Day 24: Over and Over

I don't really know what else to say today, other than listen to this song.

Day 18: Heartbreak

Heartbroken. Empty. Alone. Hurting. Crying. Broken.

I'm so empty, and so alone. I love this girl with all of my heart, yet I feel like I barely know her anymore. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.

We barely talk, and occasionally see each other; and usually I'm the one who initiates any contact. Is she only in my life for me at this point? Does she want to be in my life anymore? 

I hate that she doesn't care about me the way I care about her. I hate that she's not in love with me, and wanting to be with me. It's very difficult to accept. It's heartbreaking.

I understand a lot of where she's coming from, but it doesn't remove the pain. The emptiness. The frustration. The heartbreak. 

She's young, and wants to be young, and to live that young lifestyle. To party, hang out with friends, meet other guys, have fun. It's all perfectly normal feelings, and I do understand them. I felt that same way when I was her age too. It's just very hard being in my position of it now. I'm trying to let her live her life now, and accept that I'm not who I want to be in her life anymore. I'm trying to be silent, and sit on the sidelines while she lives her life, and to not ask too many questions. 

It still drives my mind crazy with thoughts, and emotions. My jealousy envelopes me. I need to get my jealousy under control. I know she's going to meet other guys. I know there are better guys out there than me. But I have to be proud of who I am, and know what we had. If she comes back, I'll know it was real. She is not my girlfriend, and it is perfectly normal for her to see other people.

I am so stressed out beyond belief. This is the most stressed out I've probably ever been, and I'm having to go through it all alone. The time that I need her here most, she's gone. 

Financial stress, work stress, school stress, emotional stress, and I'm all alone. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't just call her when I want to call her. I hate that I can't just text her when I want to text her. I hate that she's not my best friend anymore. 

I'll always love her, no matter what. I know she's not trying to hurt me. She's not being malicious. She's been nothing but honest with me about her feelings, and what she's doing from the beginning. I just don't know how long I can be here for her, and not be with her.

Day 11: Happiness

"And I drive to the edge of my considerate plain And I apologize to the people I hurt on the way But I, I wipe the slate clean I kick the daydream...."

I must find an independent happiness, deep within me. I must learn to be happy, regardless of whether I have someone to share it with or not. I need to learn, that happiness does not require anyone else, but it welcomes it. I cannot offer my whole self to someone, and give everything to someone, until I can be happy with myself, and love myself. You cannot love another, until you can love yourself. I have to love me. I have to be happy.

Happiness is life. Happiness is not a destination, it's a journey.

If I can learn to be independently happy, then it will help me much more, when I'm in a relationship. I need this independence. I need this freedom. Happiness needs to remain, regardless of the stresses and pitfalls of life. Road bumps happen, sometimes things go perfect, sometimes they go horribly wrong, but I must maintain peace and happiness.

It's not about ignoring what goes wrong, but more of accepting them, and learning that it's all part of life. The bad helps you enjoy the good. The good helps you dream of greatness. It's all achievable. It starts with putting a smile on your face, and thinking positively.

Yes, I lost my girlfriend, and my bestfriend; but it is not the end of the world. It is just a lesson of life, and a challenge that I must face on my own. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. As hard as it is too look forward, and to get over this, I must do it. I cannot sit here and wallow in self pity, cry, and whine. It isn't getting me anywhere, and is only deterring me from progressing and bettering myself. I cannot let my heartbreak distract me.

While I still love her, and I am holding on to hope, that in the end she will return; I must focus on me. Keep a clear, and strong focus on me, and what I want to be, and how I'm going to get there.

Positivity, and happiness, will help me achieve my goals, and get me what I want most in life. Sadness and self pity, is only going to hinder my chances of reaching out for success. Life will pass me by before I know it, if I don't focus.

I'm working on happy. I'm working on me.

Day 9: Goodbye

There's nothing good about goodbye.

 Last night, I finally decided that I cannot see her anymore. It is unhealthy, for her, and for me. It is not fair to either of us. We both want to see each other for different reasons, and it's not right.

At this point I cannot be her friend. I care about her, and I love her, with everything inside of me. This is not me giving up. This is me being strong. This is me doing what I feel is best. This is me loving her, and doing what's best for her, and for me. This is what's best for us as well, as I know I've just been pushing her further and further away by always pressuring her about us. I have to let her go, before she's forced to go.

She'll never know if she misses me, if I don't ever give her the chance to actually have to miss me. Will she think of me when I'm not there? Will she wish that I was around? I told her I can talk and text with her, but that I cannot see her. It's not fair to me, or fair to her. I keep bringing her down, and she keeps bringing me down. We're both hurting each other.

I don't want to hurt her anymore, and I don't want her to hurt me anymore. I'm sick of fighting with her, and getting upset about stupid meaningless things. I'm tired of being too sensitive, and crying every day when I hear her voice. I'm tired of hoping, and waiting to see her each day. It's not healthy. I'm tired of getting excited every time my phone vibrates, hoping it's a text or call from  her.

I had to say goodbye. It was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I know it's going to get harder as time goes. I do miss her, and I do want to see her, but I can't. I have to live with that. It is what it is. Sometimes the hardest decision, is the best decision. If a decision is easy, you're probably doing it wrong. Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled. Sometimes you have to be alone, to learn how to live.

I had lost a little bit of focus lately, focusing too much on her still, and not on me. I am serious about wanting to focus on me, and bettering myself, both for her and for me. I must focus on that now. Better me. For me. For her. For love. I have to learn to be happy on my own, I have to learn to be me alone. I have to learn to love myself, for who I am. I can't give myself to her, or anyone until I can do that.

I hope that one day, I can see her again, and she can see the new me, the better me. A true gentleman, that's happy, that has things together, and is going places. That's who I want to be.

Her beauty is raw, and wild, I will always love her. There's nothing that can change that.

Goodbye was not easy, but it was what was best for her, and for me. I love you, and I hope to see you again.  I'll be missing you.

If you love someone, set them free.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

I know we are not together, and that she does not want to be with me right now. But we both know we still love each other and care about each other. We've made a pact to be completely honest with each other. If something happens the other should know about, we tell them. Even if we know it's going to hurt them, they still need to know.

Last night, she told me she kissed a guy at her graduation party on Saturday night. Yes I'm still talking about the graduation party.

It really drove the stake in to my heart, especially that she told me in a text message. I suspected it all along, and I knew something had happened, but I was waiting for her to tell me. I'm glad she was honest with me and told me. When I dropped off our dog in the morning on Sunday, she was sitting in her garage at a table with the guy that she had kissed. I walked in there, and saw her sitting there with him and some other people at the table. I hadn't ever met this guy before. I knew it wasn't good news.

It was just a "I'm drunk, my friends dared us to" kiss. A peck. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

I'm not mad at her. She can do what she wants, and if she wants to kiss other people, make out with other people, date other people, then so be it. But I can't say it won't hurt, and that I won't cry. It hurts like hell.

She texted me at work yesterday and told me this just before I left. I literally wanted to puke when I read it. I thought I was going to. Luckily I didn't. I don't know why I care so much, why I let these things bother me, and it's really dumb, but I do.

It didn't help either, knowing that the kiss, was with her friend that has a crush on her. After the kiss, she said he was trying to be clingy, trying to hold her hand and things. Like it was more than just a kiss to him, because it was, because he has feelings for her. It makes me sick to imagine where this could be going. 2 weeks ago he got her number. They've been texting pretty regularly back and forth. Disgusts me to think that while we've been having conversations, that she's sitting there texting him in the middle of it too. Ouch.

She also said that it makes her happy, and feels good to talk to someone new. It's an ego booster. It sucks. Kinda makes me want to go talk to someone too, but that wouldn't be right, and it'd be for the wrong reasons. I don't want to talk to someone out of vengeance, hurt, or anger. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I want to talk to her.

Was I never good enough?

She then tried to compare her kissing someone at her party, to me talking to my ex girlfriend briefly in a text message on Sunday. I was talking to my ex to ask her what she thought about my anger. Trying to get more information, for me, to better myself. More input, from someone that knew me pretty well, that has seen my anger. I felt guilty for even talking to her when I was talking to her, and then her comparing it to a kiss, made me feel even worse.

The night of her party, she also made out with 2 of her girlfriends. One of them, she said she really enjoyed making out with. Which she found unusual, because she doesn't normally like making out with anyone. Never has. We rarely made out. Why not?

No matter how much you prepare yourself for something, and tell yourself it's going to be okay, when it actually happens it still hurts like hell. I knew a kiss was going to happen eventually, just didn't expect it to be at her graduation party, or for it to be a drunken kiss. I guess it's better that it was, at least it wasn't a romantic date kiss.

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

When a heart breaks it don't breakeven. I got time, while she got freedom.