This is a public confession, of something I did yesterday, that I am not proud of. Something that was very rude, and definitely crossed the line. It was border line crazy, and stalker like.
Yesterday morning, I hacked into her cell phone account online. I did it, because I know she texts that other guy, and jealousy over came me, and I went a bit crazy about it, and I had to see how much they were texting. I got nothing out of it, and it actually made me feel worse after doing it, because then I really could see clearly how often they text. Sometimes for hours on end, sometimes just a few texts back and forth. Not every day, like she said. She had already told me everything that I could see here.
Why did I have to go in, and violate her trust like that? Why did I allow my jealousy to overcome me and make such an impulsive decision?
I then told her friend what I had done, and told her I was going to tell her later in the day after she got out of work. I told her friend, that I was going to stop asking 'her' about him, as it is honestly none of my business, and it doesn't do many any good. Her friend got a hold of her before me, and told her what I did. I should have known that her friend would do that; any true friend would, and should. I don't blame her friend for telling her. I wish I would have gotten to tell her first though.
She trusted me with her passwords, and personal information. I abused that trust. I violated her privacy, for what? To find out, what she'd already told me. What a jerk. What she does, who she talks to, where she goes; is honestly none of my business anymore. We are not together; she is not my girlfriend, and she's not even my best friend anymore; so it is definitely not my business. An apology wouldn't even be suffice. What I did was wrong, and I knew it.
I haven't talked to her since yesterday. Today has been a pretty silent day to me. Silence is good. I need to learn to be silent, and to not do impulsive crazy/stalker like things.
Why do I always let myself down, and those around me; just when I think I'm doing so well and trying to focus on me? I'm a failure. Can people ever really change? I've tried it so many times, and failed at it; that I'm not sure if I really believe we can or not. I'm such a mess. I can clearly see why she's not my girlfriend, and why I lack close friendships.
I have a long, long road ahead of me.
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