Room to make her big mistakes..." Dixie Chicks
Today it finally hit me dead in the face. I'm doing everything wrong if I ever want her in my life again.
I can't continue to smother her with love, begging, pleading, crying, or guilt tripping. It will never work that way. If she ever wants to be in my life again, it has to be her choice. That's the way it has to be. I can't change the way she feels, or make her do what I want her to do. Ultimately I only want her to do what she wants to do, and what makes her happy. I have to back off.
I have to let her know that I am here for her, but that I can live without her, and that I am fine.
I have to give her room to breathe, wide open space. To let her do what she wants to do. I can't continue to bombard her with questions, and feelings. It's only pushing her further and further away each day over and over again. That will never make her come back to me, or even want to be friends with me.
Giving her space, and also giving myself space to heal. Taking this time to focus on me, and my happiness, and bettering myself. It's been 23 days since I started this blog, and nearly 2 months since we broke up. I do feel like I'm headed in the right direction, but I'm still not where I want to be. I want there to be a change in me, that she can see, and that anyone can see that truly knows me.
What she does every minute of her day does not concern me. I do not need to know everything, and I do not need to talk to her every day. I need to just be me, and to stop worrying and focusing so much on her; it's only distracting me from working and focusing on ME.
If there is something I need to know, or she wants to see me, or wants to talk to me; I'm sure she will let me know. She already knows how I feel about her, and that I miss her like hell. I don't need to tell her that every day. I don't need to pour my heart out to her anymore. She already knows everything, and I've told her time and time again. I don't need to ask her to hang out, I don't need to text her, I don't need to call her. The ball is in her court. I don't need to constantly bombard her, and shove everything in her face. It's only making her miserable too, and making her feel guilty. She has nothing to feel guilty for.
We all just need a little room to breathe.
I cannot be a stage 5 cling on.
Leave her be. Let her do what she wants to do.
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