Day 57: Lover

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” - Morrie Schwartz

I am a lover, not a fighter.

I am empty. I don't have my heart, and I wish I did. I want to know how to love. I want to be able to love again. I want to be able to feel again. I am tired of hurting.

I know I've been in-love twice, and know it was real; but I often feel that I wasn't giving enough of myself either time. That I wasn't good enough. When you fall in-love with someone, and you give yourself to them, you need to share your wholeself with that person. You have to let go of your fears, and doubts; you have to just be yourself, and let love happen.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4

I don't think I ever truly understood this Bible verse. That I ever really applied it to my love, to my relationships, to my life. It is very true. I've been impatient, unkind, self-seeking, easily angered, jealous, selfish, and untrusting. That's not what love is at all. That's me being immature, selfish, arrogant, and ignorant.
I don't think I've ever completely let go of myself, my pride, and my ego; and given my wholeself to someone. I've been selfish, and I've held on to my insecurities. I've given all of myself some of the time, but not all myself all of the time, like it should be. You have to put your significant other before yourself, 100% of the time, while not losing yourself in the process. Lovers should compliment each other well.

I want to have that passionate, fantasy, fairy-tale like love. I want to have love like Johnny and June. I want to have passionate love like Noah and Allie in The Notebook. I want it to be real. True love is real, although I know it's rare. I consider myself lucky, to have experienced true love.

I know my heart is not ready to be consumed with love again. My mind is not ready to be consumed. I am not ready.

I can't give myself to anyone, when I still have feelings and pain from previous love. I'm still hurting. It would not be fair. It wouldn't be right, or appropriate. I do not want a rebound. I want something real, when the time is right. I want to love like I've never been hurt. I want to dance like no one is watching. I want to live like I've never lived before.

I can't give myself to someone, when I'm unhappy with myself, and who I am. I can't love someone, when I don't love myself. I can't be with someone when I have these insecurities, and frustrations with myself. I have to overcome these things, and work on me. I have to be happy with me, and who I am; independently. If I can't be happy single, how can I ever maintain happiness in a relationship?

I need to focus on me. I don't know if I'll ever find love again, and I have to accept that. Right now I need to keep myself as my number one priority. Work on me, and become a better me. This is a good life. I need to enjoy it.

Day 29: Finances

“Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.” - Jim Rohn

Money, it's important, but it's not the most important thing in this world. It can get you a lot of things, and relieve some stress; but in the end it's all just things.

Today I finally sat down and worked out some of my money. I called Comcast, got my bill lowered, checked on cell phone to make sure I'm not on a contract, and checked my other bills. Things aren't great, but they could be much worse.

I need to gain more financial stability in my life, and be more responsible with my money. Being careless with my money is not good. Doing the right things with my money is all that matters. I know I'm not ever going to be rich, I just want to be successful, and at ease. Being financially stable will help my future, all around.

Came home and cooked dinner for myself, made a grilled chicken salad. It was really good. I really enjoy cooking, and it's a much smarter thing to do financially then eating out constantly. Eating dinner out occasionally is fine, but not every day.

Going to shop for a couch later this week. Very excited about that.

Don't over spend money, and be careful with it.
The root of all money, is evil. Don't be greedy.

Day 13: Responsibility

"When you blame others, you give up your power to change."  -Author Unknown

Responsibility. Accountability. Taking ownership, fault, pride, in your own actions and behaviors.

I am responsible for myself, and for my actions. Everything that I do, I have no one to blame but myself. There are no excuses. It is all about personal responsibility. My anger, behavior, happiness, career, life, future, finances, insecurities, lack of friends, achievements, failures, and regrets; they are all my responsibility. The good, the bad, and the in-between. There is no one else to blame, but me.

Blaming others is immature, childish, and irresponsible. It's denial. Pushing things off on others, trying to make others feel the guilt and shame. The guilt and shame is only mine. Failing to accept personal responsibility, results in negativity built up within me. The built up negativity then comes out in my behavior, actions, and anger. If I just accepted responsibility and dealt with it, it would reduce the stress, and negativity. Personal responsibility, can lead to being a much more happy, positive, and productive person.

Trying to take responsibility for others actions, is immature, arrogant and rude. Accept responsibility for your own actions, and not others. Let others do what they want, and do not question them, or judge them. Be yourself, and let others be themselves.

If I want to be happy, it is up to me to be happy. I cannot rest that on anyone else's shoulders. They have enough of their own responsibilities to take care of, and should not have to worry about me. I am responsible for me, and my future.

I can't continue to think that everything is going to work it self out, and that life is just magically going to happen. Life is not a fairy tale. I am responsible for me, and for achieving what I want. Life goes exactly where I tell it to go, based off of my choices, actions and behaviors.

What I do, and what I don't do, is completely up to me. It is not the responsibility of others to pick me up when I fall. It is my responsibility to get back up, and keep on running. Life is like a marathon, you're the only one that can get you through it. You just have to do it. It is not about not loving anyone, or wanting to be alone; but about maturing, and growing up. Learning to be, just me.

A relationship isn't about depending on someone else. Relationships are not for having someone to blame, and it's not excusable to blame them for anything. Love is about sharing your life with someone, letting them inside of your life, and letting yourself inside of theirs. Sharing your life, does not mean you should give up your own life, or make them give up their life. Relationships should not require you to be dependent, or to lose your independence.

I am responsible for me.
I am held accountable for me.

Day 11: Happiness

"And I drive to the edge of my considerate plain And I apologize to the people I hurt on the way But I, I wipe the slate clean I kick the daydream...."

I must find an independent happiness, deep within me. I must learn to be happy, regardless of whether I have someone to share it with or not. I need to learn, that happiness does not require anyone else, but it welcomes it. I cannot offer my whole self to someone, and give everything to someone, until I can be happy with myself, and love myself. You cannot love another, until you can love yourself. I have to love me. I have to be happy.

Happiness is life. Happiness is not a destination, it's a journey.

If I can learn to be independently happy, then it will help me much more, when I'm in a relationship. I need this independence. I need this freedom. Happiness needs to remain, regardless of the stresses and pitfalls of life. Road bumps happen, sometimes things go perfect, sometimes they go horribly wrong, but I must maintain peace and happiness.

It's not about ignoring what goes wrong, but more of accepting them, and learning that it's all part of life. The bad helps you enjoy the good. The good helps you dream of greatness. It's all achievable. It starts with putting a smile on your face, and thinking positively.

Yes, I lost my girlfriend, and my bestfriend; but it is not the end of the world. It is just a lesson of life, and a challenge that I must face on my own. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. As hard as it is too look forward, and to get over this, I must do it. I cannot sit here and wallow in self pity, cry, and whine. It isn't getting me anywhere, and is only deterring me from progressing and bettering myself. I cannot let my heartbreak distract me.

While I still love her, and I am holding on to hope, that in the end she will return; I must focus on me. Keep a clear, and strong focus on me, and what I want to be, and how I'm going to get there.

Positivity, and happiness, will help me achieve my goals, and get me what I want most in life. Sadness and self pity, is only going to hinder my chances of reaching out for success. Life will pass me by before I know it, if I don't focus.

I'm working on happy. I'm working on me.