would be great. But I would not want to lead anyone on. I'm not looking for someone to date, or a relationship with anyone. I'm still in-love with her, and want to be with her. I just want to be single, and work on me.

I did good today. I didn't cry at all, and the day is almost over. I got close a couple times, but I didn't. I breathed. I didn't sit in this apartment all day, like I was tempted to. I was uncomfortable, but I left.

The end of this week, I'll finally get paid, and be able to pick up my medication. Am very anxious and nervous about taking it.

This week, I shall begin my focus.

Day 20: Sensitivity

My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive a person. - Mike Tyson

Today I really got my feelings hurt, all because I'm overly sensitive; and selfish. I won tickets yesterday to go to the Piston's game tonight. I was really excited when I won them, and I asked her if she wanted to go with me; as friends. We're friends, we should be able to go have a good time together.

Last night when I asked her, she said 'maybe'. My 2nd most hated word in the English dictionary.

This morning, while I was at work; she texted me and said "Hey I'm not going to the Piston's game tonight..." I was very bummed, and disappointed. Was really hoping she was going to go with me.

Then I tried to get ahold of other friends and see if they wanted to go to the game, but no one else could or wanted to. So I ended up not going to the game, what a waste of tickets. I feel bad that I even won them, someone else could have used them, and enjoyed the game. I even considered going alone, but figured that'd be miserable and lame.

I take it far too personally when she doesn't want to hang out with me, or see me. If I am going to be able to be friends with her, I need to learn that she doesn't have to hang out with me every time I ask her too. It is okay for her to say no; and I can't hold it against her. I can't let it hurt me. I can't get upset about it.

I'm not mad at her. I love her, and I do respect her. I miss her.

We've hung out once, in the last 2 or 3 weeks, and hit the gym together once. I didn't think asking her to hang out tonight would be crossing the line, but I guess it was. I need to learn to stop asking her to hang out, and to let her make the first move. When she wants to see me, that's when we'll hang out.

It is not her fault that I am sitting at home alone, bored 90% of my free time. It is not her fault that I don't have the friends that she has. It is not my fault that she doesn't want to hang out with me.

This week, I'm going to focus on my sensitivity, and neediness. I'm going to be less sensitive, and less needy. I'm not going to ask her to hang out. I'm not going to make the first move. I'm not going to let her get me upset. If she asks to hang out, great. If she doesn't, that's okay too.

I need to make it through a day without crying.

I cannot take everything so personally.
I cannot be so sensitive.

Day 19: Choices

"Living and dying with the choices I've made"

Life is all about choices and decisions.

You wake up each day, and you have to make a decision to be happy, or to be angry. Choose what clothes your going to wear. Choose whether you're going to go to work, or if you're going to stay home. Each choice you make, lays the route for your life. The better choices you make, the better your life will be.

You have to way out the pro's and con's with each choice, and decide what choice is worth it. Which choice is best for you.

Happiness is a choice, it is not a destination. Happiness is the journey of life. I must choose happiness. I must choose me. I must choose life.

I must find this happiness within me, without using anyone for a crutch. Using others will only fill a void temporarily. You were born alone, you die alone. Happiness rests ultimately on your own shoulders. You have to make the decisions in your life, you have to make the choice to be happy. I have to make that choice. Today.

My happiness is my responsibility, and only mine.

 Life is too short to be unhappy, and to dwell on the unchangeable.

I am choosing happiness.

Day 18: Heartbreak

Heartbroken. Empty. Alone. Hurting. Crying. Broken.

I'm so empty, and so alone. I love this girl with all of my heart, yet I feel like I barely know her anymore. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.

We barely talk, and occasionally see each other; and usually I'm the one who initiates any contact. Is she only in my life for me at this point? Does she want to be in my life anymore? 

I hate that she doesn't care about me the way I care about her. I hate that she's not in love with me, and wanting to be with me. It's very difficult to accept. It's heartbreaking.

I understand a lot of where she's coming from, but it doesn't remove the pain. The emptiness. The frustration. The heartbreak. 

She's young, and wants to be young, and to live that young lifestyle. To party, hang out with friends, meet other guys, have fun. It's all perfectly normal feelings, and I do understand them. I felt that same way when I was her age too. It's just very hard being in my position of it now. I'm trying to let her live her life now, and accept that I'm not who I want to be in her life anymore. I'm trying to be silent, and sit on the sidelines while she lives her life, and to not ask too many questions. 

It still drives my mind crazy with thoughts, and emotions. My jealousy envelopes me. I need to get my jealousy under control. I know she's going to meet other guys. I know there are better guys out there than me. But I have to be proud of who I am, and know what we had. If she comes back, I'll know it was real. She is not my girlfriend, and it is perfectly normal for her to see other people.

I am so stressed out beyond belief. This is the most stressed out I've probably ever been, and I'm having to go through it all alone. The time that I need her here most, she's gone. 

Financial stress, work stress, school stress, emotional stress, and I'm all alone. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't just call her when I want to call her. I hate that I can't just text her when I want to text her. I hate that she's not my best friend anymore. 

I'll always love her, no matter what. I know she's not trying to hurt me. She's not being malicious. She's been nothing but honest with me about her feelings, and what she's doing from the beginning. I just don't know how long I can be here for her, and not be with her.

Friends

30 Days to a Better Man Day 7: Reconnect with an Old Friend

Yesterday's challenge for Day 7 of 30 Days to a Better Man, was Reconnect with an Old Friend. I'm loosely going off of this one. I'm reconnecting with some friends that I already am friends with, that aren't as close as I'd like them to be.

I've always put my relationships before my friendships, and not made friendships a priority in my life. I need to make the friendships in my life a priority, and not let a relationship be an excuse to lose contact with them. Relationships are amazing, but they can't be my only focus when I'm in them. I must have other friends as well, whether I'm in a relationship, or single. She is not the reason that my friendships weren't a priority, and she always encouraged me to go see my friends; I just never did. I'm the one to blame.

Friendships are important to have in your life, with people of both sexes. Some are meant to be best friends, while others are meant to be casual friends. Either way, friendships are an important part of life. They're fun to spend time with, and great to talk to when you have a problem and need advice.

Once I get my tax refund next week, I should be able to see my friends more frequently. I've been really strapped financially lately, and haven't been able to afford to go out. So with my tax refund, and proper budgeting, I'll be able to go out and see them occassionally. I really look forward to hanging out with my friends more often, and building those frienships again.

I didn't think this one was necessary to reconnect with some long lost childhood friend. Didn't really think of any long lost childhood friends to reconnect with, other than the few that I'm currently friends with that I want in my life more.

By the end of the year, I want to have more close friendships.

Day 17: Priorities

"Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Esatblishyour priorities and go to work" - H. L. Hunt

I really need to determine what my priorities are. What is most important to me, what my goals are, and how I'm going to reach them. Then I need to put my plan in to action.

My priorities:

1. My family. Always being there for them when they need me. Being the son, and brother that I want to be.
2. Bettering myself, my personality, atitude, anger, character for the rest of my life. Always striving to be better.
3. Becoming a nurse, and reaching my goals in my career as  nurse.
4. Eventually getting married, and being the best husband, and father that I can be.
5. Always remembering what is most important to me, never sacrificing my priorities for anything or anyone.

If I remember those 5 key priorities in my life, it will help me in all areas of my life. It will give me more self confidence, better character, and will better me in my relationships, friendships, career, and life.

Hope for courage, try for honor.

Medication

30 Days to A Better Man: Day 6: Update Your Resume

Today in 30 Days to a Better Man, the challenge is to update your resume. Fortunately my resume is already up to date, and I just reviewed it.

Today I went to the ADD doctor for my follow up appointment. My blood test results came back good. My cholesterol is slightly high, and my blood pressure is slightly high. Need more exercise, and less stress the doctor suggested. He had an EKG done on me today, and the results of that were good.

He prescribed Vyvanse to me. I'll start taking it next week, once I get paid and can afford to get it filled.

We discussed my concerns about side effects of the drug. My biggest fear is that it will make me feel dependent on it, that I'll feel like I have to have it to be 'me'. He said that it will not give me a dependency feeling. The most common side effects are loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, and weight loss. In rare cases it will give psychotic side effects, and you'll notice that immediately in the first day.

The weight loss side effect, will cause me to lose 10-15% of my body weight, in the first 2 months he said. I may continue to lose more after that. This will really help me with my weight loss goals, working out, and getting in better shape.

The doctor said that I'll also have a whole new outlook on life, and that people will perceive me differently. He said it will really help me in work, school, and my relationships. It will give me the focus, and attention that I need to give in all areas of my life.

I am very anxious to see if it really lives up to it's hype, and if it will actually help as much as I hope it will. I know it won't be a miracle do all pill, and that it is going to help me some; but it will not fix everything. A lot of my problems, are mine, and can only be fixed by self control, and personal responsibility. It's time to man up.

Day 16: Confession

Why is the person we disappoint the most in life, always ourself?

This is a public confession, of something I did yesterday, that I am not proud of. Something that was very rude, and definitely crossed the line. It was border line crazy, and stalker like.

Yesterday morning, I hacked into her cell phone account online. I did it, because I know she texts that other guy, and jealousy over came me, and I went a bit crazy about it, and I had to see how much they were texting. I got nothing out of it, and it actually made me feel worse after doing it, because then I really could see clearly how often they text. Sometimes for hours on end, sometimes just a few texts back and forth. Not every day, like she said. She had already told me everything that I could see here.

Why did I have to go in, and violate her trust like that? Why did I allow my jealousy to overcome me and make such an impulsive decision?

I then told her friend what I had done, and told her I was going to tell her later in the day after she got out of work. I told her friend, that I was going to stop asking 'her' about him, as it is honestly none of my business, and it doesn't do many any good. Her friend got a hold of her before me, and told her what I did. I should have known that her friend would do that; any true friend would, and should. I don't blame her friend for telling her. I wish I would have gotten to tell her first though.

She trusted me with her passwords, and personal information. I abused that trust. I violated her privacy, for what? To find out, what she'd already told me. What a jerk. What she does, who she talks to, where she goes; is honestly none of my business anymore. We are not together; she is not my girlfriend, and she's not even my best friend anymore; so it is definitely not my business. An apology wouldn't even be suffice. What I did was wrong, and I knew it.

I haven't talked to her since yesterday. Today has been a pretty silent day to me. Silence is good. I need to learn to be silent, and to not do impulsive crazy/stalker like things.

Why do I always let myself down, and those around me; just when I think I'm doing so well and trying to focus on me? I'm a failure. Can people ever really change? I've tried it so many times, and failed at it; that I'm not sure if I really believe we can or not. I'm such a mess. I can clearly see why she's not my girlfriend, and why I lack close friendships.

I have a long, long road ahead of me.

Day 15: Gratitude

"Gratitude is the absolute way to bring more into your life" - unknown

30 Days to a Better Man: Day 5 Cultivate Your Gratitude

I've been slacking a little bit on the 30 Days to a Better Man challenge. Today is Monday, so I'm putting myself back on track today, and going to complete it. Today the challenge is to Cultivate Your Gratitude. Showing your gratitude and appreciate are very important in life, in many ways. Showing your appreciation to in your friendships, relationships, family, and career; will help a long ways.

Negativity, and not showing appreciation for others, is rude, ungrateful and arrogant. As a boss, you should show appreciation to your employees, it helps with work morale. No one wants their employees to hate their employer, and the work they do. As a friend, you should show appreciation, to your friends. As a son, brother, and uncle, I should show appreciation to all of my family, who's always been there for me; even when I wasn't worthy. You should show appreciation, and be thankful for all the things, and people in your life.

I know I'm often ungrateful, and I take people and things for granted. Someone does something really nice out of no where for me, and I can barely say thank you. Sometimes it's because I'm nervous, and embarrassed, but it's still rude. I need to always make sure, that I show people how much I appreciate what they've done for me, even in the little things. I am very grateful for the people that have been in my life, and that are still in my life. I appreciate the things they do for me, and that they care about me. I need to make sure that I always be sure that they know this, with my actions, and behaviors towards them. They need to know that I always appreciate them.

Here's ten things I'm grateful for:

1. My Parents. They've both always been there for me, no matter what, even when I definitely deserved a good swift kick to the head and tough love, they always showed me unconditional love.
2. Her, while we are not together anymore, I am very grateful that she came in to my life, and that she still talks to me. She is an amazing person, and she means the world to me. She is my best friend, and she always knows just what to say or do to make me smile. I know she cares about me more than I know. Even when I've been a jerk, or done something completely ridiculous, she's still been there for me. She has an ability to let things go, that I admire. Her smile rivets me.
3. Her family. They've always been very, very nice to me; even when I've been rude, or embarrassing.
4. My brother. While him and I haven't always got a long, or seen eye to eye; he's always been there for me when I needed him.
5. My sister. While we're not as close as we were when we were kids; she's always been there for me when I needed her, and gives great advice about things. She's always shown me unconditional love too.
6. Our dog, that I have with her. She's adorable, and ton of fun to spend time with. She's always full of energy, and always brings a smile to my face.
7. My job. While I hate my job, because of the low pay, and the system of how my job works. I am still thankful that I have a job. Michigan's economy sucks, and the unemployment rate is sky high, but I still have a job.
8. My apartment. While it is small, and quaint, and sometimes my cable is shut off, and I get bored sitting in it; I am thankful that I have it. It is a decent apartment, with good neighbors, and it suits it purpose.
9. My friend N, that lives near me, that hangs out with me sometimes. He's a good guy, have known him my whole life, and we always have a lot of fun when we hang out; even if it's months between, it's like we've never stopped talking.
10. My friend J, while we don't see each other often, because our lives are busy; he's a great guy, and we always have a lot of fun when we get together.

From now on, I'm going to make sure people know I appreciate them, and that I am grateful for all that they do for me. Even just having them as part of my life is something for me to be thankful for.

Be more positive, and always be sure to show my appreciation.