Day 8: Desolated

I feel so empty. Alone. Forgotten. Unneeded. Unwanted.

Had a rough weekend. Luckily part of it was kept busy by working. Sat at home bored, alone and empty all weekend. Luckily Friday and Saturday nights I had our dog to keep me company. Spent most of my week, in bed, curled up, crying, or at work, trying to not think about it. Wish I had friends to go out with, wish I had money to even be able to afford to go out.

Her graduation party was Saturday night, I stopped in quickly just to pick up our dog for the night, and drop a card off. Wish I could have stayed. Wished I would have gotten to help her prepare for the party more. Wish I could have helped her financially with the party supplies. Wish she had wanted me to be there with her, for her. She said she wanted me there, but I'm pretty sure it was only so I felt welcomed. She knew I'd have been really crushed if I wasn't invited. I came back at 6am to drop our dog off, and the party was still going. She was still awake. I wonder if during that 12 hours of party, did she think about me, and wish I was there? 12 hours. Did I even cross her mind? Wish I was there to celebrate with her, and throw a drink back with her? When she looks at the pictures of the night, will she wish I was in some of them? Sadly, I'm sure I know the answer to all of those questions.

I miss being the person that she wanted to hang out with, the boyfriend, the bestfriend. Being the one that she wanted next to her in those important moments of life. I want her in those moments of my life. I miss having someone to spend time with, someone that I love, and someone that I can't get my mind off of. Someone that makes me smile without even trying. Someone who knows me, and still loves me. I miss having a friend, someone I could talk to about anything. That's why I had to make this blog. I miss being loved. I miss feeling needed in someones life. I miss having her to eat dinner with, at home, on a tuesday night. I miss getting to see her when I got home from work, and be able to get a hug anytime I wanted or needed one.

I miss her like hell.

I told her I missed her. All she could say was "I know". I said I needed a hug. She said "I'm sorry".

I wish she knew, really knew, how much I care about her and love her. I know without a doubt, with everything inside of me, that I love her. I want to be with her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  I want to marry this girl. When I think of my future, and I look to my right, she's the one that's there. That's why I'm here.

I wish she cared. I wish she hadn't just given up.

It's really hard to continue trying to put any effort in with her, when I get little to nothing in return.

I am sick of crying every single day, and it just happening at any given moment. I look at something. I hear something. I smell something. I think of something, and then the tears just suffocate me and take control.

I'm not a strong person, but I know this is where I have to be right now. Love is life. In life you don't give up, or quit. Quitting equals failure. Failure equals death. Death is not an option.

Unwanted.