A Kiss is Just a Kiss

I know we are not together, and that she does not want to be with me right now. But we both know we still love each other and care about each other. We've made a pact to be completely honest with each other. If something happens the other should know about, we tell them. Even if we know it's going to hurt them, they still need to know.

Last night, she told me she kissed a guy at her graduation party on Saturday night. Yes I'm still talking about the graduation party.

It really drove the stake in to my heart, especially that she told me in a text message. I suspected it all along, and I knew something had happened, but I was waiting for her to tell me. I'm glad she was honest with me and told me. When I dropped off our dog in the morning on Sunday, she was sitting in her garage at a table with the guy that she had kissed. I walked in there, and saw her sitting there with him and some other people at the table. I hadn't ever met this guy before. I knew it wasn't good news.

It was just a "I'm drunk, my friends dared us to" kiss. A peck. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

I'm not mad at her. She can do what she wants, and if she wants to kiss other people, make out with other people, date other people, then so be it. But I can't say it won't hurt, and that I won't cry. It hurts like hell.

She texted me at work yesterday and told me this just before I left. I literally wanted to puke when I read it. I thought I was going to. Luckily I didn't. I don't know why I care so much, why I let these things bother me, and it's really dumb, but I do.

It didn't help either, knowing that the kiss, was with her friend that has a crush on her. After the kiss, she said he was trying to be clingy, trying to hold her hand and things. Like it was more than just a kiss to him, because it was, because he has feelings for her. It makes me sick to imagine where this could be going. 2 weeks ago he got her number. They've been texting pretty regularly back and forth. Disgusts me to think that while we've been having conversations, that she's sitting there texting him in the middle of it too. Ouch.

She also said that it makes her happy, and feels good to talk to someone new. It's an ego booster. It sucks. Kinda makes me want to go talk to someone too, but that wouldn't be right, and it'd be for the wrong reasons. I don't want to talk to someone out of vengeance, hurt, or anger. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I want to talk to her.

Was I never good enough?

She then tried to compare her kissing someone at her party, to me talking to my ex girlfriend briefly in a text message on Sunday. I was talking to my ex to ask her what she thought about my anger. Trying to get more information, for me, to better myself. More input, from someone that knew me pretty well, that has seen my anger. I felt guilty for even talking to her when I was talking to her, and then her comparing it to a kiss, made me feel even worse.

The night of her party, she also made out with 2 of her girlfriends. One of them, she said she really enjoyed making out with. Which she found unusual, because she doesn't normally like making out with anyone. Never has. We rarely made out. Why not?

No matter how much you prepare yourself for something, and tell yourself it's going to be okay, when it actually happens it still hurts like hell. I knew a kiss was going to happen eventually, just didn't expect it to be at her graduation party, or for it to be a drunken kiss. I guess it's better that it was, at least it wasn't a romantic date kiss.

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

When a heart breaks it don't breakeven. I got time, while she got freedom.