Empty and Lonely

I hate how empty and lonely I feel.

Pain. Heartbreak. Crushed.

She is and was my bestfriend. I was her bestfriend. I don't have the huge group of friends that she does. She goes out now nearly every night now with them. Staying out till the wee hours of the morning. I can't blame her, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, and I'm sure it helps get her mind off of me.

Must be nice to not have to be responsible and work 40 hours a week, live at home rent free, and get to go out all the time with a great group of friends that care about you. But she did work damn hard to get to where she's at now, got through college, in 4 years, and has a Bachelors Degree. I can't shake a stick at that. I am really proud of her.

She's the last person I think about when I lay down, the person I dream about every night, and the first person I think about when I wake up. I toss and turn all night thinking about her. At night is the worst. I wake up, hoping she's lying there next to me, and I wake up to this nightmare. I was shocked when she moved out, but I understood, and it was meant to be a break. She was stressed out with her finances, and school, and moved home. She made it feel like it was only a temporary thing, and that she would be moving back in after she graduated in December. Instead, she breaks up with me. It hurts. Shocked.

As much as I can say I understand, it doesn't change the pain or the emptiness I feel.

I don't have the closeness of friends that she does, and I wish I did. I'm going to work on that.

I don't have someone to talk to about how I'm feeling, and I can't talk to her about her. I've talked with her too much about her, and us. It is what it is, anything more said to her, will push her beyond the point of coming back or even being friends. That is why I started this blog, so I have a way to get it out what I want to say, even if no one reads it, at least I get to express it.

I did let her know I started this blog, but I didn't gve her the url. I let her know I'm only posting it to Twitter, as our friends and families are all on Facebook, and everyone doesn't need to read this, and I'm not trying to shove it in her face. If she ever wants to read it, she can find it.

I must learn to not take things so personally. It's not completely my fault we're not together. She does care about me, she does love me, and she wants me to be happy.

When life hands you lemonade, buy tequila and make margaritas.