Have you ever woken up and realized you're the epitome of everything you hate in this world? Your own arch nemesis? That's where I am this morning.
I am disgusted with myself. I hate who I am. I am an ugly person.
I don't know when I became this person, was I always this person? Was this my fate and destiny? Can a person really truly change anything about themself? Is personal will strong enough to change? I'd like to believe that I can. I've been trying for the longest time, but it doesn't seem I'm trying hard enough.
Last night I asked her if she thought she's noticed a change in my behaviors and actions. Her response was No that she hasn't noticed a change, but that she can tell that I'm making an effort to try. I have to agree with her. I wish I had a camera recording my behavior, so I could really see how I act sometimes. I wish I could put myself in to her shoes and see what I've done. Is it out of my control? Can a person realy control who they are? I believe they can.
It comes down to personal responsibility. I have to be responsible for my own actions, every single action. Every breath, every second, every minute, hour and day, my actions are mine, and I control them. I have to take control of me. I cannot let emotions or hormones control me. I have to grow up. There are no more excuses or explanations, there never were.
My anger is the biggest problem. I lose control too easily. Anger is a normal emotion, that we all feel, but it is how we respond to it and channel it that makes the difference. I haven't ever learned how to channel it properly. I am an embarassment to be around. If you hang out with me long enough, I'll probably scream at you, and then apologize 2 seconds later when you're mad.Yelling, swearing, arguing, and putting people down is not EVER appropriate. It is not excusable.
I am sick of hearing myself say the word's "I'm sorry". While I know I genuinely mean it from my heart when I say it, it's like a broken record at this point. The word's have completely lost their meaning. Having to say "I'm sorry" repeatedly to those I care about most, is sickening. That's really the person I've become.
I am a fake. I put on a nice front that I am a good, kind, calm and considerate person. In reality though, that's what I want to be, that's who I was raised to be, but that is not who I am. It's time for REAL change, not tomorrow, not next week. Right now
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It's a good thing to want to become a better person, but hating yourself won't help this process.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best ways to be happier and achieve goals is to focus on your strengths and the things you like about yourself. Find ways to negate your weaknesses, but don't rely on them disappearing completely.
I also have ADD though it was diagnosed once I had dealt with the biggest issues with concentration and impatience. One example is how once I'm motivated I get obsessed with getting something done asap and frustrated when the people I need to make it happen aren't there, prioritising it and doing what I need them to. The behaviour hasn't changed but how I deal with the situation has. I don't take it personally and I learn to calm myself down or distract myself with something else until I can get back to it. I can recognise that although in some ways it's a weakness there are positive aspects to it. Things get done, on time and with lots of passion that bring other people along.
Now is the time to stop beating yourself up. Recognising you have an issue with your anger is a huge step. Now you are aware you'll start noticing the triggers and your reactions. You will make changes. But also appreciate that there are good sides to your ability to express emotion. I'm uncomfortable with anger and hate arguments and have ended up being a doormat in the past as a result of this.
Make sure you're nice to yourself and good things will follow...
Thanks, I really appreciate it. I know I can't hate myself, but right now I do. I have to work on me, and see some progress in myself before I will begin to like me again. That's what I'm trying to do now.
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