Day 18: Heartbreak

Heartbroken. Empty. Alone. Hurting. Crying. Broken.

I'm so empty, and so alone. I love this girl with all of my heart, yet I feel like I barely know her anymore. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.

We barely talk, and occasionally see each other; and usually I'm the one who initiates any contact. Is she only in my life for me at this point? Does she want to be in my life anymore? 

I hate that she doesn't care about me the way I care about her. I hate that she's not in love with me, and wanting to be with me. It's very difficult to accept. It's heartbreaking.

I understand a lot of where she's coming from, but it doesn't remove the pain. The emptiness. The frustration. The heartbreak. 

She's young, and wants to be young, and to live that young lifestyle. To party, hang out with friends, meet other guys, have fun. It's all perfectly normal feelings, and I do understand them. I felt that same way when I was her age too. It's just very hard being in my position of it now. I'm trying to let her live her life now, and accept that I'm not who I want to be in her life anymore. I'm trying to be silent, and sit on the sidelines while she lives her life, and to not ask too many questions. 

It still drives my mind crazy with thoughts, and emotions. My jealousy envelopes me. I need to get my jealousy under control. I know she's going to meet other guys. I know there are better guys out there than me. But I have to be proud of who I am, and know what we had. If she comes back, I'll know it was real. She is not my girlfriend, and it is perfectly normal for her to see other people.

I am so stressed out beyond belief. This is the most stressed out I've probably ever been, and I'm having to go through it all alone. The time that I need her here most, she's gone. 

Financial stress, work stress, school stress, emotional stress, and I'm all alone. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't just call her when I want to call her. I hate that I can't just text her when I want to text her. I hate that she's not my best friend anymore. 

I'll always love her, no matter what. I know she's not trying to hurt me. She's not being malicious. She's been nothing but honest with me about her feelings, and what she's doing from the beginning. I just don't know how long I can be here for her, and not be with her.

Day 16: Confession

Why is the person we disappoint the most in life, always ourself?

This is a public confession, of something I did yesterday, that I am not proud of. Something that was very rude, and definitely crossed the line. It was border line crazy, and stalker like.

Yesterday morning, I hacked into her cell phone account online. I did it, because I know she texts that other guy, and jealousy over came me, and I went a bit crazy about it, and I had to see how much they were texting. I got nothing out of it, and it actually made me feel worse after doing it, because then I really could see clearly how often they text. Sometimes for hours on end, sometimes just a few texts back and forth. Not every day, like she said. She had already told me everything that I could see here.

Why did I have to go in, and violate her trust like that? Why did I allow my jealousy to overcome me and make such an impulsive decision?

I then told her friend what I had done, and told her I was going to tell her later in the day after she got out of work. I told her friend, that I was going to stop asking 'her' about him, as it is honestly none of my business, and it doesn't do many any good. Her friend got a hold of her before me, and told her what I did. I should have known that her friend would do that; any true friend would, and should. I don't blame her friend for telling her. I wish I would have gotten to tell her first though.

She trusted me with her passwords, and personal information. I abused that trust. I violated her privacy, for what? To find out, what she'd already told me. What a jerk. What she does, who she talks to, where she goes; is honestly none of my business anymore. We are not together; she is not my girlfriend, and she's not even my best friend anymore; so it is definitely not my business. An apology wouldn't even be suffice. What I did was wrong, and I knew it.

I haven't talked to her since yesterday. Today has been a pretty silent day to me. Silence is good. I need to learn to be silent, and to not do impulsive crazy/stalker like things.

Why do I always let myself down, and those around me; just when I think I'm doing so well and trying to focus on me? I'm a failure. Can people ever really change? I've tried it so many times, and failed at it; that I'm not sure if I really believe we can or not. I'm such a mess. I can clearly see why she's not my girlfriend, and why I lack close friendships.

I have a long, long road ahead of me.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

I know we are not together, and that she does not want to be with me right now. But we both know we still love each other and care about each other. We've made a pact to be completely honest with each other. If something happens the other should know about, we tell them. Even if we know it's going to hurt them, they still need to know.

Last night, she told me she kissed a guy at her graduation party on Saturday night. Yes I'm still talking about the graduation party.

It really drove the stake in to my heart, especially that she told me in a text message. I suspected it all along, and I knew something had happened, but I was waiting for her to tell me. I'm glad she was honest with me and told me. When I dropped off our dog in the morning on Sunday, she was sitting in her garage at a table with the guy that she had kissed. I walked in there, and saw her sitting there with him and some other people at the table. I hadn't ever met this guy before. I knew it wasn't good news.

It was just a "I'm drunk, my friends dared us to" kiss. A peck. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

I'm not mad at her. She can do what she wants, and if she wants to kiss other people, make out with other people, date other people, then so be it. But I can't say it won't hurt, and that I won't cry. It hurts like hell.

She texted me at work yesterday and told me this just before I left. I literally wanted to puke when I read it. I thought I was going to. Luckily I didn't. I don't know why I care so much, why I let these things bother me, and it's really dumb, but I do.

It didn't help either, knowing that the kiss, was with her friend that has a crush on her. After the kiss, she said he was trying to be clingy, trying to hold her hand and things. Like it was more than just a kiss to him, because it was, because he has feelings for her. It makes me sick to imagine where this could be going. 2 weeks ago he got her number. They've been texting pretty regularly back and forth. Disgusts me to think that while we've been having conversations, that she's sitting there texting him in the middle of it too. Ouch.

She also said that it makes her happy, and feels good to talk to someone new. It's an ego booster. It sucks. Kinda makes me want to go talk to someone too, but that wouldn't be right, and it'd be for the wrong reasons. I don't want to talk to someone out of vengeance, hurt, or anger. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I want to talk to her.

Was I never good enough?

She then tried to compare her kissing someone at her party, to me talking to my ex girlfriend briefly in a text message on Sunday. I was talking to my ex to ask her what she thought about my anger. Trying to get more information, for me, to better myself. More input, from someone that knew me pretty well, that has seen my anger. I felt guilty for even talking to her when I was talking to her, and then her comparing it to a kiss, made me feel even worse.

The night of her party, she also made out with 2 of her girlfriends. One of them, she said she really enjoyed making out with. Which she found unusual, because she doesn't normally like making out with anyone. Never has. We rarely made out. Why not?

No matter how much you prepare yourself for something, and tell yourself it's going to be okay, when it actually happens it still hurts like hell. I knew a kiss was going to happen eventually, just didn't expect it to be at her graduation party, or for it to be a drunken kiss. I guess it's better that it was, at least it wasn't a romantic date kiss.

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

When a heart breaks it don't breakeven. I got time, while she got freedom.

Day 7: Stage 5 Clinger

I habitually text her too much. I bug her too much.

I need to stop texting her so often. She is my best friend, and we do text each other a lot, and have a lot of conversations in text. But, I do not need to talk to her constantly throughout the day. I don't need to be a stage 5 clinger. It's pathetic. Every time I get bored, I don't have to text her, and I shouldn't. It's annoying. Texting isn't bad, but overly bugging someone with it is rude

Resist from telling her every dumb thought and emotion that I go through. She does not need to be bothered. If I have something I must say to her, save it. Tell her later, in real conversation or wait until she texts me. If she wants to talk to me, she'll call or text me. If she doesn't, than it's probably best to leave her be. Let her enjoy her day, let her live her life. Give her space.

If she does call me, wants to talk, or texts me, don't assume that it's the opportunity and time to ask her to hang out. We all know what happens when we 'assume', we make an 'ass out of you and me'. We don't have to see each other every day, and we shouldn't, especially under the current circumstances.  Let her do what she wants to do, without making her feel guilty. Respect her, give her space. Let her be.

If she wants to hang out with me, great. If she doesn't, that's okay too. If she wants to hang out, I'm sure she'll let me know. I don't have to ask her every single day. If she doesn't ask to hang out, then she obviously doesn't want to. Her not wanting to hang out, does not excuse me to be a asshole, or give her grief about it either. We are just friends. I cannot expect her to want to hang out with me. I must understand and accept that she doesn't always want to hang out with me. I cannot let myself take that personally. I must let her do what she wants to do.

Anger

I have one major problem. My anger. It envelopes me. I have to attack the source of my anger.

It is deep down within me. It is not the situations that I get in to, or what other people do that makes me angry. It is my own self. I let myself get angry. It is often fueled by my emotions, and jealousy. I'm too sensitive. I let myself get angry. Anger is just an unacceptable excuse to be rude, and take things out on people, when I'm really just trying to make myself feel better. Making myself feel better, by making you feel like dirt. Real mature, real nice. I often blame my ADD, for my anger, and I'm sure it is part of the source of my anger as well, but it is not an excuse. I cannot continue to look for something to blame. I am the source of my problems.

I'm not happy with who I am. I'm not happy with my career. I'm not happy with my life. I take this out on other people, and blame them for it, by masking myself with anger. You looked at me the wrong way, you don't agree with me, you don't want the same things I want, you don't want to hang out with me (why would you, I'm an agry asshole?), so I'm angry at you. This means I get to scream at you, and treat you like dirt. I'm broke, I'm under a lot of stress, I hate my job, I hate that I'm on a wait list for Nursing school, and so I take it out on you.

I must learn to accept myself, and to be happy with where I'm at in life right now. I can't take it out on others, that I'm unhappy, and I shouldn't be unhappy. My life is not where I ultimately want to be, but I am working on getting there, and I have a plan. I just need to be patient. Things will work themself out. Once I'm in the Nursing program, things will go much better, and then once I'm actually a Nurse it'll get even better.

Let's now get to specifics, about what sets my anger off.

• When people are critical of me. I get my feelings hurt. I take it out as anger.
• When someone doesn't do what I want, I get selfish, and then my anger comes out.
• When you don't want to hang out with me, I get jealous of what you're doing, which is very selfish, and obsessive, and then I get angry.
• When I feel that my feelings are being betrayed. I'm being overly sensitive most of the time, and then I get angry.
• When someone breaks plans with me. I get selfish, and expect too much out of people. I get angry and take it out on them.
• When someone lies to me, or hides something from me. My trust is broken, and I get angry.

Most of these reasons are NOT rational reasons to get angry at all. 99% of the time, I'm over reacting, being irrational and too sensitive. Jealousy and feelings are two things that often fuel my rage, and if I can stop being so sensitive ALL the time, it would really help resolve this irrational rage that I go into.

These are all just excuses for my anger. Unacceptable excuses. Anger is not acceptable. Jealousy is not acceptable. If I dont' get my anger, jealousy and sensitivity under control, I'll never be able to be in a relationship again.

My anger is the biggest reason that she left me. It's cost me what I love most in this world. My love. My everything. It was too much for her, and far too often.

The rare times that it is rational to get angry about something, I must learn to control how I channel it. I must learn to talk calmly and express my feelings approrpriately. No screaming. No name calling. No swearing. No putting the other person down. And this must be done in private, directly with the person involved, no one else around.

Challenging myself to learn to limit my anger, jealousy, sensitivy, and selfishness. If it is a rational time to be angry, or jealous, or sensitive, learn to channel it appropriately. Focus on self control, and personal responsibility for my actions. Acting rational. Thinking  of others before I act.