Day 28: Sunday

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world—not even our troubles."
 - Charlie Chaplin

Had a very relaxing day today, and got a lot done around my apartment. It still seems kind of strange saying my apartment, as it was always our apartment.

Sunday's should be a day of relaxation, to help you regain your energy, and your focus for the new week. That is what today was. This is a new week, a week of focus. Focus on me.

It's time to focus on me, and living my life. I can't let life pass me by just because I'm single. Being single, doesn't mean I have to put my life on hold, and can't enjoy life. Let life live.

Sometimes you have to give up on the life you planned, and accept the life that you have. Accept the life that you have, and run with that; and make it the life that you want. Get through the low points, and roll with the punches. Adapt to change. Life doesn't always go the way you plan it to go, lives change, people change. With that change you must learn to adjust, and keep your happiness. Stay centered, stay focused, stay happy.

I watched Couples Retreat today, was pretty good. Love Vince Vaughn. Just reminded me that you have to fight for what you believe in, trust what your heart tells heart tells you, and that relationships take work.

Today is Valentines day, it was difficult not to dwell on the fact that I'm single. I asked her if she wanted to get dinner together, she declined. I guess it's for the best. I don't blame her, and I expected her to say no. Shouldn't have asked her. Really need to stop asking to see her.

New week, new focus. Do not ask her to hang out. Focus on me, and be happy.

Day 20: Sensitivity

My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive a person. - Mike Tyson

Today I really got my feelings hurt, all because I'm overly sensitive; and selfish. I won tickets yesterday to go to the Piston's game tonight. I was really excited when I won them, and I asked her if she wanted to go with me; as friends. We're friends, we should be able to go have a good time together.

Last night when I asked her, she said 'maybe'. My 2nd most hated word in the English dictionary.

This morning, while I was at work; she texted me and said "Hey I'm not going to the Piston's game tonight..." I was very bummed, and disappointed. Was really hoping she was going to go with me.

Then I tried to get ahold of other friends and see if they wanted to go to the game, but no one else could or wanted to. So I ended up not going to the game, what a waste of tickets. I feel bad that I even won them, someone else could have used them, and enjoyed the game. I even considered going alone, but figured that'd be miserable and lame.

I take it far too personally when she doesn't want to hang out with me, or see me. If I am going to be able to be friends with her, I need to learn that she doesn't have to hang out with me every time I ask her too. It is okay for her to say no; and I can't hold it against her. I can't let it hurt me. I can't get upset about it.

I'm not mad at her. I love her, and I do respect her. I miss her.

We've hung out once, in the last 2 or 3 weeks, and hit the gym together once. I didn't think asking her to hang out tonight would be crossing the line, but I guess it was. I need to learn to stop asking her to hang out, and to let her make the first move. When she wants to see me, that's when we'll hang out.

It is not her fault that I am sitting at home alone, bored 90% of my free time. It is not her fault that I don't have the friends that she has. It is not my fault that she doesn't want to hang out with me.

This week, I'm going to focus on my sensitivity, and neediness. I'm going to be less sensitive, and less needy. I'm not going to ask her to hang out. I'm not going to make the first move. I'm not going to let her get me upset. If she asks to hang out, great. If she doesn't, that's okay too.

I need to make it through a day without crying.

I cannot take everything so personally.
I cannot be so sensitive.

Day 19: Choices

"Living and dying with the choices I've made"

Life is all about choices and decisions.

You wake up each day, and you have to make a decision to be happy, or to be angry. Choose what clothes your going to wear. Choose whether you're going to go to work, or if you're going to stay home. Each choice you make, lays the route for your life. The better choices you make, the better your life will be.

You have to way out the pro's and con's with each choice, and decide what choice is worth it. Which choice is best for you.

Happiness is a choice, it is not a destination. Happiness is the journey of life. I must choose happiness. I must choose me. I must choose life.

I must find this happiness within me, without using anyone for a crutch. Using others will only fill a void temporarily. You were born alone, you die alone. Happiness rests ultimately on your own shoulders. You have to make the decisions in your life, you have to make the choice to be happy. I have to make that choice. Today.

My happiness is my responsibility, and only mine.

 Life is too short to be unhappy, and to dwell on the unchangeable.

I am choosing happiness.

Day 14: Friend

"....oh but baby most of all, I miss my friend"

I miss my friend. I miss my best friend. With everything inside of me.

You don't often, if ever get a second chances in life, and I lost my best friend, and girlfriend once again. It hurts. The pain is unexplainable. The emptiness, the tears. Every sad song is my song. She is one amazing girl, and I'm thankful for the time that she was in my life, and that she still talks to me some today.

You never know what you've got till it's gone. Such a true statement.

I hope one day she can come back in my life, and give me a second chance. I know if we both went into it wanting it, that things would be a world of different. I know I can make her happy, and give her what she wants. I want to be her knight in shining armor, her prince charming. I want to be her Johnny, to her June.

I'll never forget the moment when I knew she loved me, and the moment I knew I wanted to marry her. I never asked her to, I often wonder what she would have said now. Would she have considered it? Or would it have brought about the breakup earlier?

She's an amazing girl. Beautiful, intelligent, educated, honest, passionate, and real. I'll always admire her. While I am hurt, and heartbroken; I cannot be angry at her. She's done nothing wrong. She's only doing what she believes she needs to do. I wish her the best in all she does, and I'll always be here for her if she ever needs anything.

I love you, with all of my heart and soul. I'm thankful that you came in to my life, and have tattooed my heart. I'll never forget the memories we have together. I'll never forget you. I hope you never forget me. I hope you realize how serious my emotions, and feelings are for you. It is my wish, that you know that I am a good person, and a great guy. I am not perfect, and I do not claim to be. What I do know, is that I know I can make you happy, and give you the world, if you let me.

She'll always be my Konstantine.

Day 12: Breathe

"I'm going back to the corner, where I first saw you, gonna camp in my sleeping bag, not gonna move......"

Today is Friday. I did a whole lot of nothing, and my mind is really begining to play games with me.

Sitting home alone is not easy for me. I really wish I had friends. Asked a couple people to hang out, but they were busy. Figures.

I called and talked to her for a few minutes, just to tell her that I hope she has a good weekend. The sound of her voice is amazing. It made my voice crack, and I began to cry.

Is it weird that I sleep with a picture of her, on the pillow next to me in bed?
I find it comforting.

I really miss her, more than I ever knew was possible. Words can't explain this pain and emptiness that I feel, or my love for her. She's amazing. It was by chance that we met, and I would go back and meet her again in a heartbeat. I wish she would give us another chance, let us start fresh, from the begining, let us do things right. I love her more than anything. She's my everything.

I hope that one day she comes back, and lets us start from the beginning. We'll do things right, and it'll be nothing short of amazing.

I feel like I'm nothing without her.

I wonder if she remembers the night that I sang "My Kind of Rain" for her at kareoke. I meant every word. I'll never forget that night. Or the night I fell in love with her.

Day 9: Goodbye

There's nothing good about goodbye.

 Last night, I finally decided that I cannot see her anymore. It is unhealthy, for her, and for me. It is not fair to either of us. We both want to see each other for different reasons, and it's not right.

At this point I cannot be her friend. I care about her, and I love her, with everything inside of me. This is not me giving up. This is me being strong. This is me doing what I feel is best. This is me loving her, and doing what's best for her, and for me. This is what's best for us as well, as I know I've just been pushing her further and further away by always pressuring her about us. I have to let her go, before she's forced to go.

She'll never know if she misses me, if I don't ever give her the chance to actually have to miss me. Will she think of me when I'm not there? Will she wish that I was around? I told her I can talk and text with her, but that I cannot see her. It's not fair to me, or fair to her. I keep bringing her down, and she keeps bringing me down. We're both hurting each other.

I don't want to hurt her anymore, and I don't want her to hurt me anymore. I'm sick of fighting with her, and getting upset about stupid meaningless things. I'm tired of being too sensitive, and crying every day when I hear her voice. I'm tired of hoping, and waiting to see her each day. It's not healthy. I'm tired of getting excited every time my phone vibrates, hoping it's a text or call from  her.

I had to say goodbye. It was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I know it's going to get harder as time goes. I do miss her, and I do want to see her, but I can't. I have to live with that. It is what it is. Sometimes the hardest decision, is the best decision. If a decision is easy, you're probably doing it wrong. Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled. Sometimes you have to be alone, to learn how to live.

I had lost a little bit of focus lately, focusing too much on her still, and not on me. I am serious about wanting to focus on me, and bettering myself, both for her and for me. I must focus on that now. Better me. For me. For her. For love. I have to learn to be happy on my own, I have to learn to be me alone. I have to learn to love myself, for who I am. I can't give myself to her, or anyone until I can do that.

I hope that one day, I can see her again, and she can see the new me, the better me. A true gentleman, that's happy, that has things together, and is going places. That's who I want to be.

Her beauty is raw, and wild, I will always love her. There's nothing that can change that.

Goodbye was not easy, but it was what was best for her, and for me. I love you, and I hope to see you again.  I'll be missing you.

If you love someone, set them free.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

I know we are not together, and that she does not want to be with me right now. But we both know we still love each other and care about each other. We've made a pact to be completely honest with each other. If something happens the other should know about, we tell them. Even if we know it's going to hurt them, they still need to know.

Last night, she told me she kissed a guy at her graduation party on Saturday night. Yes I'm still talking about the graduation party.

It really drove the stake in to my heart, especially that she told me in a text message. I suspected it all along, and I knew something had happened, but I was waiting for her to tell me. I'm glad she was honest with me and told me. When I dropped off our dog in the morning on Sunday, she was sitting in her garage at a table with the guy that she had kissed. I walked in there, and saw her sitting there with him and some other people at the table. I hadn't ever met this guy before. I knew it wasn't good news.

It was just a "I'm drunk, my friends dared us to" kiss. A peck. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

I'm not mad at her. She can do what she wants, and if she wants to kiss other people, make out with other people, date other people, then so be it. But I can't say it won't hurt, and that I won't cry. It hurts like hell.

She texted me at work yesterday and told me this just before I left. I literally wanted to puke when I read it. I thought I was going to. Luckily I didn't. I don't know why I care so much, why I let these things bother me, and it's really dumb, but I do.

It didn't help either, knowing that the kiss, was with her friend that has a crush on her. After the kiss, she said he was trying to be clingy, trying to hold her hand and things. Like it was more than just a kiss to him, because it was, because he has feelings for her. It makes me sick to imagine where this could be going. 2 weeks ago he got her number. They've been texting pretty regularly back and forth. Disgusts me to think that while we've been having conversations, that she's sitting there texting him in the middle of it too. Ouch.

She also said that it makes her happy, and feels good to talk to someone new. It's an ego booster. It sucks. Kinda makes me want to go talk to someone too, but that wouldn't be right, and it'd be for the wrong reasons. I don't want to talk to someone out of vengeance, hurt, or anger. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I want to talk to her.

Was I never good enough?

She then tried to compare her kissing someone at her party, to me talking to my ex girlfriend briefly in a text message on Sunday. I was talking to my ex to ask her what she thought about my anger. Trying to get more information, for me, to better myself. More input, from someone that knew me pretty well, that has seen my anger. I felt guilty for even talking to her when I was talking to her, and then her comparing it to a kiss, made me feel even worse.

The night of her party, she also made out with 2 of her girlfriends. One of them, she said she really enjoyed making out with. Which she found unusual, because she doesn't normally like making out with anyone. Never has. We rarely made out. Why not?

No matter how much you prepare yourself for something, and tell yourself it's going to be okay, when it actually happens it still hurts like hell. I knew a kiss was going to happen eventually, just didn't expect it to be at her graduation party, or for it to be a drunken kiss. I guess it's better that it was, at least it wasn't a romantic date kiss.

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

When a heart breaks it don't breakeven. I got time, while she got freedom.

Day 8: Desolated

I feel so empty. Alone. Forgotten. Unneeded. Unwanted.

Had a rough weekend. Luckily part of it was kept busy by working. Sat at home bored, alone and empty all weekend. Luckily Friday and Saturday nights I had our dog to keep me company. Spent most of my week, in bed, curled up, crying, or at work, trying to not think about it. Wish I had friends to go out with, wish I had money to even be able to afford to go out.

Her graduation party was Saturday night, I stopped in quickly just to pick up our dog for the night, and drop a card off. Wish I could have stayed. Wished I would have gotten to help her prepare for the party more. Wish I could have helped her financially with the party supplies. Wish she had wanted me to be there with her, for her. She said she wanted me there, but I'm pretty sure it was only so I felt welcomed. She knew I'd have been really crushed if I wasn't invited. I came back at 6am to drop our dog off, and the party was still going. She was still awake. I wonder if during that 12 hours of party, did she think about me, and wish I was there? 12 hours. Did I even cross her mind? Wish I was there to celebrate with her, and throw a drink back with her? When she looks at the pictures of the night, will she wish I was in some of them? Sadly, I'm sure I know the answer to all of those questions.

I miss being the person that she wanted to hang out with, the boyfriend, the bestfriend. Being the one that she wanted next to her in those important moments of life. I want her in those moments of my life. I miss having someone to spend time with, someone that I love, and someone that I can't get my mind off of. Someone that makes me smile without even trying. Someone who knows me, and still loves me. I miss having a friend, someone I could talk to about anything. That's why I had to make this blog. I miss being loved. I miss feeling needed in someones life. I miss having her to eat dinner with, at home, on a tuesday night. I miss getting to see her when I got home from work, and be able to get a hug anytime I wanted or needed one.

I miss her like hell.

I told her I missed her. All she could say was "I know". I said I needed a hug. She said "I'm sorry".

I wish she knew, really knew, how much I care about her and love her. I know without a doubt, with everything inside of me, that I love her. I want to be with her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  I want to marry this girl. When I think of my future, and I look to my right, she's the one that's there. That's why I'm here.

I wish she cared. I wish she hadn't just given up.

It's really hard to continue trying to put any effort in with her, when I get little to nothing in return.

I am sick of crying every single day, and it just happening at any given moment. I look at something. I hear something. I smell something. I think of something, and then the tears just suffocate me and take control.

I'm not a strong person, but I know this is where I have to be right now. Love is life. In life you don't give up, or quit. Quitting equals failure. Failure equals death. Death is not an option.

Unwanted.

Empty and Lonely

I hate how empty and lonely I feel.

Pain. Heartbreak. Crushed.

She is and was my bestfriend. I was her bestfriend. I don't have the huge group of friends that she does. She goes out now nearly every night now with them. Staying out till the wee hours of the morning. I can't blame her, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, and I'm sure it helps get her mind off of me.

Must be nice to not have to be responsible and work 40 hours a week, live at home rent free, and get to go out all the time with a great group of friends that care about you. But she did work damn hard to get to where she's at now, got through college, in 4 years, and has a Bachelors Degree. I can't shake a stick at that. I am really proud of her.

She's the last person I think about when I lay down, the person I dream about every night, and the first person I think about when I wake up. I toss and turn all night thinking about her. At night is the worst. I wake up, hoping she's lying there next to me, and I wake up to this nightmare. I was shocked when she moved out, but I understood, and it was meant to be a break. She was stressed out with her finances, and school, and moved home. She made it feel like it was only a temporary thing, and that she would be moving back in after she graduated in December. Instead, she breaks up with me. It hurts. Shocked.

As much as I can say I understand, it doesn't change the pain or the emptiness I feel.

I don't have the closeness of friends that she does, and I wish I did. I'm going to work on that.

I don't have someone to talk to about how I'm feeling, and I can't talk to her about her. I've talked with her too much about her, and us. It is what it is, anything more said to her, will push her beyond the point of coming back or even being friends. That is why I started this blog, so I have a way to get it out what I want to say, even if no one reads it, at least I get to express it.

I did let her know I started this blog, but I didn't gve her the url. I let her know I'm only posting it to Twitter, as our friends and families are all on Facebook, and everyone doesn't need to read this, and I'm not trying to shove it in her face. If she ever wants to read it, she can find it.

I must learn to not take things so personally. It's not completely my fault we're not together. She does care about me, she does love me, and she wants me to be happy.

When life hands you lemonade, buy tequila and make margaritas.