Should I Go?

This Saturday is her college graduation party. She has invited me, but made it clear that she only wants me there as a friend, and that I am not welcome to come if I am going to cause any problems.

Part of me really, really wants to go. For many reasons. She's my best friend.  I feel like if I don't go, I'm missing an important day in her life, that I'd like to be part of, and I want to celebrate this special day with her. I also wish I could be there as her boyfriend, which is not an option, and is an inappropriate reason to want to be there. I wish I could go, and celebrate with her, see her family, be comfortable, and then party with her family and friends. That's really not likely though. Also I'd like to go for her, because I feel that if I don't go, she's going to feel horrible that I didn't come, because she knows that I want to.

The complications. It's been more than a month now since she left me. Her family knows we are not together, her friends know we are not together. If I go, I feel like, I'd look desperate, and like a fool being there. They know she doesn't want to be with me, I know she doesn't want to be with me. So why would I be there? I'd feel awkward around her friends and her family. Her friends are great, and I know they would be nice to me, and socialize with me, but still it'd be uncomfortable. But sometimes life is uncomfortable, and you have to put your big boy pants on, and tough it out.

Now the flip side. Why I shouldn't go, she's concerned I could end up being a problem. I don't want to make her worry whatsoever. It'd be selfish, and rude for me to go. I want this to be her special day, and I want her to have a GREAT time. I want her to be able to celebrate, and have a blast, with no drama. I want it to be a great memory for her, her special day. Maybe I shouldn't be a part of that memory. I don't want her to worry about me not being there either though. I want her to just have a great time. I know that I have anger problems, and I have had many outbursts, where I've completely lost control.

I go into a rage. It's never gotten physical, it's completely verbal. I have a loud voice to begin with, and it just goes up to max volume. I'm an embarrassment, to myself, and all of those around me when this happens. The chance of that happening at her party? I don't know how likely it is to happen. I've promised her, and myself many times that I won't scream again, I won't lose control; and every time I relapse into rage, completely forgetting that I just promised both of us. It's inexcusable, and it CANNOT happen again, ever, with anyone, under any circumstance. I am working on that, but I don't want to have a relapse, especially at something so special, and so important to her. With all of her family, and all of her friends to witness it.

I know if it happens again, she will be out of my life.

I love her, and I am done ruining her life, and making her miserable. I want her to be happy. I want her to be the girl that she was when I met her.

Should I go? Or should I just stay home? Should I just stop in, to say congratulations and then go? Or should I just not go at all, and let her have her day to her self? What is best for her, not me?