Anger

I have one major problem. My anger. It envelopes me. I have to attack the source of my anger.

It is deep down within me. It is not the situations that I get in to, or what other people do that makes me angry. It is my own self. I let myself get angry. It is often fueled by my emotions, and jealousy. I'm too sensitive. I let myself get angry. Anger is just an unacceptable excuse to be rude, and take things out on people, when I'm really just trying to make myself feel better. Making myself feel better, by making you feel like dirt. Real mature, real nice. I often blame my ADD, for my anger, and I'm sure it is part of the source of my anger as well, but it is not an excuse. I cannot continue to look for something to blame. I am the source of my problems.

I'm not happy with who I am. I'm not happy with my career. I'm not happy with my life. I take this out on other people, and blame them for it, by masking myself with anger. You looked at me the wrong way, you don't agree with me, you don't want the same things I want, you don't want to hang out with me (why would you, I'm an agry asshole?), so I'm angry at you. This means I get to scream at you, and treat you like dirt. I'm broke, I'm under a lot of stress, I hate my job, I hate that I'm on a wait list for Nursing school, and so I take it out on you.

I must learn to accept myself, and to be happy with where I'm at in life right now. I can't take it out on others, that I'm unhappy, and I shouldn't be unhappy. My life is not where I ultimately want to be, but I am working on getting there, and I have a plan. I just need to be patient. Things will work themself out. Once I'm in the Nursing program, things will go much better, and then once I'm actually a Nurse it'll get even better.

Let's now get to specifics, about what sets my anger off.

• When people are critical of me. I get my feelings hurt. I take it out as anger.
• When someone doesn't do what I want, I get selfish, and then my anger comes out.
• When you don't want to hang out with me, I get jealous of what you're doing, which is very selfish, and obsessive, and then I get angry.
• When I feel that my feelings are being betrayed. I'm being overly sensitive most of the time, and then I get angry.
• When someone breaks plans with me. I get selfish, and expect too much out of people. I get angry and take it out on them.
• When someone lies to me, or hides something from me. My trust is broken, and I get angry.

Most of these reasons are NOT rational reasons to get angry at all. 99% of the time, I'm over reacting, being irrational and too sensitive. Jealousy and feelings are two things that often fuel my rage, and if I can stop being so sensitive ALL the time, it would really help resolve this irrational rage that I go into.

These are all just excuses for my anger. Unacceptable excuses. Anger is not acceptable. Jealousy is not acceptable. If I dont' get my anger, jealousy and sensitivity under control, I'll never be able to be in a relationship again.

My anger is the biggest reason that she left me. It's cost me what I love most in this world. My love. My everything. It was too much for her, and far too often.

The rare times that it is rational to get angry about something, I must learn to control how I channel it. I must learn to talk calmly and express my feelings approrpriately. No screaming. No name calling. No swearing. No putting the other person down. And this must be done in private, directly with the person involved, no one else around.

Challenging myself to learn to limit my anger, jealousy, sensitivy, and selfishness. If it is a rational time to be angry, or jealous, or sensitive, learn to channel it appropriately. Focus on self control, and personal responsibility for my actions. Acting rational. Thinking  of others before I act.