Day 39: Frustrations

The fear really hits you. That's what you feel first. And then it's the anger and frustration. Part of the problem is how little we understand about the ultimate betrayal of the body when it rebels against itself. - Charles Bronson

Frustration. Anger. Disappointment. Failure.

Sometimes I lose my lid, and I explode. Unexplainable outbursts. Inexcusable. Irrational. Embarrassing. Rude. Ignorant. Child like. Temper.

I'm not an angry person, I'm not a violent person. Sometimes I just lose my head, and I yell. I raise my voice to decibels unknown to most ears. It's uncalled for, immature, and very irresponsible. It's happened time and time again throughout my life. It's not something I'm proud of. It's my worst trait. It's humiliating. Embarrassing to me, and all of those around me when it happens. It's almost like I have an out of body experience, and I don't even realize what I'm doing, or how ridiculous I'm behaving. Makes me wonder what it looks like, to others, since I can't really see it myself. It's disgusting. It's ugly. 

It's as if a demon lives inside of me, and takes control. I must learn to tame this demon, and over come this evil.

I am no longer a child, there is no excuse for throwing a temper tantrum. Life is not going to always go my way. Sometimes things will upset me. Sometimes people will disappoint me. Sometimes I will upset myself. Sometimes I will disappoint myself, as I often have. Sometimes everyone around me will fail me. I have to learn to be the strong, and control my emotions, and not lose my head.

Apologies don't work anymore. They no longer mean anything. "Sorry I lost it, but hey it WILL happen again in 5 minutes"......that just doesn't work. People do not make me angry, I LET myself get angry. I have to control myself. I cannot control anyone else. No one is out to get me, no one is out to piss me off. It's ME making me angry. It's ME not letting things go. It's ME being an asshole.

Pain is only temporary. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Stop getting angry. Stop losing my head. Focus, focus, focus. There is no reason to ever yell, at anyone or anything. Treat people with some common decency and respect. Always stay calm. Remember what doesn't matter. Remember what matters.

Day 25: Compromise

Compromise, if not the spice of life, is its solidity. It is what makes nations great and marriages happy.

Love and relationships are not easy. They take work. They take fights, conflicts, disagreements, agreements, passion, love, fun, respect, trust and compromises. You have to pick your battles. Somethings are not worth fighting about, and most things really aren't.

Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff.

Over the past 6 months or so, I've learned a few things. One of those things, is that I've been very selfish and uncompromising about a lot of things in my life. It's arrogant and rude; and makes a relationship nearly impossible.

There are somethings in life you should never compromise on, but there are others that you can compromise on. In a relationship, you have to be able to talk things out. Sometimes you'll choose to agree to disagree. Sometimes it requires more effort. You have to meet in the middle, compromise, and find a common ground that you can agree on.

That's something I wasn't always willing to do before. I let my pride, and ignorance take control. My side is not of any more valued than her side, and vice versa. We both have the right to have our own views, and opinions, and goals. In order to make a relationship work though, we both need to be willing to discuss the conflicts, and find a resolution.

We went to dinner last night, and I explained that to her. We both really had a lot of fun. I told her the things that I was previously not willing to budge on, that I am willing to compromise on now. I was willing to compromise on them well before we broke up as well, but it just never came up, we hadn't discussed the issues in several months. She said had she known this before; that it may possibly have changed things. I doubt that it would have, and that's just something I have to live with now. It did really tear at my heart to hear her say that. I wish I would have told her long ago, and I should have.

Never wait to say something that needs to be said.
You never know how important it might be.
Always value, and respect others opinions.
Try to put yourself in their shoes.
Don't lose your values, but be willing to compromise.

Day 20: Sensitivity

My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive a person. - Mike Tyson

Today I really got my feelings hurt, all because I'm overly sensitive; and selfish. I won tickets yesterday to go to the Piston's game tonight. I was really excited when I won them, and I asked her if she wanted to go with me; as friends. We're friends, we should be able to go have a good time together.

Last night when I asked her, she said 'maybe'. My 2nd most hated word in the English dictionary.

This morning, while I was at work; she texted me and said "Hey I'm not going to the Piston's game tonight..." I was very bummed, and disappointed. Was really hoping she was going to go with me.

Then I tried to get ahold of other friends and see if they wanted to go to the game, but no one else could or wanted to. So I ended up not going to the game, what a waste of tickets. I feel bad that I even won them, someone else could have used them, and enjoyed the game. I even considered going alone, but figured that'd be miserable and lame.

I take it far too personally when she doesn't want to hang out with me, or see me. If I am going to be able to be friends with her, I need to learn that she doesn't have to hang out with me every time I ask her too. It is okay for her to say no; and I can't hold it against her. I can't let it hurt me. I can't get upset about it.

I'm not mad at her. I love her, and I do respect her. I miss her.

We've hung out once, in the last 2 or 3 weeks, and hit the gym together once. I didn't think asking her to hang out tonight would be crossing the line, but I guess it was. I need to learn to stop asking her to hang out, and to let her make the first move. When she wants to see me, that's when we'll hang out.

It is not her fault that I am sitting at home alone, bored 90% of my free time. It is not her fault that I don't have the friends that she has. It is not my fault that she doesn't want to hang out with me.

This week, I'm going to focus on my sensitivity, and neediness. I'm going to be less sensitive, and less needy. I'm not going to ask her to hang out. I'm not going to make the first move. I'm not going to let her get me upset. If she asks to hang out, great. If she doesn't, that's okay too.

I need to make it through a day without crying.

I cannot take everything so personally.
I cannot be so sensitive.