Day 1

Today is the first day of a long journey ahead. On December 20, my girlfriend of nearly 2 years, and bestfriend, broke up with me. She broke my heart, crushed my soul. It isn't my fault. It isn't her fault. It's how love goes. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but in the end it's a journey.

I'm 25, she's 23. She just graduated college with a Bachelors in Applied Science, for Elementary Education from Eastern Michigan University, the day she broke up with me.She had tried to tell me about 3 months prior to breaking up with me, how she was feeling, and my heart wouldn't listen. I couldn't hear her. It hurt too much. I was being selfish. Trying to stop her from leaving.

Her and I are not perfect, and our relationship was not perfect. Perfection is not realistic though. It was love, and I believe we were great with each other. She's my bestfriend. I can't imagine living life with out her. I want to grow old with her. When I think about my future, she's the one I see with me, my better half.

She broke up with me, because of me, and because of her. She says it was mostly her, but I know better than that. She doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. She doesn't want to be with anyone right now. I should have seen a breakup coming. The affection and attention were lacking in our relationship. Our relationship had become a hostile environment. Her being bitter and resenting me for not listening to her the first time when she expressed her feelings, and me being bitter and resenting for her wanting to give up, and not being who I wanted her to be.

Expectations, you have to give those up when you go in to a relationship. When you love someone. You must love them for who they are. You can't keep a measuring stick out, constantly analyzing their every action. No one is perfect, and no one will meet your every need, every moment of every day. Relationships are about compromises, and we both struggled with that.

She is younger, and going through something that I once went through as well. I made poor decisions, and was not honest about my feelings when it happened to me. It cost me a relationship too. She's handeling it much better than I did. She's being honest and upfront with me, about her feelings, and what she does and doesn't want. I have to admire and respect that. She's a better person than I was when I was her same age going through a lot of the same feelings.

She just graduated, is not ready for marriage. She wants to live life, have fun with her friends, be free to do what she wants, with out the stress of a relationship. I on the other hand am 25, and I'm ready for a serious relationship. That's what I thought I had, until she opened up with me. She had even hinted at wanting jewlrey, and what kind of engagement ring she'd like if we were to get engaged. All things that lead me to believe she was serious about me as well.

At first she started as a break, then she said we were breaking up. Now she's fully expressed her feelings, and what she wants. It's now been about a month since she broke up with me, and I'm still mady in-love with her. I never thought I could love someone like this. I'm heartbroken. My world has been crushed.

She doesn't want to see anyone else, right now. She wants to be single, and to be able to hang out with her friends every night, and to be able to party, and not feel guilty about it. Eventually she wants to see other people, and see whats out there. To see if there is someone better for her. The thought of me, or her with someone else, makes me sick to my stomach litterally. She has my whole heart right now, and I don't know how to get it back, and I don't want it back. I want her back.

We both have agreed that we have a lot to work on within ourselves. To be better people, for our ownselves, and for either of us to have a relationship with anyone. We're both very selfish. I'm a little too jealous, she's to needy, and demanding. She's still my bestfriend, and we're staying in each others lives as that. Nothing more, nothing less.

I've told her I'll give her a year. 1 year. 365 days. If she comes back to me, then it's meant to be. So I'm taking a year off from relationships, and love. Casually dates maybe. Reatlionships no. 1 year to work on me, both for me and for love. So I can be the best boyfriend, and husband that I can be. 1 year for her to figure out what it is she wants. This is a blog, to express my feelings over the next 365 days.