Day 14: Friend

"....oh but baby most of all, I miss my friend"

I miss my friend. I miss my best friend. With everything inside of me.

You don't often, if ever get a second chances in life, and I lost my best friend, and girlfriend once again. It hurts. The pain is unexplainable. The emptiness, the tears. Every sad song is my song. She is one amazing girl, and I'm thankful for the time that she was in my life, and that she still talks to me some today.

You never know what you've got till it's gone. Such a true statement.

I hope one day she can come back in my life, and give me a second chance. I know if we both went into it wanting it, that things would be a world of different. I know I can make her happy, and give her what she wants. I want to be her knight in shining armor, her prince charming. I want to be her Johnny, to her June.

I'll never forget the moment when I knew she loved me, and the moment I knew I wanted to marry her. I never asked her to, I often wonder what she would have said now. Would she have considered it? Or would it have brought about the breakup earlier?

She's an amazing girl. Beautiful, intelligent, educated, honest, passionate, and real. I'll always admire her. While I am hurt, and heartbroken; I cannot be angry at her. She's done nothing wrong. She's only doing what she believes she needs to do. I wish her the best in all she does, and I'll always be here for her if she ever needs anything.

I love you, with all of my heart and soul. I'm thankful that you came in to my life, and have tattooed my heart. I'll never forget the memories we have together. I'll never forget you. I hope you never forget me. I hope you realize how serious my emotions, and feelings are for you. It is my wish, that you know that I am a good person, and a great guy. I am not perfect, and I do not claim to be. What I do know, is that I know I can make you happy, and give you the world, if you let me.

She'll always be my Konstantine.

Come Back to Me

This song explains so much to me, and really helps me understand how I'm feeling, and how she is feeling. I understand she needs to go find her self, and do what she wants to do. In the end I want her to come back to me, no matter what, and I'll welcome her with wide open arms.

Day 13: Responsibility

"When you blame others, you give up your power to change."  -Author Unknown

Responsibility. Accountability. Taking ownership, fault, pride, in your own actions and behaviors.

I am responsible for myself, and for my actions. Everything that I do, I have no one to blame but myself. There are no excuses. It is all about personal responsibility. My anger, behavior, happiness, career, life, future, finances, insecurities, lack of friends, achievements, failures, and regrets; they are all my responsibility. The good, the bad, and the in-between. There is no one else to blame, but me.

Blaming others is immature, childish, and irresponsible. It's denial. Pushing things off on others, trying to make others feel the guilt and shame. The guilt and shame is only mine. Failing to accept personal responsibility, results in negativity built up within me. The built up negativity then comes out in my behavior, actions, and anger. If I just accepted responsibility and dealt with it, it would reduce the stress, and negativity. Personal responsibility, can lead to being a much more happy, positive, and productive person.

Trying to take responsibility for others actions, is immature, arrogant and rude. Accept responsibility for your own actions, and not others. Let others do what they want, and do not question them, or judge them. Be yourself, and let others be themselves.

If I want to be happy, it is up to me to be happy. I cannot rest that on anyone else's shoulders. They have enough of their own responsibilities to take care of, and should not have to worry about me. I am responsible for me, and my future.

I can't continue to think that everything is going to work it self out, and that life is just magically going to happen. Life is not a fairy tale. I am responsible for me, and for achieving what I want. Life goes exactly where I tell it to go, based off of my choices, actions and behaviors.

What I do, and what I don't do, is completely up to me. It is not the responsibility of others to pick me up when I fall. It is my responsibility to get back up, and keep on running. Life is like a marathon, you're the only one that can get you through it. You just have to do it. It is not about not loving anyone, or wanting to be alone; but about maturing, and growing up. Learning to be, just me.

A relationship isn't about depending on someone else. Relationships are not for having someone to blame, and it's not excusable to blame them for anything. Love is about sharing your life with someone, letting them inside of your life, and letting yourself inside of theirs. Sharing your life, does not mean you should give up your own life, or make them give up their life. Relationships should not require you to be dependent, or to lose your independence.

I am responsible for me.
I am held accountable for me.

Day 12: Breathe

"I'm going back to the corner, where I first saw you, gonna camp in my sleeping bag, not gonna move......"

Today is Friday. I did a whole lot of nothing, and my mind is really begining to play games with me.

Sitting home alone is not easy for me. I really wish I had friends. Asked a couple people to hang out, but they were busy. Figures.

I called and talked to her for a few minutes, just to tell her that I hope she has a good weekend. The sound of her voice is amazing. It made my voice crack, and I began to cry.

Is it weird that I sleep with a picture of her, on the pillow next to me in bed?
I find it comforting.

I really miss her, more than I ever knew was possible. Words can't explain this pain and emptiness that I feel, or my love for her. She's amazing. It was by chance that we met, and I would go back and meet her again in a heartbeat. I wish she would give us another chance, let us start fresh, from the begining, let us do things right. I love her more than anything. She's my everything.

I hope that one day she comes back, and lets us start from the beginning. We'll do things right, and it'll be nothing short of amazing.

I feel like I'm nothing without her.

I wonder if she remembers the night that I sang "My Kind of Rain" for her at kareoke. I meant every word. I'll never forget that night. Or the night I fell in love with her.

Day 11: Happiness

"And I drive to the edge of my considerate plain And I apologize to the people I hurt on the way But I, I wipe the slate clean I kick the daydream...."

I must find an independent happiness, deep within me. I must learn to be happy, regardless of whether I have someone to share it with or not. I need to learn, that happiness does not require anyone else, but it welcomes it. I cannot offer my whole self to someone, and give everything to someone, until I can be happy with myself, and love myself. You cannot love another, until you can love yourself. I have to love me. I have to be happy.

Happiness is life. Happiness is not a destination, it's a journey.

If I can learn to be independently happy, then it will help me much more, when I'm in a relationship. I need this independence. I need this freedom. Happiness needs to remain, regardless of the stresses and pitfalls of life. Road bumps happen, sometimes things go perfect, sometimes they go horribly wrong, but I must maintain peace and happiness.

It's not about ignoring what goes wrong, but more of accepting them, and learning that it's all part of life. The bad helps you enjoy the good. The good helps you dream of greatness. It's all achievable. It starts with putting a smile on your face, and thinking positively.

Yes, I lost my girlfriend, and my bestfriend; but it is not the end of the world. It is just a lesson of life, and a challenge that I must face on my own. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. As hard as it is too look forward, and to get over this, I must do it. I cannot sit here and wallow in self pity, cry, and whine. It isn't getting me anywhere, and is only deterring me from progressing and bettering myself. I cannot let my heartbreak distract me.

While I still love her, and I am holding on to hope, that in the end she will return; I must focus on me. Keep a clear, and strong focus on me, and what I want to be, and how I'm going to get there.

Positivity, and happiness, will help me achieve my goals, and get me what I want most in life. Sadness and self pity, is only going to hinder my chances of reaching out for success. Life will pass me by before I know it, if I don't focus.

I'm working on happy. I'm working on me.

Day 10: Attraction

"I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while......"

The laws of attraction are simple. Even a child can understand them. Positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative. While we all know this is true, why is it so hard for us to actually do?

Her and I, while we were together went through phases of both positivity and negativity. A roller coaster of emotions. When we first met, I was positive, and she was positive, which encouraged more positivity. We fed off of each others energy.

Then at some points we got stressed out with life, our relationships, our jobs, our finances, and things got negative. We both fed off of each others negativity, which led to a lot of anger and resentment. We became selfish, and began putting ourselves before the relationship. Our friendship suffered, our relationship suffered. We should have been a team, and supporting each other through our hard days, but instead we made them worse for each other. We both couldn't stop thinking about our own problems, or even begin to try to imagine how the other person was feeling. We were selfish, and unkind.

Our positivity is a big part of what brought us together, and bonded us in the begining. We both were happy, and excited for life. We both had plans for our life, and things were going well in our lives. We were excited to have someone to share it with, and we fell in love with each other. At the begining, we both had a lot more money, and we're able to go and do a lot more things. Then money got tight, and our lives got busier, with work, school, families, and life.

Fights happened. We both lost our heads sometimes. Talking our problems out was not our strong point, and something we both need to work at. In a relationship you need to be able to tell each other how you're feeling, without fear of a fight. Problems and feelings should be able to be discussed, openly and honestly.

We both didn't treat each other how we should have, and we are both to blame. She'd say something mean, I'd say something mean back. She'd ask for something in a rude way, I'd give her a rude excuse. She'd ask for a massage, I'd tell her no.

We let the stress of our lives get to us, and brought it in to our relationships. We were both going through a very stressful point in our lives, and we should have helped each other get through it as a team. We should have supported each other. Instead we fought each other, and made it even harder.

I know that if we were given another chance, if she will give us one, that we could make things work. I know that what we had was real, and amazing. I know that this love is tangible. We both need to work on ourselves, and learn how to support each other in a relationship. We need to learn to be a team, and to lose our selfish atitudes. Counseling could have helped, but she refused.

I'm not blaming her for us not being together. I know I am just as much to blame, if not more. I know my anger is the biggest source of the problem. She fed off of my anger, which then made her angry. If my anger hadn't been there, I'm sure her anger wouldn't have been there. If I had always put her first, I'm sure she would have put me first. We both need to mature, and grow up. Stress, and life happen, and we both must learn to get through them, together, as a team, and not bring others down with us. We must learn to support each other completely. We must learn to trust each other completely with our hearts, and know that they want what is best for us as well.

Love, is taking care of each other, supporting each other, and being a team.

Day 9: Goodbye

There's nothing good about goodbye.

 Last night, I finally decided that I cannot see her anymore. It is unhealthy, for her, and for me. It is not fair to either of us. We both want to see each other for different reasons, and it's not right.

At this point I cannot be her friend. I care about her, and I love her, with everything inside of me. This is not me giving up. This is me being strong. This is me doing what I feel is best. This is me loving her, and doing what's best for her, and for me. This is what's best for us as well, as I know I've just been pushing her further and further away by always pressuring her about us. I have to let her go, before she's forced to go.

She'll never know if she misses me, if I don't ever give her the chance to actually have to miss me. Will she think of me when I'm not there? Will she wish that I was around? I told her I can talk and text with her, but that I cannot see her. It's not fair to me, or fair to her. I keep bringing her down, and she keeps bringing me down. We're both hurting each other.

I don't want to hurt her anymore, and I don't want her to hurt me anymore. I'm sick of fighting with her, and getting upset about stupid meaningless things. I'm tired of being too sensitive, and crying every day when I hear her voice. I'm tired of hoping, and waiting to see her each day. It's not healthy. I'm tired of getting excited every time my phone vibrates, hoping it's a text or call from  her.

I had to say goodbye. It was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I know it's going to get harder as time goes. I do miss her, and I do want to see her, but I can't. I have to live with that. It is what it is. Sometimes the hardest decision, is the best decision. If a decision is easy, you're probably doing it wrong. Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled. Sometimes you have to be alone, to learn how to live.

I had lost a little bit of focus lately, focusing too much on her still, and not on me. I am serious about wanting to focus on me, and bettering myself, both for her and for me. I must focus on that now. Better me. For me. For her. For love. I have to learn to be happy on my own, I have to learn to be me alone. I have to learn to love myself, for who I am. I can't give myself to her, or anyone until I can do that.

I hope that one day, I can see her again, and she can see the new me, the better me. A true gentleman, that's happy, that has things together, and is going places. That's who I want to be.

Her beauty is raw, and wild, I will always love her. There's nothing that can change that.

Goodbye was not easy, but it was what was best for her, and for me. I love you, and I hope to see you again.  I'll be missing you.

If you love someone, set them free.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

I know we are not together, and that she does not want to be with me right now. But we both know we still love each other and care about each other. We've made a pact to be completely honest with each other. If something happens the other should know about, we tell them. Even if we know it's going to hurt them, they still need to know.

Last night, she told me she kissed a guy at her graduation party on Saturday night. Yes I'm still talking about the graduation party.

It really drove the stake in to my heart, especially that she told me in a text message. I suspected it all along, and I knew something had happened, but I was waiting for her to tell me. I'm glad she was honest with me and told me. When I dropped off our dog in the morning on Sunday, she was sitting in her garage at a table with the guy that she had kissed. I walked in there, and saw her sitting there with him and some other people at the table. I hadn't ever met this guy before. I knew it wasn't good news.

It was just a "I'm drunk, my friends dared us to" kiss. A peck. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

I'm not mad at her. She can do what she wants, and if she wants to kiss other people, make out with other people, date other people, then so be it. But I can't say it won't hurt, and that I won't cry. It hurts like hell.

She texted me at work yesterday and told me this just before I left. I literally wanted to puke when I read it. I thought I was going to. Luckily I didn't. I don't know why I care so much, why I let these things bother me, and it's really dumb, but I do.

It didn't help either, knowing that the kiss, was with her friend that has a crush on her. After the kiss, she said he was trying to be clingy, trying to hold her hand and things. Like it was more than just a kiss to him, because it was, because he has feelings for her. It makes me sick to imagine where this could be going. 2 weeks ago he got her number. They've been texting pretty regularly back and forth. Disgusts me to think that while we've been having conversations, that she's sitting there texting him in the middle of it too. Ouch.

She also said that it makes her happy, and feels good to talk to someone new. It's an ego booster. It sucks. Kinda makes me want to go talk to someone too, but that wouldn't be right, and it'd be for the wrong reasons. I don't want to talk to someone out of vengeance, hurt, or anger. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I want to talk to her.

Was I never good enough?

She then tried to compare her kissing someone at her party, to me talking to my ex girlfriend briefly in a text message on Sunday. I was talking to my ex to ask her what she thought about my anger. Trying to get more information, for me, to better myself. More input, from someone that knew me pretty well, that has seen my anger. I felt guilty for even talking to her when I was talking to her, and then her comparing it to a kiss, made me feel even worse.

The night of her party, she also made out with 2 of her girlfriends. One of them, she said she really enjoyed making out with. Which she found unusual, because she doesn't normally like making out with anyone. Never has. We rarely made out. Why not?

No matter how much you prepare yourself for something, and tell yourself it's going to be okay, when it actually happens it still hurts like hell. I knew a kiss was going to happen eventually, just didn't expect it to be at her graduation party, or for it to be a drunken kiss. I guess it's better that it was, at least it wasn't a romantic date kiss.

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

When a heart breaks it don't breakeven. I got time, while she got freedom.

Day 8: Desolated

I feel so empty. Alone. Forgotten. Unneeded. Unwanted.

Had a rough weekend. Luckily part of it was kept busy by working. Sat at home bored, alone and empty all weekend. Luckily Friday and Saturday nights I had our dog to keep me company. Spent most of my week, in bed, curled up, crying, or at work, trying to not think about it. Wish I had friends to go out with, wish I had money to even be able to afford to go out.

Her graduation party was Saturday night, I stopped in quickly just to pick up our dog for the night, and drop a card off. Wish I could have stayed. Wished I would have gotten to help her prepare for the party more. Wish I could have helped her financially with the party supplies. Wish she had wanted me to be there with her, for her. She said she wanted me there, but I'm pretty sure it was only so I felt welcomed. She knew I'd have been really crushed if I wasn't invited. I came back at 6am to drop our dog off, and the party was still going. She was still awake. I wonder if during that 12 hours of party, did she think about me, and wish I was there? 12 hours. Did I even cross her mind? Wish I was there to celebrate with her, and throw a drink back with her? When she looks at the pictures of the night, will she wish I was in some of them? Sadly, I'm sure I know the answer to all of those questions.

I miss being the person that she wanted to hang out with, the boyfriend, the bestfriend. Being the one that she wanted next to her in those important moments of life. I want her in those moments of my life. I miss having someone to spend time with, someone that I love, and someone that I can't get my mind off of. Someone that makes me smile without even trying. Someone who knows me, and still loves me. I miss having a friend, someone I could talk to about anything. That's why I had to make this blog. I miss being loved. I miss feeling needed in someones life. I miss having her to eat dinner with, at home, on a tuesday night. I miss getting to see her when I got home from work, and be able to get a hug anytime I wanted or needed one.

I miss her like hell.

I told her I missed her. All she could say was "I know". I said I needed a hug. She said "I'm sorry".

I wish she knew, really knew, how much I care about her and love her. I know without a doubt, with everything inside of me, that I love her. I want to be with her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  I want to marry this girl. When I think of my future, and I look to my right, she's the one that's there. That's why I'm here.

I wish she cared. I wish she hadn't just given up.

It's really hard to continue trying to put any effort in with her, when I get little to nothing in return.

I am sick of crying every single day, and it just happening at any given moment. I look at something. I hear something. I smell something. I think of something, and then the tears just suffocate me and take control.

I'm not a strong person, but I know this is where I have to be right now. Love is life. In life you don't give up, or quit. Quitting equals failure. Failure equals death. Death is not an option.

Unwanted.

Day 7: Stage 5 Clinger

I habitually text her too much. I bug her too much.

I need to stop texting her so often. She is my best friend, and we do text each other a lot, and have a lot of conversations in text. But, I do not need to talk to her constantly throughout the day. I don't need to be a stage 5 clinger. It's pathetic. Every time I get bored, I don't have to text her, and I shouldn't. It's annoying. Texting isn't bad, but overly bugging someone with it is rude

Resist from telling her every dumb thought and emotion that I go through. She does not need to be bothered. If I have something I must say to her, save it. Tell her later, in real conversation or wait until she texts me. If she wants to talk to me, she'll call or text me. If she doesn't, than it's probably best to leave her be. Let her enjoy her day, let her live her life. Give her space.

If she does call me, wants to talk, or texts me, don't assume that it's the opportunity and time to ask her to hang out. We all know what happens when we 'assume', we make an 'ass out of you and me'. We don't have to see each other every day, and we shouldn't, especially under the current circumstances.  Let her do what she wants to do, without making her feel guilty. Respect her, give her space. Let her be.

If she wants to hang out with me, great. If she doesn't, that's okay too. If she wants to hang out, I'm sure she'll let me know. I don't have to ask her every single day. If she doesn't ask to hang out, then she obviously doesn't want to. Her not wanting to hang out, does not excuse me to be a asshole, or give her grief about it either. We are just friends. I cannot expect her to want to hang out with me. I must understand and accept that she doesn't always want to hang out with me. I cannot let myself take that personally. I must let her do what she wants to do.

Day 6: Awkward

Last night, I tried to go to her graduation party. She wanted me to go earlier on in the party, when it was more of her family there, and not so much of a party-party. Wanted me to come early so I could take our dog home with me for the night to keep her out of the way.

I stopped in about 45 minutes after the party started. She looked amazing, was really excited to see her. I know she worked so hard to graduate. I am so proud of her. I was there for literally about 10 minutes. Was very uncomfortable, awkward. Didn't know who to hang out with, or who to talk to, other than her cousin who was excited to see me. Hung out and talked to him for a few minutes and said hi to a few of her friends that were there.

Overheard her talking about looking for a job, and looking out of state. That really drove a stake in to me. Her and I when we were together, had discussed moving out of state together for her to find a job. Will really hate to see her leave, but if that's what she has to do for her, that's what she has to do.

Got uncomfortable really quickly, gave her my card, and took our dog and went home for the night. Was a long night for me. Cried the whole way home, and then cried myself to sleep.

Woke up in the morning to go to work, dropped our dog back off at her house. They were still up partying. Must have been some party, to still be up after 6am. Really wish I could have been there.

That's the part of the party that I wanted to be there for, the real party, at night, with her friends. I understand why she didn't want me there during that part, and that it could have possibly led to issues, and that I had to be up for work early anyways. I really wish I could have been there, I really wanted to be there. After I got home, I thought about going back, but I didn't want to leave our dog home alone. It would have been uncomfortable too, but I don't think it would have been as bad as it was earlier.

I love her so much, and I want to be a part of her life. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot her life right now, and wanted to make sure I didn't miss the chance to be there. I'm glad I stopped in to say hi for a little bit, felt bad I felt uncomfortable and ditched so quickly. I hope she had a great party.

Day 5: Alcohol

Let me start this off, by making it clear that I am not an alcoholic.

Last night I did something very dumb after class. I stopped at the liquor store and bought a Fifth of Captain Morgan, and a 2-Liter of Coke. Went home, turned on Grey's Anatomy and began to drink. I drank nearly the whole fifth within an hour. Wasn't wasted, but was definitely really buzzed, and drunk.

I then proceeded to text her, and tell her I was drunk. Very dumb. Not cool.

I am not an alcoholic, and that was the first time I'd ever really sat at home, and drank alone. Other than a beer or two.

Drinking liquor alone, is what alcoholics do. I am not an alcoholic. I have alcoholics in my family, and I know I must be careful with myself, or I too could become an alcoholic. I rarely get drunk, and rarely drink more than a 6 pack of beer. I do like drinking beer, and having a few, but I do not like getting wasted, and out of control. I'm usually out of control enough.

Alcohol is not going to help me focus on me, and become a better person. I must put the bottle down for a while, and focus on me. I want to change, and be a better me, with everything inside of me. Alcohol worsens my anger and agitation. It increases my ADHD. It causes me to be stupid sometimes.

I must focus on me, and remove alcohol from my life for now. Once I have control and can clearly focus, then  I can drink in moderation, and with care.

Should I Go?

This Saturday is her college graduation party. She has invited me, but made it clear that she only wants me there as a friend, and that I am not welcome to come if I am going to cause any problems.

Part of me really, really wants to go. For many reasons. She's my best friend.  I feel like if I don't go, I'm missing an important day in her life, that I'd like to be part of, and I want to celebrate this special day with her. I also wish I could be there as her boyfriend, which is not an option, and is an inappropriate reason to want to be there. I wish I could go, and celebrate with her, see her family, be comfortable, and then party with her family and friends. That's really not likely though. Also I'd like to go for her, because I feel that if I don't go, she's going to feel horrible that I didn't come, because she knows that I want to.

The complications. It's been more than a month now since she left me. Her family knows we are not together, her friends know we are not together. If I go, I feel like, I'd look desperate, and like a fool being there. They know she doesn't want to be with me, I know she doesn't want to be with me. So why would I be there? I'd feel awkward around her friends and her family. Her friends are great, and I know they would be nice to me, and socialize with me, but still it'd be uncomfortable. But sometimes life is uncomfortable, and you have to put your big boy pants on, and tough it out.

Now the flip side. Why I shouldn't go, she's concerned I could end up being a problem. I don't want to make her worry whatsoever. It'd be selfish, and rude for me to go. I want this to be her special day, and I want her to have a GREAT time. I want her to be able to celebrate, and have a blast, with no drama. I want it to be a great memory for her, her special day. Maybe I shouldn't be a part of that memory. I don't want her to worry about me not being there either though. I want her to just have a great time. I know that I have anger problems, and I have had many outbursts, where I've completely lost control.

I go into a rage. It's never gotten physical, it's completely verbal. I have a loud voice to begin with, and it just goes up to max volume. I'm an embarrassment, to myself, and all of those around me when this happens. The chance of that happening at her party? I don't know how likely it is to happen. I've promised her, and myself many times that I won't scream again, I won't lose control; and every time I relapse into rage, completely forgetting that I just promised both of us. It's inexcusable, and it CANNOT happen again, ever, with anyone, under any circumstance. I am working on that, but I don't want to have a relapse, especially at something so special, and so important to her. With all of her family, and all of her friends to witness it.

I know if it happens again, she will be out of my life.

I love her, and I am done ruining her life, and making her miserable. I want her to be happy. I want her to be the girl that she was when I met her.

Should I go? Or should I just stay home? Should I just stop in, to say congratulations and then go? Or should I just not go at all, and let her have her day to her self? What is best for her, not me?

Day 4: ADHD

Today, I went to the ADHD Clinic for the first time. The Dr. had me complete an evaluation questionnaire, that I scored very high on. Based on the evaluation it's pretty clear to the Dr. that I do suffer from ADHD. I have to have a blood test done, and an EKG, then we will discuss medication options. He's recommending Vyvanse, or Adderall XR.

25 and being treated for ADHD for the first time. It's something I've known I've had, since I was probably 12. When I started going to public schools, and met other kids with it. In the private schools I attended, teachers weren't taught to look for signs of it. I believe it was due to it being a Christian school. They probably thought I was just out of control, and lacked parenting; neither of which are true. ADHD is due to a chemical in-balance. I should have looked in to treatment long ago.

I tried to ignore it for a long time. I thought I could over come it with mind-power, and will power. I don't think anyone that truly has ADHD can overcome it with will power. It just doesn't work like that. It's a lot more serious than it seems.

While I can't blame ADHD on every problem in my life, or anything really. I can say that it's been a factor of my life. I've made many bad decisions in my life, and ADHD was an influence on them. I often make impulsive decisions, not looking at the big picture. Momentary lapses of judgement. Choices that I chose to make, and ADHD was the little devil on my shoulder the whole ride. ADHD just assisted me, it was me who lived the life, and made the critical mistakes time and time again.

I wish I would have realized how serious of a problem ADHD was many years ago. I believe I could have made better decisions if I'd taken care of it long ago. Maybe I would have graduated from Eastern, maybe I'd still be in the Navy? Maybe I'd have more motivation, and more focus. Maybe I wouldn't have done anything differently, but would have had better focus when I made all those dumb decisions.

Find a Mentor

30 Days to a Better Man Day 3: Find a Mentor

Day 3 challenges you to find a mentor. Someone you admire, that you aspire to be like, that you'd like to have as a role model in your life. It asked you to think of 3 people, and ask them. I thought of three, the first one being my brother-in-law, the second my best male friend Josh, and the third being her uncle, or her father.

I asked the person who I thought would be most willing to be my mentor, who would be available, and who would be comfortable with it. Her uncle, and father, would be awckward situations. My best male friend would have been a good option as well, but he works a lot, and has a family, so obligations and time could get in the way. I asked him, to be a closer friend, instead of hanging out once every couple months or so, when we think up something big to do, to hang out at least once a month. He agreed that we should hang out more.

For my mentor, I asked my brother-in-law. He gladly accepted, and wants to get together at least once a month and hang out and get to know each other better.

He's a great guy, that I really admire. He's much more calm than I am. He's not as edgy as I am. His finances are better aligned, as he's a financial advisor. He has a great relationship with my sister, is a great husband to her, and a great father to my recently born niece. He's in a lot better shape than I am. He knows how to run. He knows how to communicate properly without screaming, and getting angry. He's positive, and motivated.

I think I can learn a lot from him, and I would like to be more like him. Some of his views are more conservative than mine, and we have some differing opionions I'm sure; but I'm sure that I can still learn from him, and he can be a great mentor for me. I think this will also be a great opportunity for me to get to know him better, and to be closer to him, my sister, and my niece.

We're getting together next week for dinner. I'm looking forward to it.

Anger

I have one major problem. My anger. It envelopes me. I have to attack the source of my anger.

It is deep down within me. It is not the situations that I get in to, or what other people do that makes me angry. It is my own self. I let myself get angry. It is often fueled by my emotions, and jealousy. I'm too sensitive. I let myself get angry. Anger is just an unacceptable excuse to be rude, and take things out on people, when I'm really just trying to make myself feel better. Making myself feel better, by making you feel like dirt. Real mature, real nice. I often blame my ADD, for my anger, and I'm sure it is part of the source of my anger as well, but it is not an excuse. I cannot continue to look for something to blame. I am the source of my problems.

I'm not happy with who I am. I'm not happy with my career. I'm not happy with my life. I take this out on other people, and blame them for it, by masking myself with anger. You looked at me the wrong way, you don't agree with me, you don't want the same things I want, you don't want to hang out with me (why would you, I'm an agry asshole?), so I'm angry at you. This means I get to scream at you, and treat you like dirt. I'm broke, I'm under a lot of stress, I hate my job, I hate that I'm on a wait list for Nursing school, and so I take it out on you.

I must learn to accept myself, and to be happy with where I'm at in life right now. I can't take it out on others, that I'm unhappy, and I shouldn't be unhappy. My life is not where I ultimately want to be, but I am working on getting there, and I have a plan. I just need to be patient. Things will work themself out. Once I'm in the Nursing program, things will go much better, and then once I'm actually a Nurse it'll get even better.

Let's now get to specifics, about what sets my anger off.

• When people are critical of me. I get my feelings hurt. I take it out as anger.
• When someone doesn't do what I want, I get selfish, and then my anger comes out.
• When you don't want to hang out with me, I get jealous of what you're doing, which is very selfish, and obsessive, and then I get angry.
• When I feel that my feelings are being betrayed. I'm being overly sensitive most of the time, and then I get angry.
• When someone breaks plans with me. I get selfish, and expect too much out of people. I get angry and take it out on them.
• When someone lies to me, or hides something from me. My trust is broken, and I get angry.

Most of these reasons are NOT rational reasons to get angry at all. 99% of the time, I'm over reacting, being irrational and too sensitive. Jealousy and feelings are two things that often fuel my rage, and if I can stop being so sensitive ALL the time, it would really help resolve this irrational rage that I go into.

These are all just excuses for my anger. Unacceptable excuses. Anger is not acceptable. Jealousy is not acceptable. If I dont' get my anger, jealousy and sensitivity under control, I'll never be able to be in a relationship again.

My anger is the biggest reason that she left me. It's cost me what I love most in this world. My love. My everything. It was too much for her, and far too often.

The rare times that it is rational to get angry about something, I must learn to control how I channel it. I must learn to talk calmly and express my feelings approrpriately. No screaming. No name calling. No swearing. No putting the other person down. And this must be done in private, directly with the person involved, no one else around.

Challenging myself to learn to limit my anger, jealousy, sensitivy, and selfishness. If it is a rational time to be angry, or jealous, or sensitive, learn to channel it appropriately. Focus on self control, and personal responsibility for my actions. Acting rational. Thinking  of others before I act.

Day 3: The Epitome

Have you ever woken up and realized you're the epitome of everything you hate in this world? Your own arch nemesis? That's where I am this morning.
I am disgusted with myself. I hate who I am. I am an ugly person.

I don't know when I became this person, was I always this person? Was this my fate and destiny? Can a person really truly change anything about themself? Is personal will strong enough to change? I'd like to believe that I can. I've been trying for the longest time, but it doesn't seem I'm trying hard enough.

Last night I asked her if she thought she's noticed a change in my behaviors and actions. Her response was No that she hasn't noticed a change, but that she can tell that I'm making an effort to try. I have to agree with her. I wish I had a camera recording my behavior, so I could really see how I act sometimes. I wish I could put myself in to her shoes and see what I've done. Is it out of my control? Can a person realy control who they are? I believe they can.

It comes down to personal responsibility. I have to be responsible for my own actions, every single action. Every breath, every second, every minute, hour and day, my actions are mine, and I control them. I have to take control of me. I cannot let emotions or hormones control me. I have to grow up. There are no more excuses or explanations, there never were.

My anger is the biggest problem. I lose control too easily. Anger is a normal emotion, that we all feel, but it is how we respond to it and channel it that makes the difference. I haven't ever learned how to channel it properly. I am an embarassment to be around. If you hang out with me long enough, I'll probably scream at you, and then apologize 2 seconds later when you're mad.Yelling, swearing, arguing, and putting people down is not EVER appropriate. It is not excusable.

I am sick of hearing myself say the word's "I'm sorry". While I know I genuinely mean it from my heart when I say it, it's like a broken record at this point. The word's have completely lost their meaning. Having to say "I'm sorry" repeatedly to those I care about most, is sickening. That's really the person I've become.

I am a fake. I put on a nice front that I am a good, kind, calm and considerate person. In reality though, that's what I want to be, that's who I was raised to be, but that is not who I am.  It's time for REAL change, not tomorrow, not next week. Right now

Shine Your Shoes

30 Days to a Better Man Day 2: Shine Your Shoes

Unfortunately for day 2 of the challenge, I didn't have any polishable shoes. Instead I modified Day 2 to my own. I'm challenging myself, to upgrade my wardrobe over the next year. Buy nicer clothes, and present myself better.

My wardrobe is lacking, I have a few nice outfits, and I wear them out often. I need to add more to them. I specifically need new shoes, and some nicer dress clothes. I want to have more than 3 nice outfits for those nice nights out, and days when I like to dress up. I'd like to be admired for how I present myself, in nice clothes, but also while keeping things affordable.

I'd really like to find jeans that fit my leg length properly. I'm 5'7", and it seems that 30" is the most common leg length for mens jeans. When I buy them, the back always ends up dragging and fraying. Slowly they get destroyed. If I wear boots they usually don't drag.

I want to be comfortable in what I wear, and be presentable wherever I'm at. Not underdressed, or overdressed. I want to have more than the 3 outfits to cycle through. A nice pair of shineable shoes would be nice too.

My Core Values

30 Days to a Better Man Day 1: Define Your Core Values

This was a great Day 1 challenge. Determine your core values. I belive core values are really important for everyone to have. Both men and women should have good core values, and you should never compromise on them.

It took me a a little bit to figure out what my core values are.
My Core Values:


1. Family - God, Family, and Friends, are the most important thing in life.

2. Integrity - Honesty in all situations, the good and the bad, most importantly honest with myself and holding myself to high morals.

3. Respect - Respect for others, and myself, no matter what.

4. Dreams - Never giving up on what my true goals are.

5. Love - Passionate love. Not just romance, but love of life, family, and self.

These have not always been my core values, and I have made some crucial mistakes in life. I believe if I always focus on my 5 core values, I will live a happier, and be more successful at achieving my goals.

What are your core values?

Day 2

Trying to keep my head up.

Day 4 of 30 Days to a Better Man: Increase Your Testosterone. Workingout was my first step to that this morning. Today I'm working out, keeping stress under control, going to meditate for 10 minutes, and not eat soy. All of those things will help me with increasing my testosterone, and stress relief. I need both.

Hit the gym this morning alone. She was supposed to come with me, but when I called her this morning she wasn't feeling good. Having some chest congestion, and didn't sleep well. I controlled my emotions, and did not let myself get upset or mad. Was a little bummed, but I stayed strong. Told her to feel better.

Felt great to get back in the gym. I don't know how to get through a workout without my iPod. It's almost mentally painful to workout without music. Been listening to a lot of good music lately. Three Days Grace, Something Corporate and The Script have been helping me get through my days lately. Some lyrics are just so passionate, so expressive of raw emotion. It's amzing.

Really need to make working out a routine, and just stick with it. Hard work always pays off.

Today I'm going to focus on working on my jealousy, lonliness, and staying calm. I can't let things that I cannot control ruin my day or overtake my emotions. Need to learn to accept, that I am the only person I can depend on, and the only person I can control. I have to keep my head up.

Empty and Lonely

I hate how empty and lonely I feel.

Pain. Heartbreak. Crushed.

She is and was my bestfriend. I was her bestfriend. I don't have the huge group of friends that she does. She goes out now nearly every night now with them. Staying out till the wee hours of the morning. I can't blame her, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, and I'm sure it helps get her mind off of me.

Must be nice to not have to be responsible and work 40 hours a week, live at home rent free, and get to go out all the time with a great group of friends that care about you. But she did work damn hard to get to where she's at now, got through college, in 4 years, and has a Bachelors Degree. I can't shake a stick at that. I am really proud of her.

She's the last person I think about when I lay down, the person I dream about every night, and the first person I think about when I wake up. I toss and turn all night thinking about her. At night is the worst. I wake up, hoping she's lying there next to me, and I wake up to this nightmare. I was shocked when she moved out, but I understood, and it was meant to be a break. She was stressed out with her finances, and school, and moved home. She made it feel like it was only a temporary thing, and that she would be moving back in after she graduated in December. Instead, she breaks up with me. It hurts. Shocked.

As much as I can say I understand, it doesn't change the pain or the emptiness I feel.

I don't have the closeness of friends that she does, and I wish I did. I'm going to work on that.

I don't have someone to talk to about how I'm feeling, and I can't talk to her about her. I've talked with her too much about her, and us. It is what it is, anything more said to her, will push her beyond the point of coming back or even being friends. That is why I started this blog, so I have a way to get it out what I want to say, even if no one reads it, at least I get to express it.

I did let her know I started this blog, but I didn't gve her the url. I let her know I'm only posting it to Twitter, as our friends and families are all on Facebook, and everyone doesn't need to read this, and I'm not trying to shove it in her face. If she ever wants to read it, she can find it.

I must learn to not take things so personally. It's not completely my fault we're not together. She does care about me, she does love me, and she wants me to be happy.

When life hands you lemonade, buy tequila and make margaritas.

2010 a New Me

Before I met her, I was proud of myself, and who I was becoming. I had things together, and felt like I had a plan for my life. Everything was coming together, and she added to that completeness.

That was 2 years ago.

Now today, when I think about myself, I'm not proud of who I am. I don't have things together, but I still have a plan. Somethings have just fallen apart, with the help of lifes usual stress and struggles. I hate my job. I hate my income. I hate that I'm stuck on a wait list for Nursing school, and that I don't know when I will get in, or when I'll ever actually be an RN. I'm a very literal person, and I have a hard time looking more than 3 feet infront of me in life. Immidiate gratifcation is what I always want, if it's not immidiately attainable, I get frustrated.

I'm always stressed out. I've gained weight, and I'm out of shape. I feel like Nursing school is forever away because of the wait list. Financially, I'm very unstable, and living paycheck to paycheck, barely able to make ends meet sometimes. I hate not knowing if I can spend money on food, because I need it for rent, or gas to get to work, or other bills. I'm sick of getting late and shut off notices. Every time my cell phone gets shut off, I wonder if I could just live without a phone. I don't think I can. I'm lonely, and I lack close friends that most people have. I'm not a loser, I'm attractive, I'm nice, and I am fun to hang out with. I should have friends.

This is why 2010 is the year for a new me. It's time for a better me. I began to search for ways to better myself. I've started actual making use of my gym membership. Working out makes your days go so much better, and makes you feel so much better. The release of endorphine is amazing. I've got one final class this semester before I'm completely wait listed at school.

I've made a couple long over due doctor appointments for this week as well. I'm taking steps in the right direction finally. One step at a time. Some of these steps are making me face my fears, and are challenging, but they are going to help me become the person I want to be.

I came across a web site titled The Art Of Manliness. They have a lot of really great information, and articles, on how to become a better man. I want to be someone people admire, and respect. Someone people think are geunine, real, someone with some real integrity. So I'm challenging myself to complete the 30 Days To A Better Man  series that The Art Of Manliness posted. It's 30 days of things to do, to better yourself as a man, in many aspects of your life. I've completed the first 3 days, and so far it is great. I'd recommend it to any guy who wants to better themselves.

I'm not wanting to better myself just for her, but also for me. For without being a better me, I cannot be who I want to be for anyone. I'll continue to share how my progress through the 30 Days To A Better Man challenge goes.

Day 1

Today is the first day of a long journey ahead. On December 20, my girlfriend of nearly 2 years, and bestfriend, broke up with me. She broke my heart, crushed my soul. It isn't my fault. It isn't her fault. It's how love goes. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but in the end it's a journey.

I'm 25, she's 23. She just graduated college with a Bachelors in Applied Science, for Elementary Education from Eastern Michigan University, the day she broke up with me.She had tried to tell me about 3 months prior to breaking up with me, how she was feeling, and my heart wouldn't listen. I couldn't hear her. It hurt too much. I was being selfish. Trying to stop her from leaving.

Her and I are not perfect, and our relationship was not perfect. Perfection is not realistic though. It was love, and I believe we were great with each other. She's my bestfriend. I can't imagine living life with out her. I want to grow old with her. When I think about my future, she's the one I see with me, my better half.

She broke up with me, because of me, and because of her. She says it was mostly her, but I know better than that. She doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. She doesn't want to be with anyone right now. I should have seen a breakup coming. The affection and attention were lacking in our relationship. Our relationship had become a hostile environment. Her being bitter and resenting me for not listening to her the first time when she expressed her feelings, and me being bitter and resenting for her wanting to give up, and not being who I wanted her to be.

Expectations, you have to give those up when you go in to a relationship. When you love someone. You must love them for who they are. You can't keep a measuring stick out, constantly analyzing their every action. No one is perfect, and no one will meet your every need, every moment of every day. Relationships are about compromises, and we both struggled with that.

She is younger, and going through something that I once went through as well. I made poor decisions, and was not honest about my feelings when it happened to me. It cost me a relationship too. She's handeling it much better than I did. She's being honest and upfront with me, about her feelings, and what she does and doesn't want. I have to admire and respect that. She's a better person than I was when I was her same age going through a lot of the same feelings.

She just graduated, is not ready for marriage. She wants to live life, have fun with her friends, be free to do what she wants, with out the stress of a relationship. I on the other hand am 25, and I'm ready for a serious relationship. That's what I thought I had, until she opened up with me. She had even hinted at wanting jewlrey, and what kind of engagement ring she'd like if we were to get engaged. All things that lead me to believe she was serious about me as well.

At first she started as a break, then she said we were breaking up. Now she's fully expressed her feelings, and what she wants. It's now been about a month since she broke up with me, and I'm still mady in-love with her. I never thought I could love someone like this. I'm heartbroken. My world has been crushed.

She doesn't want to see anyone else, right now. She wants to be single, and to be able to hang out with her friends every night, and to be able to party, and not feel guilty about it. Eventually she wants to see other people, and see whats out there. To see if there is someone better for her. The thought of me, or her with someone else, makes me sick to my stomach litterally. She has my whole heart right now, and I don't know how to get it back, and I don't want it back. I want her back.

We both have agreed that we have a lot to work on within ourselves. To be better people, for our ownselves, and for either of us to have a relationship with anyone. We're both very selfish. I'm a little too jealous, she's to needy, and demanding. She's still my bestfriend, and we're staying in each others lives as that. Nothing more, nothing less.

I've told her I'll give her a year. 1 year. 365 days. If she comes back to me, then it's meant to be. So I'm taking a year off from relationships, and love. Casually dates maybe. Reatlionships no. 1 year to work on me, both for me and for love. So I can be the best boyfriend, and husband that I can be. 1 year for her to figure out what it is she wants. This is a blog, to express my feelings over the next 365 days.