Day 24: Over and Over

I don't really know what else to say today, other than listen to this song.

Day 18: Heartbreak

Heartbroken. Empty. Alone. Hurting. Crying. Broken.

I'm so empty, and so alone. I love this girl with all of my heart, yet I feel like I barely know her anymore. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.

We barely talk, and occasionally see each other; and usually I'm the one who initiates any contact. Is she only in my life for me at this point? Does she want to be in my life anymore? 

I hate that she doesn't care about me the way I care about her. I hate that she's not in love with me, and wanting to be with me. It's very difficult to accept. It's heartbreaking.

I understand a lot of where she's coming from, but it doesn't remove the pain. The emptiness. The frustration. The heartbreak. 

She's young, and wants to be young, and to live that young lifestyle. To party, hang out with friends, meet other guys, have fun. It's all perfectly normal feelings, and I do understand them. I felt that same way when I was her age too. It's just very hard being in my position of it now. I'm trying to let her live her life now, and accept that I'm not who I want to be in her life anymore. I'm trying to be silent, and sit on the sidelines while she lives her life, and to not ask too many questions. 

It still drives my mind crazy with thoughts, and emotions. My jealousy envelopes me. I need to get my jealousy under control. I know she's going to meet other guys. I know there are better guys out there than me. But I have to be proud of who I am, and know what we had. If she comes back, I'll know it was real. She is not my girlfriend, and it is perfectly normal for her to see other people.

I am so stressed out beyond belief. This is the most stressed out I've probably ever been, and I'm having to go through it all alone. The time that I need her here most, she's gone. 

Financial stress, work stress, school stress, emotional stress, and I'm all alone. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't just call her when I want to call her. I hate that I can't just text her when I want to text her. I hate that she's not my best friend anymore. 

I'll always love her, no matter what. I know she's not trying to hurt me. She's not being malicious. She's been nothing but honest with me about her feelings, and what she's doing from the beginning. I just don't know how long I can be here for her, and not be with her.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

I know we are not together, and that she does not want to be with me right now. But we both know we still love each other and care about each other. We've made a pact to be completely honest with each other. If something happens the other should know about, we tell them. Even if we know it's going to hurt them, they still need to know.

Last night, she told me she kissed a guy at her graduation party on Saturday night. Yes I'm still talking about the graduation party.

It really drove the stake in to my heart, especially that she told me in a text message. I suspected it all along, and I knew something had happened, but I was waiting for her to tell me. I'm glad she was honest with me and told me. When I dropped off our dog in the morning on Sunday, she was sitting in her garage at a table with the guy that she had kissed. I walked in there, and saw her sitting there with him and some other people at the table. I hadn't ever met this guy before. I knew it wasn't good news.

It was just a "I'm drunk, my friends dared us to" kiss. A peck. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

I'm not mad at her. She can do what she wants, and if she wants to kiss other people, make out with other people, date other people, then so be it. But I can't say it won't hurt, and that I won't cry. It hurts like hell.

She texted me at work yesterday and told me this just before I left. I literally wanted to puke when I read it. I thought I was going to. Luckily I didn't. I don't know why I care so much, why I let these things bother me, and it's really dumb, but I do.

It didn't help either, knowing that the kiss, was with her friend that has a crush on her. After the kiss, she said he was trying to be clingy, trying to hold her hand and things. Like it was more than just a kiss to him, because it was, because he has feelings for her. It makes me sick to imagine where this could be going. 2 weeks ago he got her number. They've been texting pretty regularly back and forth. Disgusts me to think that while we've been having conversations, that she's sitting there texting him in the middle of it too. Ouch.

She also said that it makes her happy, and feels good to talk to someone new. It's an ego booster. It sucks. Kinda makes me want to go talk to someone too, but that wouldn't be right, and it'd be for the wrong reasons. I don't want to talk to someone out of vengeance, hurt, or anger. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I want to talk to her.

Was I never good enough?

She then tried to compare her kissing someone at her party, to me talking to my ex girlfriend briefly in a text message on Sunday. I was talking to my ex to ask her what she thought about my anger. Trying to get more information, for me, to better myself. More input, from someone that knew me pretty well, that has seen my anger. I felt guilty for even talking to her when I was talking to her, and then her comparing it to a kiss, made me feel even worse.

The night of her party, she also made out with 2 of her girlfriends. One of them, she said she really enjoyed making out with. Which she found unusual, because she doesn't normally like making out with anyone. Never has. We rarely made out. Why not?

No matter how much you prepare yourself for something, and tell yourself it's going to be okay, when it actually happens it still hurts like hell. I knew a kiss was going to happen eventually, just didn't expect it to be at her graduation party, or for it to be a drunken kiss. I guess it's better that it was, at least it wasn't a romantic date kiss.

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

When a heart breaks it don't breakeven. I got time, while she got freedom.