Day 39: Frustrations

The fear really hits you. That's what you feel first. And then it's the anger and frustration. Part of the problem is how little we understand about the ultimate betrayal of the body when it rebels against itself. - Charles Bronson

Frustration. Anger. Disappointment. Failure.

Sometimes I lose my lid, and I explode. Unexplainable outbursts. Inexcusable. Irrational. Embarrassing. Rude. Ignorant. Child like. Temper.

I'm not an angry person, I'm not a violent person. Sometimes I just lose my head, and I yell. I raise my voice to decibels unknown to most ears. It's uncalled for, immature, and very irresponsible. It's happened time and time again throughout my life. It's not something I'm proud of. It's my worst trait. It's humiliating. Embarrassing to me, and all of those around me when it happens. It's almost like I have an out of body experience, and I don't even realize what I'm doing, or how ridiculous I'm behaving. Makes me wonder what it looks like, to others, since I can't really see it myself. It's disgusting. It's ugly. 

It's as if a demon lives inside of me, and takes control. I must learn to tame this demon, and over come this evil.

I am no longer a child, there is no excuse for throwing a temper tantrum. Life is not going to always go my way. Sometimes things will upset me. Sometimes people will disappoint me. Sometimes I will upset myself. Sometimes I will disappoint myself, as I often have. Sometimes everyone around me will fail me. I have to learn to be the strong, and control my emotions, and not lose my head.

Apologies don't work anymore. They no longer mean anything. "Sorry I lost it, but hey it WILL happen again in 5 minutes"......that just doesn't work. People do not make me angry, I LET myself get angry. I have to control myself. I cannot control anyone else. No one is out to get me, no one is out to piss me off. It's ME making me angry. It's ME not letting things go. It's ME being an asshole.

Pain is only temporary. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Stop getting angry. Stop losing my head. Focus, focus, focus. There is no reason to ever yell, at anyone or anything. Treat people with some common decency and respect. Always stay calm. Remember what doesn't matter. Remember what matters.

Day 18: Heartbreak

Heartbroken. Empty. Alone. Hurting. Crying. Broken.

I'm so empty, and so alone. I love this girl with all of my heart, yet I feel like I barely know her anymore. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.

We barely talk, and occasionally see each other; and usually I'm the one who initiates any contact. Is she only in my life for me at this point? Does she want to be in my life anymore? 

I hate that she doesn't care about me the way I care about her. I hate that she's not in love with me, and wanting to be with me. It's very difficult to accept. It's heartbreaking.

I understand a lot of where she's coming from, but it doesn't remove the pain. The emptiness. The frustration. The heartbreak. 

She's young, and wants to be young, and to live that young lifestyle. To party, hang out with friends, meet other guys, have fun. It's all perfectly normal feelings, and I do understand them. I felt that same way when I was her age too. It's just very hard being in my position of it now. I'm trying to let her live her life now, and accept that I'm not who I want to be in her life anymore. I'm trying to be silent, and sit on the sidelines while she lives her life, and to not ask too many questions. 

It still drives my mind crazy with thoughts, and emotions. My jealousy envelopes me. I need to get my jealousy under control. I know she's going to meet other guys. I know there are better guys out there than me. But I have to be proud of who I am, and know what we had. If she comes back, I'll know it was real. She is not my girlfriend, and it is perfectly normal for her to see other people.

I am so stressed out beyond belief. This is the most stressed out I've probably ever been, and I'm having to go through it all alone. The time that I need her here most, she's gone. 

Financial stress, work stress, school stress, emotional stress, and I'm all alone. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't just call her when I want to call her. I hate that I can't just text her when I want to text her. I hate that she's not my best friend anymore. 

I'll always love her, no matter what. I know she's not trying to hurt me. She's not being malicious. She's been nothing but honest with me about her feelings, and what she's doing from the beginning. I just don't know how long I can be here for her, and not be with her.

Day 10: Attraction

"I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while......"

The laws of attraction are simple. Even a child can understand them. Positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative. While we all know this is true, why is it so hard for us to actually do?

Her and I, while we were together went through phases of both positivity and negativity. A roller coaster of emotions. When we first met, I was positive, and she was positive, which encouraged more positivity. We fed off of each others energy.

Then at some points we got stressed out with life, our relationships, our jobs, our finances, and things got negative. We both fed off of each others negativity, which led to a lot of anger and resentment. We became selfish, and began putting ourselves before the relationship. Our friendship suffered, our relationship suffered. We should have been a team, and supporting each other through our hard days, but instead we made them worse for each other. We both couldn't stop thinking about our own problems, or even begin to try to imagine how the other person was feeling. We were selfish, and unkind.

Our positivity is a big part of what brought us together, and bonded us in the begining. We both were happy, and excited for life. We both had plans for our life, and things were going well in our lives. We were excited to have someone to share it with, and we fell in love with each other. At the begining, we both had a lot more money, and we're able to go and do a lot more things. Then money got tight, and our lives got busier, with work, school, families, and life.

Fights happened. We both lost our heads sometimes. Talking our problems out was not our strong point, and something we both need to work at. In a relationship you need to be able to tell each other how you're feeling, without fear of a fight. Problems and feelings should be able to be discussed, openly and honestly.

We both didn't treat each other how we should have, and we are both to blame. She'd say something mean, I'd say something mean back. She'd ask for something in a rude way, I'd give her a rude excuse. She'd ask for a massage, I'd tell her no.

We let the stress of our lives get to us, and brought it in to our relationships. We were both going through a very stressful point in our lives, and we should have helped each other get through it as a team. We should have supported each other. Instead we fought each other, and made it even harder.

I know that if we were given another chance, if she will give us one, that we could make things work. I know that what we had was real, and amazing. I know that this love is tangible. We both need to work on ourselves, and learn how to support each other in a relationship. We need to learn to be a team, and to lose our selfish atitudes. Counseling could have helped, but she refused.

I'm not blaming her for us not being together. I know I am just as much to blame, if not more. I know my anger is the biggest source of the problem. She fed off of my anger, which then made her angry. If my anger hadn't been there, I'm sure her anger wouldn't have been there. If I had always put her first, I'm sure she would have put me first. We both need to mature, and grow up. Stress, and life happen, and we both must learn to get through them, together, as a team, and not bring others down with us. We must learn to support each other completely. We must learn to trust each other completely with our hearts, and know that they want what is best for us as well.

Love, is taking care of each other, supporting each other, and being a team.

Should I Go?

This Saturday is her college graduation party. She has invited me, but made it clear that she only wants me there as a friend, and that I am not welcome to come if I am going to cause any problems.

Part of me really, really wants to go. For many reasons. She's my best friend.  I feel like if I don't go, I'm missing an important day in her life, that I'd like to be part of, and I want to celebrate this special day with her. I also wish I could be there as her boyfriend, which is not an option, and is an inappropriate reason to want to be there. I wish I could go, and celebrate with her, see her family, be comfortable, and then party with her family and friends. That's really not likely though. Also I'd like to go for her, because I feel that if I don't go, she's going to feel horrible that I didn't come, because she knows that I want to.

The complications. It's been more than a month now since she left me. Her family knows we are not together, her friends know we are not together. If I go, I feel like, I'd look desperate, and like a fool being there. They know she doesn't want to be with me, I know she doesn't want to be with me. So why would I be there? I'd feel awkward around her friends and her family. Her friends are great, and I know they would be nice to me, and socialize with me, but still it'd be uncomfortable. But sometimes life is uncomfortable, and you have to put your big boy pants on, and tough it out.

Now the flip side. Why I shouldn't go, she's concerned I could end up being a problem. I don't want to make her worry whatsoever. It'd be selfish, and rude for me to go. I want this to be her special day, and I want her to have a GREAT time. I want her to be able to celebrate, and have a blast, with no drama. I want it to be a great memory for her, her special day. Maybe I shouldn't be a part of that memory. I don't want her to worry about me not being there either though. I want her to just have a great time. I know that I have anger problems, and I have had many outbursts, where I've completely lost control.

I go into a rage. It's never gotten physical, it's completely verbal. I have a loud voice to begin with, and it just goes up to max volume. I'm an embarrassment, to myself, and all of those around me when this happens. The chance of that happening at her party? I don't know how likely it is to happen. I've promised her, and myself many times that I won't scream again, I won't lose control; and every time I relapse into rage, completely forgetting that I just promised both of us. It's inexcusable, and it CANNOT happen again, ever, with anyone, under any circumstance. I am working on that, but I don't want to have a relapse, especially at something so special, and so important to her. With all of her family, and all of her friends to witness it.

I know if it happens again, she will be out of my life.

I love her, and I am done ruining her life, and making her miserable. I want her to be happy. I want her to be the girl that she was when I met her.

Should I go? Or should I just stay home? Should I just stop in, to say congratulations and then go? Or should I just not go at all, and let her have her day to her self? What is best for her, not me?

Anger

I have one major problem. My anger. It envelopes me. I have to attack the source of my anger.

It is deep down within me. It is not the situations that I get in to, or what other people do that makes me angry. It is my own self. I let myself get angry. It is often fueled by my emotions, and jealousy. I'm too sensitive. I let myself get angry. Anger is just an unacceptable excuse to be rude, and take things out on people, when I'm really just trying to make myself feel better. Making myself feel better, by making you feel like dirt. Real mature, real nice. I often blame my ADD, for my anger, and I'm sure it is part of the source of my anger as well, but it is not an excuse. I cannot continue to look for something to blame. I am the source of my problems.

I'm not happy with who I am. I'm not happy with my career. I'm not happy with my life. I take this out on other people, and blame them for it, by masking myself with anger. You looked at me the wrong way, you don't agree with me, you don't want the same things I want, you don't want to hang out with me (why would you, I'm an agry asshole?), so I'm angry at you. This means I get to scream at you, and treat you like dirt. I'm broke, I'm under a lot of stress, I hate my job, I hate that I'm on a wait list for Nursing school, and so I take it out on you.

I must learn to accept myself, and to be happy with where I'm at in life right now. I can't take it out on others, that I'm unhappy, and I shouldn't be unhappy. My life is not where I ultimately want to be, but I am working on getting there, and I have a plan. I just need to be patient. Things will work themself out. Once I'm in the Nursing program, things will go much better, and then once I'm actually a Nurse it'll get even better.

Let's now get to specifics, about what sets my anger off.

• When people are critical of me. I get my feelings hurt. I take it out as anger.
• When someone doesn't do what I want, I get selfish, and then my anger comes out.
• When you don't want to hang out with me, I get jealous of what you're doing, which is very selfish, and obsessive, and then I get angry.
• When I feel that my feelings are being betrayed. I'm being overly sensitive most of the time, and then I get angry.
• When someone breaks plans with me. I get selfish, and expect too much out of people. I get angry and take it out on them.
• When someone lies to me, or hides something from me. My trust is broken, and I get angry.

Most of these reasons are NOT rational reasons to get angry at all. 99% of the time, I'm over reacting, being irrational and too sensitive. Jealousy and feelings are two things that often fuel my rage, and if I can stop being so sensitive ALL the time, it would really help resolve this irrational rage that I go into.

These are all just excuses for my anger. Unacceptable excuses. Anger is not acceptable. Jealousy is not acceptable. If I dont' get my anger, jealousy and sensitivity under control, I'll never be able to be in a relationship again.

My anger is the biggest reason that she left me. It's cost me what I love most in this world. My love. My everything. It was too much for her, and far too often.

The rare times that it is rational to get angry about something, I must learn to control how I channel it. I must learn to talk calmly and express my feelings approrpriately. No screaming. No name calling. No swearing. No putting the other person down. And this must be done in private, directly with the person involved, no one else around.

Challenging myself to learn to limit my anger, jealousy, sensitivy, and selfishness. If it is a rational time to be angry, or jealous, or sensitive, learn to channel it appropriately. Focus on self control, and personal responsibility for my actions. Acting rational. Thinking  of others before I act.

Day 3: The Epitome

Have you ever woken up and realized you're the epitome of everything you hate in this world? Your own arch nemesis? That's where I am this morning.
I am disgusted with myself. I hate who I am. I am an ugly person.

I don't know when I became this person, was I always this person? Was this my fate and destiny? Can a person really truly change anything about themself? Is personal will strong enough to change? I'd like to believe that I can. I've been trying for the longest time, but it doesn't seem I'm trying hard enough.

Last night I asked her if she thought she's noticed a change in my behaviors and actions. Her response was No that she hasn't noticed a change, but that she can tell that I'm making an effort to try. I have to agree with her. I wish I had a camera recording my behavior, so I could really see how I act sometimes. I wish I could put myself in to her shoes and see what I've done. Is it out of my control? Can a person realy control who they are? I believe they can.

It comes down to personal responsibility. I have to be responsible for my own actions, every single action. Every breath, every second, every minute, hour and day, my actions are mine, and I control them. I have to take control of me. I cannot let emotions or hormones control me. I have to grow up. There are no more excuses or explanations, there never were.

My anger is the biggest problem. I lose control too easily. Anger is a normal emotion, that we all feel, but it is how we respond to it and channel it that makes the difference. I haven't ever learned how to channel it properly. I am an embarassment to be around. If you hang out with me long enough, I'll probably scream at you, and then apologize 2 seconds later when you're mad.Yelling, swearing, arguing, and putting people down is not EVER appropriate. It is not excusable.

I am sick of hearing myself say the word's "I'm sorry". While I know I genuinely mean it from my heart when I say it, it's like a broken record at this point. The word's have completely lost their meaning. Having to say "I'm sorry" repeatedly to those I care about most, is sickening. That's really the person I've become.

I am a fake. I put on a nice front that I am a good, kind, calm and considerate person. In reality though, that's what I want to be, that's who I was raised to be, but that is not who I am.  It's time for REAL change, not tomorrow, not next week. Right now