Day 57: Lover

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” - Morrie Schwartz

I am a lover, not a fighter.

I am empty. I don't have my heart, and I wish I did. I want to know how to love. I want to be able to love again. I want to be able to feel again. I am tired of hurting.

I know I've been in-love twice, and know it was real; but I often feel that I wasn't giving enough of myself either time. That I wasn't good enough. When you fall in-love with someone, and you give yourself to them, you need to share your wholeself with that person. You have to let go of your fears, and doubts; you have to just be yourself, and let love happen.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4

I don't think I ever truly understood this Bible verse. That I ever really applied it to my love, to my relationships, to my life. It is very true. I've been impatient, unkind, self-seeking, easily angered, jealous, selfish, and untrusting. That's not what love is at all. That's me being immature, selfish, arrogant, and ignorant.
I don't think I've ever completely let go of myself, my pride, and my ego; and given my wholeself to someone. I've been selfish, and I've held on to my insecurities. I've given all of myself some of the time, but not all myself all of the time, like it should be. You have to put your significant other before yourself, 100% of the time, while not losing yourself in the process. Lovers should compliment each other well.

I want to have that passionate, fantasy, fairy-tale like love. I want to have love like Johnny and June. I want to have passionate love like Noah and Allie in The Notebook. I want it to be real. True love is real, although I know it's rare. I consider myself lucky, to have experienced true love.

I know my heart is not ready to be consumed with love again. My mind is not ready to be consumed. I am not ready.

I can't give myself to anyone, when I still have feelings and pain from previous love. I'm still hurting. It would not be fair. It wouldn't be right, or appropriate. I do not want a rebound. I want something real, when the time is right. I want to love like I've never been hurt. I want to dance like no one is watching. I want to live like I've never lived before.

I can't give myself to someone, when I'm unhappy with myself, and who I am. I can't love someone, when I don't love myself. I can't be with someone when I have these insecurities, and frustrations with myself. I have to overcome these things, and work on me. I have to be happy with me, and who I am; independently. If I can't be happy single, how can I ever maintain happiness in a relationship?

I need to focus on me. I don't know if I'll ever find love again, and I have to accept that. Right now I need to keep myself as my number one priority. Work on me, and become a better me. This is a good life. I need to enjoy it.