Day 9: Goodbye

There's nothing good about goodbye.

 Last night, I finally decided that I cannot see her anymore. It is unhealthy, for her, and for me. It is not fair to either of us. We both want to see each other for different reasons, and it's not right.

At this point I cannot be her friend. I care about her, and I love her, with everything inside of me. This is not me giving up. This is me being strong. This is me doing what I feel is best. This is me loving her, and doing what's best for her, and for me. This is what's best for us as well, as I know I've just been pushing her further and further away by always pressuring her about us. I have to let her go, before she's forced to go.

She'll never know if she misses me, if I don't ever give her the chance to actually have to miss me. Will she think of me when I'm not there? Will she wish that I was around? I told her I can talk and text with her, but that I cannot see her. It's not fair to me, or fair to her. I keep bringing her down, and she keeps bringing me down. We're both hurting each other.

I don't want to hurt her anymore, and I don't want her to hurt me anymore. I'm sick of fighting with her, and getting upset about stupid meaningless things. I'm tired of being too sensitive, and crying every day when I hear her voice. I'm tired of hoping, and waiting to see her each day. It's not healthy. I'm tired of getting excited every time my phone vibrates, hoping it's a text or call from  her.

I had to say goodbye. It was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I know it's going to get harder as time goes. I do miss her, and I do want to see her, but I can't. I have to live with that. It is what it is. Sometimes the hardest decision, is the best decision. If a decision is easy, you're probably doing it wrong. Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled. Sometimes you have to be alone, to learn how to live.

I had lost a little bit of focus lately, focusing too much on her still, and not on me. I am serious about wanting to focus on me, and bettering myself, both for her and for me. I must focus on that now. Better me. For me. For her. For love. I have to learn to be happy on my own, I have to learn to be me alone. I have to learn to love myself, for who I am. I can't give myself to her, or anyone until I can do that.

I hope that one day, I can see her again, and she can see the new me, the better me. A true gentleman, that's happy, that has things together, and is going places. That's who I want to be.

Her beauty is raw, and wild, I will always love her. There's nothing that can change that.

Goodbye was not easy, but it was what was best for her, and for me. I love you, and I hope to see you again.  I'll be missing you.

If you love someone, set them free.