Day 14: Friend

"....oh but baby most of all, I miss my friend"

I miss my friend. I miss my best friend. With everything inside of me.

You don't often, if ever get a second chances in life, and I lost my best friend, and girlfriend once again. It hurts. The pain is unexplainable. The emptiness, the tears. Every sad song is my song. She is one amazing girl, and I'm thankful for the time that she was in my life, and that she still talks to me some today.

You never know what you've got till it's gone. Such a true statement.

I hope one day she can come back in my life, and give me a second chance. I know if we both went into it wanting it, that things would be a world of different. I know I can make her happy, and give her what she wants. I want to be her knight in shining armor, her prince charming. I want to be her Johnny, to her June.

I'll never forget the moment when I knew she loved me, and the moment I knew I wanted to marry her. I never asked her to, I often wonder what she would have said now. Would she have considered it? Or would it have brought about the breakup earlier?

She's an amazing girl. Beautiful, intelligent, educated, honest, passionate, and real. I'll always admire her. While I am hurt, and heartbroken; I cannot be angry at her. She's done nothing wrong. She's only doing what she believes she needs to do. I wish her the best in all she does, and I'll always be here for her if she ever needs anything.

I love you, with all of my heart and soul. I'm thankful that you came in to my life, and have tattooed my heart. I'll never forget the memories we have together. I'll never forget you. I hope you never forget me. I hope you realize how serious my emotions, and feelings are for you. It is my wish, that you know that I am a good person, and a great guy. I am not perfect, and I do not claim to be. What I do know, is that I know I can make you happy, and give you the world, if you let me.

She'll always be my Konstantine.

Come Back to Me

This song explains so much to me, and really helps me understand how I'm feeling, and how she is feeling. I understand she needs to go find her self, and do what she wants to do. In the end I want her to come back to me, no matter what, and I'll welcome her with wide open arms.

Day 13: Responsibility

"When you blame others, you give up your power to change."  -Author Unknown

Responsibility. Accountability. Taking ownership, fault, pride, in your own actions and behaviors.

I am responsible for myself, and for my actions. Everything that I do, I have no one to blame but myself. There are no excuses. It is all about personal responsibility. My anger, behavior, happiness, career, life, future, finances, insecurities, lack of friends, achievements, failures, and regrets; they are all my responsibility. The good, the bad, and the in-between. There is no one else to blame, but me.

Blaming others is immature, childish, and irresponsible. It's denial. Pushing things off on others, trying to make others feel the guilt and shame. The guilt and shame is only mine. Failing to accept personal responsibility, results in negativity built up within me. The built up negativity then comes out in my behavior, actions, and anger. If I just accepted responsibility and dealt with it, it would reduce the stress, and negativity. Personal responsibility, can lead to being a much more happy, positive, and productive person.

Trying to take responsibility for others actions, is immature, arrogant and rude. Accept responsibility for your own actions, and not others. Let others do what they want, and do not question them, or judge them. Be yourself, and let others be themselves.

If I want to be happy, it is up to me to be happy. I cannot rest that on anyone else's shoulders. They have enough of their own responsibilities to take care of, and should not have to worry about me. I am responsible for me, and my future.

I can't continue to think that everything is going to work it self out, and that life is just magically going to happen. Life is not a fairy tale. I am responsible for me, and for achieving what I want. Life goes exactly where I tell it to go, based off of my choices, actions and behaviors.

What I do, and what I don't do, is completely up to me. It is not the responsibility of others to pick me up when I fall. It is my responsibility to get back up, and keep on running. Life is like a marathon, you're the only one that can get you through it. You just have to do it. It is not about not loving anyone, or wanting to be alone; but about maturing, and growing up. Learning to be, just me.

A relationship isn't about depending on someone else. Relationships are not for having someone to blame, and it's not excusable to blame them for anything. Love is about sharing your life with someone, letting them inside of your life, and letting yourself inside of theirs. Sharing your life, does not mean you should give up your own life, or make them give up their life. Relationships should not require you to be dependent, or to lose your independence.

I am responsible for me.
I am held accountable for me.

Day 12: Breathe

"I'm going back to the corner, where I first saw you, gonna camp in my sleeping bag, not gonna move......"

Today is Friday. I did a whole lot of nothing, and my mind is really begining to play games with me.

Sitting home alone is not easy for me. I really wish I had friends. Asked a couple people to hang out, but they were busy. Figures.

I called and talked to her for a few minutes, just to tell her that I hope she has a good weekend. The sound of her voice is amazing. It made my voice crack, and I began to cry.

Is it weird that I sleep with a picture of her, on the pillow next to me in bed?
I find it comforting.

I really miss her, more than I ever knew was possible. Words can't explain this pain and emptiness that I feel, or my love for her. She's amazing. It was by chance that we met, and I would go back and meet her again in a heartbeat. I wish she would give us another chance, let us start fresh, from the begining, let us do things right. I love her more than anything. She's my everything.

I hope that one day she comes back, and lets us start from the beginning. We'll do things right, and it'll be nothing short of amazing.

I feel like I'm nothing without her.

I wonder if she remembers the night that I sang "My Kind of Rain" for her at kareoke. I meant every word. I'll never forget that night. Or the night I fell in love with her.

Day 11: Happiness

"And I drive to the edge of my considerate plain And I apologize to the people I hurt on the way But I, I wipe the slate clean I kick the daydream...."

I must find an independent happiness, deep within me. I must learn to be happy, regardless of whether I have someone to share it with or not. I need to learn, that happiness does not require anyone else, but it welcomes it. I cannot offer my whole self to someone, and give everything to someone, until I can be happy with myself, and love myself. You cannot love another, until you can love yourself. I have to love me. I have to be happy.

Happiness is life. Happiness is not a destination, it's a journey.

If I can learn to be independently happy, then it will help me much more, when I'm in a relationship. I need this independence. I need this freedom. Happiness needs to remain, regardless of the stresses and pitfalls of life. Road bumps happen, sometimes things go perfect, sometimes they go horribly wrong, but I must maintain peace and happiness.

It's not about ignoring what goes wrong, but more of accepting them, and learning that it's all part of life. The bad helps you enjoy the good. The good helps you dream of greatness. It's all achievable. It starts with putting a smile on your face, and thinking positively.

Yes, I lost my girlfriend, and my bestfriend; but it is not the end of the world. It is just a lesson of life, and a challenge that I must face on my own. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. As hard as it is too look forward, and to get over this, I must do it. I cannot sit here and wallow in self pity, cry, and whine. It isn't getting me anywhere, and is only deterring me from progressing and bettering myself. I cannot let my heartbreak distract me.

While I still love her, and I am holding on to hope, that in the end she will return; I must focus on me. Keep a clear, and strong focus on me, and what I want to be, and how I'm going to get there.

Positivity, and happiness, will help me achieve my goals, and get me what I want most in life. Sadness and self pity, is only going to hinder my chances of reaching out for success. Life will pass me by before I know it, if I don't focus.

I'm working on happy. I'm working on me.

Day 10: Attraction

"I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while......"

The laws of attraction are simple. Even a child can understand them. Positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative. While we all know this is true, why is it so hard for us to actually do?

Her and I, while we were together went through phases of both positivity and negativity. A roller coaster of emotions. When we first met, I was positive, and she was positive, which encouraged more positivity. We fed off of each others energy.

Then at some points we got stressed out with life, our relationships, our jobs, our finances, and things got negative. We both fed off of each others negativity, which led to a lot of anger and resentment. We became selfish, and began putting ourselves before the relationship. Our friendship suffered, our relationship suffered. We should have been a team, and supporting each other through our hard days, but instead we made them worse for each other. We both couldn't stop thinking about our own problems, or even begin to try to imagine how the other person was feeling. We were selfish, and unkind.

Our positivity is a big part of what brought us together, and bonded us in the begining. We both were happy, and excited for life. We both had plans for our life, and things were going well in our lives. We were excited to have someone to share it with, and we fell in love with each other. At the begining, we both had a lot more money, and we're able to go and do a lot more things. Then money got tight, and our lives got busier, with work, school, families, and life.

Fights happened. We both lost our heads sometimes. Talking our problems out was not our strong point, and something we both need to work at. In a relationship you need to be able to tell each other how you're feeling, without fear of a fight. Problems and feelings should be able to be discussed, openly and honestly.

We both didn't treat each other how we should have, and we are both to blame. She'd say something mean, I'd say something mean back. She'd ask for something in a rude way, I'd give her a rude excuse. She'd ask for a massage, I'd tell her no.

We let the stress of our lives get to us, and brought it in to our relationships. We were both going through a very stressful point in our lives, and we should have helped each other get through it as a team. We should have supported each other. Instead we fought each other, and made it even harder.

I know that if we were given another chance, if she will give us one, that we could make things work. I know that what we had was real, and amazing. I know that this love is tangible. We both need to work on ourselves, and learn how to support each other in a relationship. We need to learn to be a team, and to lose our selfish atitudes. Counseling could have helped, but she refused.

I'm not blaming her for us not being together. I know I am just as much to blame, if not more. I know my anger is the biggest source of the problem. She fed off of my anger, which then made her angry. If my anger hadn't been there, I'm sure her anger wouldn't have been there. If I had always put her first, I'm sure she would have put me first. We both need to mature, and grow up. Stress, and life happen, and we both must learn to get through them, together, as a team, and not bring others down with us. We must learn to support each other completely. We must learn to trust each other completely with our hearts, and know that they want what is best for us as well.

Love, is taking care of each other, supporting each other, and being a team.

Day 9: Goodbye

There's nothing good about goodbye.

 Last night, I finally decided that I cannot see her anymore. It is unhealthy, for her, and for me. It is not fair to either of us. We both want to see each other for different reasons, and it's not right.

At this point I cannot be her friend. I care about her, and I love her, with everything inside of me. This is not me giving up. This is me being strong. This is me doing what I feel is best. This is me loving her, and doing what's best for her, and for me. This is what's best for us as well, as I know I've just been pushing her further and further away by always pressuring her about us. I have to let her go, before she's forced to go.

She'll never know if she misses me, if I don't ever give her the chance to actually have to miss me. Will she think of me when I'm not there? Will she wish that I was around? I told her I can talk and text with her, but that I cannot see her. It's not fair to me, or fair to her. I keep bringing her down, and she keeps bringing me down. We're both hurting each other.

I don't want to hurt her anymore, and I don't want her to hurt me anymore. I'm sick of fighting with her, and getting upset about stupid meaningless things. I'm tired of being too sensitive, and crying every day when I hear her voice. I'm tired of hoping, and waiting to see her each day. It's not healthy. I'm tired of getting excited every time my phone vibrates, hoping it's a text or call from  her.

I had to say goodbye. It was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I know it's going to get harder as time goes. I do miss her, and I do want to see her, but I can't. I have to live with that. It is what it is. Sometimes the hardest decision, is the best decision. If a decision is easy, you're probably doing it wrong. Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled. Sometimes you have to be alone, to learn how to live.

I had lost a little bit of focus lately, focusing too much on her still, and not on me. I am serious about wanting to focus on me, and bettering myself, both for her and for me. I must focus on that now. Better me. For me. For her. For love. I have to learn to be happy on my own, I have to learn to be me alone. I have to learn to love myself, for who I am. I can't give myself to her, or anyone until I can do that.

I hope that one day, I can see her again, and she can see the new me, the better me. A true gentleman, that's happy, that has things together, and is going places. That's who I want to be.

Her beauty is raw, and wild, I will always love her. There's nothing that can change that.

Goodbye was not easy, but it was what was best for her, and for me. I love you, and I hope to see you again.  I'll be missing you.

If you love someone, set them free.

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

I know we are not together, and that she does not want to be with me right now. But we both know we still love each other and care about each other. We've made a pact to be completely honest with each other. If something happens the other should know about, we tell them. Even if we know it's going to hurt them, they still need to know.

Last night, she told me she kissed a guy at her graduation party on Saturday night. Yes I'm still talking about the graduation party.

It really drove the stake in to my heart, especially that she told me in a text message. I suspected it all along, and I knew something had happened, but I was waiting for her to tell me. I'm glad she was honest with me and told me. When I dropped off our dog in the morning on Sunday, she was sitting in her garage at a table with the guy that she had kissed. I walked in there, and saw her sitting there with him and some other people at the table. I hadn't ever met this guy before. I knew it wasn't good news.

It was just a "I'm drunk, my friends dared us to" kiss. A peck. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

I'm not mad at her. She can do what she wants, and if she wants to kiss other people, make out with other people, date other people, then so be it. But I can't say it won't hurt, and that I won't cry. It hurts like hell.

She texted me at work yesterday and told me this just before I left. I literally wanted to puke when I read it. I thought I was going to. Luckily I didn't. I don't know why I care so much, why I let these things bother me, and it's really dumb, but I do.

It didn't help either, knowing that the kiss, was with her friend that has a crush on her. After the kiss, she said he was trying to be clingy, trying to hold her hand and things. Like it was more than just a kiss to him, because it was, because he has feelings for her. It makes me sick to imagine where this could be going. 2 weeks ago he got her number. They've been texting pretty regularly back and forth. Disgusts me to think that while we've been having conversations, that she's sitting there texting him in the middle of it too. Ouch.

She also said that it makes her happy, and feels good to talk to someone new. It's an ego booster. It sucks. Kinda makes me want to go talk to someone too, but that wouldn't be right, and it'd be for the wrong reasons. I don't want to talk to someone out of vengeance, hurt, or anger. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I want to talk to her.

Was I never good enough?

She then tried to compare her kissing someone at her party, to me talking to my ex girlfriend briefly in a text message on Sunday. I was talking to my ex to ask her what she thought about my anger. Trying to get more information, for me, to better myself. More input, from someone that knew me pretty well, that has seen my anger. I felt guilty for even talking to her when I was talking to her, and then her comparing it to a kiss, made me feel even worse.

The night of her party, she also made out with 2 of her girlfriends. One of them, she said she really enjoyed making out with. Which she found unusual, because she doesn't normally like making out with anyone. Never has. We rarely made out. Why not?

No matter how much you prepare yourself for something, and tell yourself it's going to be okay, when it actually happens it still hurts like hell. I knew a kiss was going to happen eventually, just didn't expect it to be at her graduation party, or for it to be a drunken kiss. I guess it's better that it was, at least it wasn't a romantic date kiss.

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

When a heart breaks it don't breakeven. I got time, while she got freedom.

Day 8: Desolated

I feel so empty. Alone. Forgotten. Unneeded. Unwanted.

Had a rough weekend. Luckily part of it was kept busy by working. Sat at home bored, alone and empty all weekend. Luckily Friday and Saturday nights I had our dog to keep me company. Spent most of my week, in bed, curled up, crying, or at work, trying to not think about it. Wish I had friends to go out with, wish I had money to even be able to afford to go out.

Her graduation party was Saturday night, I stopped in quickly just to pick up our dog for the night, and drop a card off. Wish I could have stayed. Wished I would have gotten to help her prepare for the party more. Wish I could have helped her financially with the party supplies. Wish she had wanted me to be there with her, for her. She said she wanted me there, but I'm pretty sure it was only so I felt welcomed. She knew I'd have been really crushed if I wasn't invited. I came back at 6am to drop our dog off, and the party was still going. She was still awake. I wonder if during that 12 hours of party, did she think about me, and wish I was there? 12 hours. Did I even cross her mind? Wish I was there to celebrate with her, and throw a drink back with her? When she looks at the pictures of the night, will she wish I was in some of them? Sadly, I'm sure I know the answer to all of those questions.

I miss being the person that she wanted to hang out with, the boyfriend, the bestfriend. Being the one that she wanted next to her in those important moments of life. I want her in those moments of my life. I miss having someone to spend time with, someone that I love, and someone that I can't get my mind off of. Someone that makes me smile without even trying. Someone who knows me, and still loves me. I miss having a friend, someone I could talk to about anything. That's why I had to make this blog. I miss being loved. I miss feeling needed in someones life. I miss having her to eat dinner with, at home, on a tuesday night. I miss getting to see her when I got home from work, and be able to get a hug anytime I wanted or needed one.

I miss her like hell.

I told her I missed her. All she could say was "I know". I said I needed a hug. She said "I'm sorry".

I wish she knew, really knew, how much I care about her and love her. I know without a doubt, with everything inside of me, that I love her. I want to be with her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  I want to marry this girl. When I think of my future, and I look to my right, she's the one that's there. That's why I'm here.

I wish she cared. I wish she hadn't just given up.

It's really hard to continue trying to put any effort in with her, when I get little to nothing in return.

I am sick of crying every single day, and it just happening at any given moment. I look at something. I hear something. I smell something. I think of something, and then the tears just suffocate me and take control.

I'm not a strong person, but I know this is where I have to be right now. Love is life. In life you don't give up, or quit. Quitting equals failure. Failure equals death. Death is not an option.

Unwanted.

Day 7: Stage 5 Clinger

I habitually text her too much. I bug her too much.

I need to stop texting her so often. She is my best friend, and we do text each other a lot, and have a lot of conversations in text. But, I do not need to talk to her constantly throughout the day. I don't need to be a stage 5 clinger. It's pathetic. Every time I get bored, I don't have to text her, and I shouldn't. It's annoying. Texting isn't bad, but overly bugging someone with it is rude

Resist from telling her every dumb thought and emotion that I go through. She does not need to be bothered. If I have something I must say to her, save it. Tell her later, in real conversation or wait until she texts me. If she wants to talk to me, she'll call or text me. If she doesn't, than it's probably best to leave her be. Let her enjoy her day, let her live her life. Give her space.

If she does call me, wants to talk, or texts me, don't assume that it's the opportunity and time to ask her to hang out. We all know what happens when we 'assume', we make an 'ass out of you and me'. We don't have to see each other every day, and we shouldn't, especially under the current circumstances.  Let her do what she wants to do, without making her feel guilty. Respect her, give her space. Let her be.

If she wants to hang out with me, great. If she doesn't, that's okay too. If she wants to hang out, I'm sure she'll let me know. I don't have to ask her every single day. If she doesn't ask to hang out, then she obviously doesn't want to. Her not wanting to hang out, does not excuse me to be a asshole, or give her grief about it either. We are just friends. I cannot expect her to want to hang out with me. I must understand and accept that she doesn't always want to hang out with me. I cannot let myself take that personally. I must let her do what she wants to do.