Day 49: Cooking

When baking, follow directions.  When cooking, go by your own taste.  -Laiko Bahrs

I want to learn to cook more. I've cooked in two restaurants, and I really enjoyed it. Cooking is a lot of fun. I love to cook for others, and I want to expand my cooking and baking skills.

Cooking food, is healthier, and cheaper than going out to eat constantly, or eating ready prepared foods. I want to eat healthier, and cook more often. Cooking for one doesn't have to mean TV Dinners, or something out of can. I should be able to cook a healthy meal for myself, and enjoy it.

Cooking is a great skill to have, and it is fun. It will expand my regular diet, and will help me not just eat the same things over and over again. I really enjoy cooking for others, having family and friends over and cooking dinner. I should do that more often.

My family was supposed to come over this weekend, but we're planning it for next weekend. I'm excited for that. Not sure what I should cook for them yet. Last time I cooked spaghetti, and a fresh salad. Was really good. That was a long time ago though. Could cook that again, since it is simple, and I know how to do it. Or I could expand my skills and try something new. I'll have to see what everyone else feels like having.

I've stopped eating fast food, and am doing good at that. When I've gone to lunch at work, I've tried to go with healthier choices like Subway, and Quiznos subs, rather than Taco Bell and McDonalds constantly. It really makes you feel a lot better eating healthier. I need to get back in the gym this week as well and work out.

This week, cook something new, and get in the gym.

Day 38: Favors

“The pleasure we derive from doing favors is partly in the feeling it gives us that we are not altogether worthless. It is a pleasant surprise to ourselves.” - Eric Hoffer

Favor's are important in life, friendships, relationships, and success. Sometimes you have to reach out and do a favor. It's not about looking for anything in return. You have to do it whole heartedly, only in the best interest of others. Be completely selfless.

It requires you to be unselfish, selfless, for you to care, and concern yourself with others happiness. Putting others before yourself, reaching out to others in their time of need, even if they cannot give you anything in return. Just like Christmas, it will always hold true, in those that are selfless, you find more happiness in giving, than receiving. It's is the graciousness, and happiness that you give to others that makes you happy. You cannot expect anything in return, or compare anything they may give in return. Just a simple, you're welcome, is all that's needed. Pay it forward. Smile.

Always be kind, and respectful when doing a favor for others. Reach out to others in their time of need, and others will reach out to you in your time of need. Do not demand anything return, or even request anything in return. Just let it be. Good Karma.

You will find more happiness in doing favors, and helping others than you can ever imagine.

Give a smile to someone at least once a day. Even a complete stranger. Hold a door for someone, say thank you to someone. Simple gestures of gratitude can go a long ways. Be selfless. Put others before yourself.

Day 37: Gentleman

All I want now is to be a nice, clean gentleman. I've proved my point. Now I'm going to set an example for all the nice boys and girls. I'm through talking. - Muhammed Ali

A true gentleman, the epitome of what I want and strive to be. Sometimes I fail. Often in the past I've failed. I'm not perfect, and I know I cannot be perfect; but I do know I can be a gentleman, and be the best me that I can be. Being a gentleman is not just about being nice to someone you're interested in; but also being kind and considerate to all of those around you; even complete strangers. It's not always easy, and it's often easier to be the complete opposite, and temptingly so.

Last weekend I started talking to someone new, as a friend. I know her through a mutual friend, and we went to the same high-school. She's a very sweet girl, and I thought she'd be a nice person to talk to, and be friends with. This weekend we met. I had met her once before, several years ago; but she'd forgotten. We went out as friends, and we had a lot of fun. We met with the intention of hanging out as friends, and not a date. The night had other plans, and it turned into more of a casual date.

We were both very surprised with how comfortable we were talking to each other. It wasn't awkward at all. Prior to meeting, we hadn't even talked on the phone. We'd only been texting each other here and there, just having casual conversations.

It was nice to take someone out, and treat them like a gentleman should. I hope she had a good time.

Last night we hung out again, with some mutual friends of ours, and went and played pool for a couple hours. I was surprised when she asked if I wanted to go. Was very last minute. We had a good time. It's nice to get out, have fun, and enjoy life. I've been completely honest with her, about where I'm at right now, and she respects that.

Enjoy life, and live it, don't let it pass you by.

Day 24: Over and Over

I don't really know what else to say today, other than listen to this song.

Day 20: Sensitivity

My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive a person. - Mike Tyson

Today I really got my feelings hurt, all because I'm overly sensitive; and selfish. I won tickets yesterday to go to the Piston's game tonight. I was really excited when I won them, and I asked her if she wanted to go with me; as friends. We're friends, we should be able to go have a good time together.

Last night when I asked her, she said 'maybe'. My 2nd most hated word in the English dictionary.

This morning, while I was at work; she texted me and said "Hey I'm not going to the Piston's game tonight..." I was very bummed, and disappointed. Was really hoping she was going to go with me.

Then I tried to get ahold of other friends and see if they wanted to go to the game, but no one else could or wanted to. So I ended up not going to the game, what a waste of tickets. I feel bad that I even won them, someone else could have used them, and enjoyed the game. I even considered going alone, but figured that'd be miserable and lame.

I take it far too personally when she doesn't want to hang out with me, or see me. If I am going to be able to be friends with her, I need to learn that she doesn't have to hang out with me every time I ask her too. It is okay for her to say no; and I can't hold it against her. I can't let it hurt me. I can't get upset about it.

I'm not mad at her. I love her, and I do respect her. I miss her.

We've hung out once, in the last 2 or 3 weeks, and hit the gym together once. I didn't think asking her to hang out tonight would be crossing the line, but I guess it was. I need to learn to stop asking her to hang out, and to let her make the first move. When she wants to see me, that's when we'll hang out.

It is not her fault that I am sitting at home alone, bored 90% of my free time. It is not her fault that I don't have the friends that she has. It is not my fault that she doesn't want to hang out with me.

This week, I'm going to focus on my sensitivity, and neediness. I'm going to be less sensitive, and less needy. I'm not going to ask her to hang out. I'm not going to make the first move. I'm not going to let her get me upset. If she asks to hang out, great. If she doesn't, that's okay too.

I need to make it through a day without crying.

I cannot take everything so personally.
I cannot be so sensitive.

Day 18: Heartbreak

Heartbroken. Empty. Alone. Hurting. Crying. Broken.

I'm so empty, and so alone. I love this girl with all of my heart, yet I feel like I barely know her anymore. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.

We barely talk, and occasionally see each other; and usually I'm the one who initiates any contact. Is she only in my life for me at this point? Does she want to be in my life anymore? 

I hate that she doesn't care about me the way I care about her. I hate that she's not in love with me, and wanting to be with me. It's very difficult to accept. It's heartbreaking.

I understand a lot of where she's coming from, but it doesn't remove the pain. The emptiness. The frustration. The heartbreak. 

She's young, and wants to be young, and to live that young lifestyle. To party, hang out with friends, meet other guys, have fun. It's all perfectly normal feelings, and I do understand them. I felt that same way when I was her age too. It's just very hard being in my position of it now. I'm trying to let her live her life now, and accept that I'm not who I want to be in her life anymore. I'm trying to be silent, and sit on the sidelines while she lives her life, and to not ask too many questions. 

It still drives my mind crazy with thoughts, and emotions. My jealousy envelopes me. I need to get my jealousy under control. I know she's going to meet other guys. I know there are better guys out there than me. But I have to be proud of who I am, and know what we had. If she comes back, I'll know it was real. She is not my girlfriend, and it is perfectly normal for her to see other people.

I am so stressed out beyond belief. This is the most stressed out I've probably ever been, and I'm having to go through it all alone. The time that I need her here most, she's gone. 

Financial stress, work stress, school stress, emotional stress, and I'm all alone. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't just call her when I want to call her. I hate that I can't just text her when I want to text her. I hate that she's not my best friend anymore. 

I'll always love her, no matter what. I know she's not trying to hurt me. She's not being malicious. She's been nothing but honest with me about her feelings, and what she's doing from the beginning. I just don't know how long I can be here for her, and not be with her.

Friends

30 Days to a Better Man Day 7: Reconnect with an Old Friend

Yesterday's challenge for Day 7 of 30 Days to a Better Man, was Reconnect with an Old Friend. I'm loosely going off of this one. I'm reconnecting with some friends that I already am friends with, that aren't as close as I'd like them to be.

I've always put my relationships before my friendships, and not made friendships a priority in my life. I need to make the friendships in my life a priority, and not let a relationship be an excuse to lose contact with them. Relationships are amazing, but they can't be my only focus when I'm in them. I must have other friends as well, whether I'm in a relationship, or single. She is not the reason that my friendships weren't a priority, and she always encouraged me to go see my friends; I just never did. I'm the one to blame.

Friendships are important to have in your life, with people of both sexes. Some are meant to be best friends, while others are meant to be casual friends. Either way, friendships are an important part of life. They're fun to spend time with, and great to talk to when you have a problem and need advice.

Once I get my tax refund next week, I should be able to see my friends more frequently. I've been really strapped financially lately, and haven't been able to afford to go out. So with my tax refund, and proper budgeting, I'll be able to go out and see them occassionally. I really look forward to hanging out with my friends more often, and building those frienships again.

I didn't think this one was necessary to reconnect with some long lost childhood friend. Didn't really think of any long lost childhood friends to reconnect with, other than the few that I'm currently friends with that I want in my life more.

By the end of the year, I want to have more close friendships.